My siblings don't want our 84 year old mother tested for dementia.

Our family has been through a similar situation with my now 90 (almost 91) year old father. We’ve been persuaded by my sister (a clinical nurse) NOT to get Dad tested. She has convinced us that a diagnosis would actually be detrimental to him including if he needs to go into hospital where he would be located amongst severe cases.

Dad in the here and now has his full mental faculties. He’s spot on in considering decisions relating to him. But he’ll forget the conversation very soon after and can be manipulated.

Instead we’ve come to a family agreement.

My sister and her husband were very bad at manipulating Dad to make financial decisions that benefitted their family, like helping him to buy a car that was way too big for him as they knew his driving days were limited and they wanted the SUV at no cost for one of my nieces ! Of course he stopped very soon and the car was suddenly gone from the driveway. Dad says they were supposed to sell it and split the proceeds. They ignored that. Shocking. Not that I wanted the money but shocked they’d do that.

He’d also forget that he’d promised to discuss everything with my brother and I first before making any decisions.

So we had to agree they’d stop that nonsense otherwise we WOULD have to get him diagnosed and have his guardian step in to protect his interests (a friend lawyer we’d put in place some time ago in case it was needed).

It now falls to me to pay all his bills with his consent (I hav a longstanding power of attorney on his account from when he and mom used to travel a lot) and copying everyone in each time I use his account to give them full details of what I’ve done.

My siblings and I all make other decisions subject to his final approval (eg gutter cleaning quotes, new air con units etc). I dislike that it falls on me to coordinate all this but I don’t trust the others and they do trust me and don’t want the daily burden. I do it for Dad, not them. He’s healthy and happy.

We all agree to leave his longstanding doctor to make the final call on Dad’s health if we disagree. My sister is now very anti-vax but we manage to get Dad vaxxed as he always has been thanks to his doctor.

@isadora2021 Thank you so much for your story. It is sounding a bit familiar. Your experiences are similar. It is so important to put those accountability pieces in place. My father had all that done with the estate planning before he died. However, my mother needs to be declared incompetent by doctors before we can take over control. Then it goes to my sister. I am last in the pecking order. Right now my sister does the day to day finances (I do taxes) but makes very major decisions without discussing it with us, ie new $80k (tek)deck and patio. High end window replacement. Things she'd put in her own home, not into a home we'll be selling within 5-10 years. We'll never recover those costs in a resale.
All the best to you in your family's journey. I am so grateful my in laws are all in agreement with their 96 year old mom!!

Our family has been through a similar situation with my now 90 (almost 91) year old father. We’ve been persuaded by my sister (a clinical nurse) NOT to get Dad tested. She has convinced us that a diagnosis would actually be detrimental to him including if he needs to go into hospital where he would be located amongst severe cases.

Dad in the here and now has his full mental faculties. He’s spot on in considering decisions relating to him. But he’ll forget the conversation very soon after and can be manipulated.

Instead we’ve come to a family agreement.

My sister and her husband were very bad at manipulating Dad to make financial decisions that benefitted their family, like helping him to buy a car that was way too big for him as they knew his driving days were limited and they wanted the SUV at no cost for one of my nieces ! Of course he stopped very soon and the car was suddenly gone from the driveway. Dad says they were supposed to sell it and split the proceeds. They ignored that. Shocking. Not that I wanted the money but shocked they’d do that.

He’d also forget that he’d promised to discuss everything with my brother and I first before making any decisions.

So we had to agree they’d stop that nonsense otherwise we WOULD have to get him diagnosed and have his guardian step in to protect his interests (a friend lawyer we’d put in place some time ago in case it was needed).

It now falls to me to pay all his bills with his consent (I hav a longstanding power of attorney on his account from when he and mom used to travel a lot) and copying everyone in each time I use his account to give them full details of what I’ve done.

My siblings and I all make other decisions subject to his final approval (eg gutter cleaning quotes, new air con units etc). I dislike that it falls on me to coordinate all this but I don’t trust the others and they do trust me and don’t want the daily burden. I do it for Dad, not them. He’s healthy and happy.

We all agree to leave his longstanding doctor to make the final call on Dad’s health if we disagree. My sister is now very anti-vax but we manage to get Dad vaxxed as he always has been thanks to his doctor.

@isadora2021 Who is providing daily care? You might request a family meeting and create an hourly rate and post all the hours you work and whomever works with details.

@gilkesl A good point. I am “fortunate” in that I retired from a high paid stressful job soon after my stage 4 cancer treatment ended. I worked hard and also through treatment. Luckily I now don’t need the money from Dad’s dwindling super.

Between one of my nieces (who lives with him while finishing off university), her husband and me, we keep him well covered.

Dad is mobile without walking aids and still able to shower and dress by himself and cook. We have security cameras outside so we know and can watch if he goes outside. So far we’ve not needed to invade his privacy inside but some stage we will need to. He always wears a medic alert button around his neck.

My niece and her husband get free living and you’re right I get nothing financial BUT the 3 of us are so grateful for having Pops with us we happily do what he needs without charge.

Yes I sometimes do get annoyed for Pops sake as well as my own how little my brother and sister do for him!!