My depression never seems to end

Posted by missy4396 @missy4396, Apr 26, 2017

I am new to this group, I just happened to find it today. I get the monthly depression online readings from Mayo Clinic. I turned 50 on Monday. I have stayed in denial. I know this may not seem like a bad age, however it is for me. I have been divorced for 15 years. I have never remarried. I have 2 beautiful daughters, they are 29 and 21. I rarely see either one of them. I am a recovering alcoholic as well. I do attend meetings, see a counselor, work with a sponsor and sponsor other ladies in the program. I see a psychiatrist and I do take a couple anti-depressants. I have been hospitalized two times in patient and several times in partial day treatment. I do work, however I haven’t this week. I don’t get paid if I don’t work. So financially I’m messed up. I’ve been physically sick and should be going back to work tomorrow. I live paycheck to paycheck and I can’t afford to even miss an hours work. I was sober for 17 years until my divorce. I started drinking very heavily again, my girls were 16 and 9. Neither one of them had seen me drink up until that time. I did a lot of damage as they were growing up. This is why I rarely see them or talk to them. I am very lonely and hat this life I live. I have a diagnosis of severe depression with recurring episodes. I have been in counseling for years. This is a horrible disease and I feel like I have had very little relief over the last 15 years. My doctor and I both agree that I don’t respond well to antidepressants. I have tried them all. I am not suicidal by any means. But I feel like I have no reason to be here. I have no purpose….I’m so lonely and regret the past. I once had a very happy family…normal family. My girls are in contract with their day regularly. My youngest lives with him. He is also an alcoholic and I believe an addict. He is a functional alcoholic where I am not. I don’t want to drink, not do I want to be so miserable any more. I don’t know what else to do….feeling very hopeless and days I just want to give up!!! I am blessed to still have both my parents, I do feel like they are my only real family!!

@danybegood1

@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist. If ive been suffering for 15 yrs with this itching, and its just an allergy im going to kick myself in the butt. Lol. Talk to you later.
Judy

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If we are on Medicare/cal – we are not affected by the Affordable Care Act. Hopefully this will not change in the next few years.
Hope your brother is doing better.

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after I read your story I thought it was my daughter with a fake name. Please know this, the first thing is you need to love and forgive yourself and if you are a believer ask God for the same love and forgiveness. You must walk away from past mistakes and those thoughts, step in to this day and smile as it a new day. you do not know me but know I love your spirit. When we stumble and fall we only need to get back up, shake off the dirt and go on.

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@beemerw47

I see a lot of things going on..I have never been an alcoholic but I suffer from depression, anxiety and PTSD from brain injuries and am divorced so I understand the loneliness and that deficit..My twins are 14 and they feel that difference..I did not remarry my ex did..he is still not very nice but I am disabled and right now do not drive so that is the isolation..I have learned Psychiatrists only talk for a few minutes and regularly give meds..psychologists give 45 minutes of talking and cannot give meds..they work with the psychiatrist…Secondly we marry our family sometimes..that pain repeats…your kids have not resolved what they experienced and if by chance they did, you are not there yet…third..happiness starts with you so the first thing is finding you..who are you..what do you like..journal and you need to let go of the past and forgive yourself..how?.. GOD showed me..simply envision a movie theater with you and someone who makes you feel strong..now you do this when you feel you are ready to let go and I suggest first journaling out this negativity so you can see how your brain looks at life for a good few weeks just to meet you for the last time..then this exercise..but in this movie theater, one at a time, go through each negative, memory, thought, each one remember like a silent movie and let it play and then reach your hand up and like the old film strips pull it out of your head and look at your fist because it is there, out of your head..there will be a box by your foot..throw it down..each one watch and throw it down..you will feel lighter with each…then you pick up photo albums and give yourself good memories, listen to good music, change the colors in your home to bright happy colors, you can get a light box or open the shades and go outside and take a walk and breathe in the air and you know what , if you pray for your family..GOD is kind..you can write them..send pictures..tell your kids simply that you love them…And smile..I started changing every negative thought to a positive..took a solid year..but my body rejected my antidepressants..I do not produce Seratonin with a damaged Limbic system..but I am going strong..smiling…deep slow breaths and look in the mirror at you close your eyes and ask GOD to see yourself with HIS LOVE..and open them..start loving you…First step is seeing the problem then it is trying to find an answer, do not overwhelm yourself..one step at a time..You will get there..GOD BLESS

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@beemerw47 Thanks for sharing your story with us. I admire your perseverance to keep strong! Wishing you peace. Teresa

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Talking is a huge part of healing..sharing what you feel and hearing the good and rejecting the bad..i have learned you cannot take on other people’s anger and depression and sorrow..but if you can give something positive o think about..something to give strength to go on..Look at the world right now..how easy is it to escape to a pill than to face a problem and to deal with it? I applaud your strength..every person willing to come on here to say “I have this problem and this is what is is going on”..Or “This is how i am dealing with it” when i say we are all connected..GOD did not put people on the earth to suffer especially alone..everyone is unique in their own way and can give something to someone else..so i wish everyone success on their journeys..good days and bad days..that is a part of this journey of life…

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Hi everyone…I have been on here inn a while. Actually was having trouble finding what I had posted last. I did break up with Andy 3 weeks ago. Well it was mutual. I haven’t talked to him since. I have seen him at 3 meetings over the last 3 weeks…and all we say is hi in passing. He is happy with this and it was what he wanted too. I guess I had hoped in the back of my mind, when I put all of this on the table, that he’d change his mind….his response was, “I don’t know what to say” and that was the end of it. It’s been very hurtful and sad to spend over a year with someone and realize i meant nothing. And someone I have talked or text almost daily and never hear from them again. I have been feeling pretty down, and I do go to other meetings now. I do know in my mind and heart this was the right decision, but I’m struggling with the idea that “I did have someone there” When in reality I had someone there when convenient for him…..now I just want to stop missing him and feeling down. I’ve been praying daily for guidance…..I know it will get easier, it’s just getting there….

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@missy4396 It is good to hear from you Missy. I’m sorry for your loss, I know you had concerns about letting go of this relationship. I hope that you can find friends and activities to fill in the gap left by this relationship. Keep in touch with us and continue to share, we are pleased to be your listening ears! Wishing you peace and wisdom as you begin to create a new chapter in your life. Teresa

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