My wife of 28 years at the age of 55 recently passed away.

I’m so sorry for your loss, I do realize how strong your love is for her, she is with God now and knows how much you loved her, she will patiently wait for you to join her once again in heaven, rest well and may you only find peace in your heart, amen.

@frouke Thank you. I am trying. My son and I really haven't had a chance to take a breath together yet. It has been a whirlwind. I appreciate you taking time to reply.

Terry

I’m so sorry for your loss. What a lovely tribute to your wife. Your sentiments right now are certainly understandable. I do hope sharing with others will help in some way. Bless you and your family in the coming days.

Good morning, @misterelbows I'm Scott, and I noticed your post as I, after being my wife's caregiver for 14+ years as she waged her war with brain cancer, lost her, too. She was 46 when diagnosed; we were married for 41, so our battle took over 1/3 of our married years. The loss and grief have been indescribable, but I believe the grief we endure is directly proportional to how deeply we loved.

I know we are all different in our post-loss journeys, but there was one simple thing that helped me better accept each new day in my new reality.

Caregiving had been all-consuming, so there was a ton of life I'd been forced to neglect, so I started a simple 'To-Do" List. Some large (visit our children's new homes I'd been unable to see), some medium (fill, prime, and paint all the walls, doors, and baseboards' wheelchair gouges), some small (write a note to a friend-of-old who I'd fallen out of touch with). My goal was to do the top item on the list, and then, as I did, add a new item at the bottom. This gave me something to look forward to for each tomorrow and each accomplishment, big or tiny, bolstered me. I still keep that effort/list going today.

I also enjoy staying active on Connect, supporting this wonderful community, and as a small token of repaying all the tremendous care we benefited from at Mayo.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

@IndianaScott Thank you Scott. I believe you nailed it. Laurel and I, after her Dx of SLE in 98 had to make an extremely conscious, crippling decision back then. I was 31 and Laurel was 28 when we married, we knew that having a child may not be an option for us - and in our way, we finally started to accept that reality. As a newly married couple, we had some fun 🙂 Laurel was a HS Spanish Teacher for 18 years (then on to disability) and me, an IT Engineer with a small telecom. We decided to use our modest means to see the world together. We enjoyed life!!!

July 8th 2000 we welcomed our miracle - Christopher. The pregnancy took a significant toll on Laurel, and her Lupus began to show its ugly head. I loved the responsibility caring for Laurel. She trusted me, and only me. There were many good days we took advantage of, and many low days - and even on those low days we learned together how to remain intimate, be it a slap on the bottom 🙂 a peck on the cheek or just holding hands which we always did. We had to be close, and in contact. I was proud when she told others how safe she felt with me. I was her muscle, her rock, her crutch, her voice .... we figured things out as a team.

As her health declined and the unpredictable episodes/flares continued, as a family we had to make sacrifices. Last minute cancellations, business trips without Laurel....our son was really the one who made the biggest sacrifice. He never really knew a healthy mom. Disney trips changed. Trips to see family in Canada postponed. These sacrifices really affected Laurel - she always felt responsible, but we made it work.

As a new caregiver to the woman, who I spent 27 years searching for and finally found through an alignment of incredible odds - it was a new title for me. But I embraced the challenge. We took every opportunity to learn about the disease(s), the triggers, the symptoms. Caring for Laurel was a natural fit for me. I wanted to protect and take care of her - that was my vow. As any normal couple, we had some hiccups; disagreements; selfish moments. We overcame those. No judging, never justifying our words, Agape! It took work, but we did it.

I have been journaling (re-visiting what we have always tried to do) to help remember everything that was good and not so good. And we photo logged our journey from day one. As crazy as it sounds, that was a decision Laurel and I made. Full Waiver - my wife who was gorgeous, she didn't care to be in photos. The fact that she trusted me that much to document our journey was a statement. Her best friend could not believe it. But we had reasons for this.

I am in squirrel mode now. Sorry.

Being a caregiver for Laurel was an honor. We took our vows 28 years ago, and we lived it. We honored it. We beat every challenge down. I do not know when I will start the journey to healing myself, or our son. But many years ago, we promised each other that if and when the day came - and it was our time to leave.... we would make sure that we would still do the things we loved doing as a family.

The first thing we did was honor her wishes after her passing. She did threaten she'd come back to haunt me 🙂

I have found writing and talking has helped me. Laurel had a few favorite verses she used with me. "MAGS, Short Version" was the best one 🙂