My wife of 28 years at the age of 55 recently passed away.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I do realize how strong your love is for her, she is with God now and knows how much you loved her, she will patiently wait for you to join her once again in heaven, rest well and may you only find peace in your heart, amen.

@frouke Thank you. I am trying. My son and I really haven't had a chance to take a breath together yet. It has been a whirlwind. I appreciate you taking time to reply.

Terry

I’m so sorry for your loss. What a lovely tribute to your wife. Your sentiments right now are certainly understandable. I do hope sharing with others will help in some way. Bless you and your family in the coming days.

Good morning, @misterelbows I'm Scott, and I noticed your post as I, after being my wife's caregiver for 14+ years as she waged her war with brain cancer, lost her, too. She was 46 when diagnosed; we were married for 41, so our battle took over 1/3 of our married years. The loss and grief have been indescribable, but I believe the grief we endure is directly proportional to how deeply we loved.

I know we are all different in our post-loss journeys, but there was one simple thing that helped me better accept each new day in my new reality.

Caregiving had been all-consuming, so there was a ton of life I'd been forced to neglect, so I started a simple 'To-Do" List. Some large (visit our children's new homes I'd been unable to see), some medium (fill, prime, and paint all the walls, doors, and baseboards' wheelchair gouges), some small (write a note to a friend-of-old who I'd fallen out of touch with). My goal was to do the top item on the list, and then, as I did, add a new item at the bottom. This gave me something to look forward to for each tomorrow and each accomplishment, big or tiny, bolstered me. I still keep that effort/list going today.

I also enjoy staying active on Connect, supporting this wonderful community, and as a small token of repaying all the tremendous care we benefited from at Mayo.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

@IndianaScott Thank you Scott. I believe you nailed it. Laurel and I, after her Dx of SLE in 98 had to make an extremely conscious, crippling decision back then. I was 31 and Laurel was 28 when we married, we knew that having a child may not be an option for us - and in our way, we finally started to accept that reality. As a newly married couple, we had some fun 🙂 Laurel was a HS Spanish Teacher for 18 years (then on to disability) and me, an IT Engineer with a small telecom. We decided to use our modest means to see the world together. We enjoyed life!!!

July 8th 2000 we welcomed our miracle - Christopher. The pregnancy took a significant toll on Laurel, and her Lupus began to show its ugly head. I loved the responsibility caring for Laurel. She trusted me, and only me. There were many good days we took advantage of, and many low days - and even on those low days we learned together how to remain intimate, be it a slap on the bottom 🙂 a peck on the cheek or just holding hands which we always did. We had to be close, and in contact. I was proud when she told others how safe she felt with me. I was her muscle, her rock, her crutch, her voice .... we figured things out as a team.

As her health declined and the unpredictable episodes/flares continued, as a family we had to make sacrifices. Last minute cancellations, business trips without Laurel....our son was really the one who made the biggest sacrifice. He never really knew a healthy mom. Disney trips changed. Trips to see family in Canada postponed. These sacrifices really affected Laurel - she always felt responsible, but we made it work.

As a new caregiver to the woman, who I spent 27 years searching for and finally found through an alignment of incredible odds - it was a new title for me. But I embraced the challenge. We took every opportunity to learn about the disease(s), the triggers, the symptoms. Caring for Laurel was a natural fit for me. I wanted to protect and take care of her - that was my vow. As any normal couple, we had some hiccups; disagreements; selfish moments. We overcame those. No judging, never justifying our words, Agape! It took work, but we did it.

I have been journaling (re-visiting what we have always tried to do) to help remember everything that was good and not so good. And we photo logged our journey from day one. As crazy as it sounds, that was a decision Laurel and I made. Full Waiver - my wife who was gorgeous, she didn't care to be in photos. The fact that she trusted me that much to document our journey was a statement. Her best friend could not believe it. But we had reasons for this.

I am in squirrel mode now. Sorry.

Being a caregiver for Laurel was an honor. We took our vows 28 years ago, and we lived it. We honored it. We beat every challenge down. I do not know when I will start the journey to healing myself, or our son. But many years ago, we promised each other that if and when the day came - and it was our time to leave.... we would make sure that we would still do the things we loved doing as a family.

The first thing we did was honor her wishes after her passing. She did threaten she'd come back to haunt me 🙂

I have found writing and talking has helped me. Laurel had a few favorite verses she used with me. "MAGS, Short Version" was the best one 🙂

Just venting today. Tuesday was four weeks when Laurel passed. The pain, confusion, and all the emotions that go hand in hand with a mind that will not cooperate or give me a break has been difficult.

Our son Chris has been doing pretty good. His mother would be proud how he has stepped up. But he's struggling as well. Everywhere is a trigger. There are times when I can manage the meltdown about to come, many times I cannot. This past Monday was my first one on one counselling - intake, and I think it is necessary (highly advisable by many in the family).

As an IT guy, I have with much pain been protecting everything Laurel had. Full disclosure, when Laurel went on disability about 14 years ago, her 2009 Facebook experience, turned into her being a social media queen, so I have been backing up all her memories. Organizing a plethora of photo albums and photos and mementos that need preservation. Trying to write thank you notes. I think we have done well not fast tracking anything - which won't happen anyways.

I am really hoping all the legalese / insurance / our joint day to day plans are finalized soon. Perhaps when this four week whirlwind slows down some, then maybe I can sit, hold my wife's portrait and grieve, instead of bottling it up and holding on until all the important stuff is done.

