My husband passed away

@maryannm- I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I'm in New England. But perhaps others will meet you.

How are you doing? Is there anything particular that you want to ask or talk about?

My husband died from Vascular dementia.

Merry

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@bigmaya- Watching TV is easy for me when I'm really down. Even if your mind wants to grieve 24 hours a day it's not good, breaks are needed. There is much to think about and lots of decisions to make.

My biggest fear has been what will life be like now. Where do I go from here? Will I meet someone new, even at my age? Will I want to meet someone else?

My kitty keeps me warm and I feel that she saved my life. The weight and feel of her soft fur kept some of the pain from surfacing and her cute mews for dinner late in coming showed me that she needed me. But of course, it's not enough.

I can't believe that it will be 5 months Sept. 10th. It doesn't seem possible that he's gone at all, never mind for 5 months.

Merry

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Hello Merry,
It's 03.48 in the morning where l live. Hope to get back to sleep somehow... Harpo doesn't care, he snores away or is it Olive 😺 ??? and Clara watches me with her huge scrutinizing eyes. Thursday evening will mark two weeks since my husband's passing and when l get to be with people (just a little) l think for a moment that l'll survive but then l'm on my own again and this huge tsunami of sadness breaks over me. I too wonder what will happen to me... will l be able to carry on, be able to stay in this house, we don't own the place... l try to read, have tons of books, used to be an avid reader, but when my husband got sick l just lost all interest. There are formalities to be taken care of, always hated it!!! But it's on ME now... and it just adds to my anxiety and fear. Hope you're having a good night's rest🙏

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First of all, I am sending you a huge hug. I lost my husband of 38 yrs suddenly 2 years ago and it is AWFUL. I volunteered with a local hospice group for years so i knew who to call for help. My particular hospice is a non-profit hospice but I don't think that even matters. Even if you didn't use hospice for your husband, there are many different hospice organizations that can help you with grief support. Please reach out to all the local hospice groups and ask if they have bereavement support services. They can help direct you to counseling if they cannot help. The formalities that you speak of were the worst for me also. I gave up the bookkeeping to my hubby when everything became automated 20+ years ago and i was clueless. I still hate it and get goofed up but with the help of friends I understand it better. Please think about friends and family that have offered to help and then who in that group is good with household financing! Now is the time to accept help from friends and family and to be creative in what you ask for. I couldn't eat the food that people kept sending but when i asked instead for specific help on projects or taxes or finances I had many offers. My one friend didn't know what to do for me but she is in finance so it made her feel great that she could offer her expertise with this. I hate that you are going through this and i know it so well. I learned that i have to swallow my pride and seek help in many areas. Hospice organizations (namely the bereavement side) and grief support is a great place to start! Also, if you are at all religious, many different churches offer different grief support "programs". Church members train to lead these groups. I think one such group is called "Grief share" so at least look that up right now!!! I am so sorry to see you go through this and I'll be thinking of you and sending encouragement.

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First of all, I am sending you a huge hug. I lost my husband of 38 yrs suddenly 2 years ago and it is AWFUL. I volunteered with a local hospice group for years so i knew who to call for help. My particular hospice is a non-profit hospice but I don't think that even matters. Even if you didn't use hospice for your husband, there are many different hospice organizations that can help you with grief support. Please reach out to all the local hospice groups and ask if they have bereavement support services. They can help direct you to counseling if they cannot help. The formalities that you speak of were the worst for me also. I gave up the bookkeeping to my hubby when everything became automated 20+ years ago and i was clueless. I still hate it and get goofed up but with the help of friends I understand it better. Please think about friends and family that have offered to help and then who in that group is good with household financing! Now is the time to accept help from friends and family and to be creative in what you ask for. I couldn't eat the food that people kept sending but when i asked instead for specific help on projects or taxes or finances I had many offers. My one friend didn't know what to do for me but she is in finance so it made her feel great that she could offer her expertise with this. I hate that you are going through this and i know it so well. I learned that i have to swallow my pride and seek help in many areas. Hospice organizations (namely the bereavement side) and grief support is a great place to start! Also, if you are at all religious, many different churches offer different grief support "programs". Church members train to lead these groups. I think one such group is called "Grief share" so at least look that up right now!!! I am so sorry to see you go through this and I'll be thinking of you and sending encouragement.

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Hi Merry,
I just signed up today for all of this but I'm glad I did it. I cannot believe you have been fighting Lung cancer and now just lost your husband? Life is hard! I'm glad you have the support from different places as it will help ease the suffering. I also started journaling at about the 6 month mark and that has really been key to getting my feelings OUT and worked out. I guess i was not very self-aware before my husband's death but I have learned a lot about myself since then. Honestly, Ive had several 'Eureka" moments through my journaling and it always feels cathartic somehow. My name is Karen, btw. I'll change the initials on my profile--that seems impersonal to me. Komebackqueen was almost an "intention" because too often i feel like Ive worked hard at moving forward but still feel stuck in lots of ways. Thanks for reaching out!

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Good morning- There's no need to change your name and initials. Just sign your correct name when you end it what you want to say. I get the name and I'm very glad that you are on Connect.

Everything I go through, live through, work at, etc. seems hard. Ok, I'm winning. Losing a husband is damn hard. It's like waking up in a world you are somehow disconnected from. Today seems particularly difficult for me. Out of the blue someone contacted me and started flirting. WOW

My mind has gone in two different directions. One wonders what David would think (my counselor says that it doesn't matter because it's me and my life now) and the other is very protective from being hurt or winding up in a situation that I'm not able to handle. I love to flirt but in situations that I can read, not in situations that I can't.

Keep having those Eureka moments, I love mine. They are great, eh?

Writing is a passion of mine, although I haven't written much about David's death yet or my feelings. I tend to hold things in a lot, and my time for writing will come.

However, I do write a lot to my mentor friends and I think that counts a lot and has helped me more than they will ever know!

Being stuck is the name of the game. It can take a long time to go forward. Sometimes it seems that it will never happen and then it does, even for a bit.

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Yes its been a rough day for me today as well. I'm starting to wonder if there is a point where i am holding on to Jared and to my grief because its kept me company for so long, Besides, its a scary world out there now that he has been grabbed from it. Perhaps i indulge my feelings too much. If i get away for a weekend with friends then I am truly able to be in the moment. But i can't travel with friends forever because I still must return to solo living and then the longing for "us". My therapist and I are starting to reprocess the accident/trauma so that i can "refile" that memory--yet i am still protesting the fact that he is gone.

Speaking of flirting...I actually went on a blind date last week--the first date with a different guy in 43 years!! The texting and emailing beforehand (i suppose the flirting) was actually fun and exciting and he seemed so responsive and funny. But in person? Totally different guy showed up! Online I had admitted that I wanted to meet up with him as soon as possible before i lost my nerve. He assured me that we would have fun and laugh if nothing else. Honestly, I asked him at the end of the date what happened to all the jokes? I texted him the next day to thank him but to explain that i obviously wasn't ready for this. But, I also knew that he was not a good fit or even a good guy. The next several days I was lower than usual. My therapist warned me that dates and such can elicit all sorts of emotions. Boy was she correct! But I'm glad to have gone through with it and to have "ripped that band aid" right off. To be honest, I always hated dating.

Hang in there. It does help knowing that much of this is normal and "shared" by others. It seems like I'll ask my therapist every 3-4 sessions, "What is wrong with me?" and she usually ends up reassuring me that "This is not uncommon. You are normal".
Karen

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