My son and I, we are blessed to have an excellent support group of family and very close friends. Laurel's best friend, maid of honor at our wedding - has been a huge blessing for me and Chris. We have helped each other, communicating daily. I know somewhere down the road, the pain and anger, confusion - I realize it will begin to ease. Then the guilt sets in - I really am sick of this mind *#%#$.

Anyways, I came here to vent. We have a saying "WWLD" (what would Laurel do). So I have been using Facebook as a outlet. Story telling and sharing our 30+ years together (and even throwing in pre Terry) as best I can 🙂

Our Journey together will continue in a much different way - and that path, is another story but I am pretty sure she's here with me, watching, smiling, guiding me .... I know she does not want me to hurt. I know she wants me to work at my pace to help ease all this pain. Laurel would have encouraged me no differently if she was beside me now. But this feels impossible to reach some days.....

Love you baby!!!

You inspire me by your writing genuinely about the caregiving you gave to your beloved wife Laurel. I'm truly blessed by your sharing the years of battles fought against Lupus and your capacity to endure through your wife's ups and downs. In my caregiving moments of my husband's battle against a different type of illness (congestive heart failure), he was DX in January 2023. His near death experience in 1994 gave us some preparation for accepting his peace about dying, otherwise, I may not have the peace I have today knowing that Jesus is with him. Since Laurel was very spiritual, maybe this song will be comforting, "The Only Scars in Heaven". Steve died in December 2025. An acquaintance told me about this song a couple of months later. When I heard it, I felt assurance. I know we have different memories of our loved ones. I was with my husband for 44 years. He was my rock, my defense and my faithful companion. He was 80 when he died. Just knowing that he had been in a peaceful place without pain for 90seconds in the 1994 near death experience is enough for me to believe Steve's love of Jesus Christ rewarded him the peace beyond understanding. It's the only reason I was not as saddened. His pain was gone, and until three days before his death, he finally told me that he no longer could help anyone. That huge confession was the peace I gained in knowing that Steve no longer needed to help me--because he only thought about others. It's wonderful that you are now sharing your pain so that others may have the luxury of being a partner in your grief. Thank you! I believe the only hand that are holding Laurel now are the hands of Jesus. May God grant you and your child the grace and comfort of His Love for you!

Thank you for sharing Steve and your story. Laurel would not want all this attention had she still been here beside me today.... but I know deep down, she understands and supports me in any way to help guide me to some understanding and comfort.
Laurel's faith was much more deeper than mine, but she was helping me 🙂 For many many years, we couldn't really go to Church (she sang in the choir - a voice of an angel too). She missed it, but the priorities changed to very involved caregiving and our son's well-being. The Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville - Laurel had a very good relationship with the Catholic Chaplain Father Raymond. I am very grateful to Father Raymond for the years he spent with Laurel, counselling her and praying together. I believe that helped Laurel a lot with things she began questioning - the horrible "WHAT IF'S". I have started attending mass again and will be receiving some counselling from our wonderful Deacon for starters.

I am glad when Steve passed away, you both were at peace. 44 years is just amazing 🙂 I was very blessed with our relationship for just over 30 years. It would take a novel to truly explain our journey but it's a beautiful one, with not so joyous times!

We were a young couple still - with many plans, and memories to still create together. I know Laurel believed she would be with me always, guide me and our son, love unconditionally forever. I need to find that path myself to believe what Laurel believed in, and we're close 🙂 That will help ease the unbearable pain and uncontrollable mind/emotions.

I will listen to that song. I have had some friends who shared Laurel's faith share some songs and although it usually brings me to tears, the tears are always from those beautiful memories 🙂

I hope you have a great evening, and thank you for taking the time to share with me. It means more than you know.

Terry

@misterelbows
Your love for Laurel is clearly alive in your writing. I do hope your son will feel the same depth of love and care you have for his mother. The paths that God takes us often is unclear, and I believe the support you get from the Deacon will bless you well. Psalm 91 is one of the chapters I find helpful. It moves my focus onto the God that created us. It reminds me of the promises of peace that is more than our human minds can comprehend. And, it strengthens my trust in God, the same God Laurel trusted. Faith is about trust in something we don't see physically.
I'm a certified peer & family specialist for people experiencing mental health and/or substance use disorders. Spirituality is one of the areas in each of our wellness that impacts our capacity to endure our struggles. My experience in mental health challenges and learning about trauma has been ways I found in helping others. Unless we can have faith in something higher than ourselves, we find life so much more difficult to handle. I had to learn to accept this truth. When others realized and became aware of the need to strengthen their spirituality, they had an additional tool to fight their battles. Our circle of wellness comprises of 8 areas that impact everyone's lives. You can google the 8 dimensions of wellness if you wish. I just know that unless we have an awareness of those dimensions, something like the lack of spirituality can affect how the other dimensions of wellness looks like. So, your search for that spirituality that Laurel had is wonderful. I will hold you in prayer that you, Terry, will indeed understand how she was able to be a servant of God while she endured pain. Many blessings for you today and hugs to both you and your son.

Donna Mae

I understand your pain especially the exhaustion and confusion. Lost my husband of 50
In December. No illness no warning. Sepsis. I feel
So alone. And i feel
Like
I should be better. Its been 8 months.