My depression never seems to end

Posted by missy4396 @missy4396, Apr 26, 2017

I am new to this group, I just happened to find it today. I get the monthly depression online readings from Mayo Clinic. I turned 50 on Monday. I have stayed in denial. I know this may not seem like a bad age, however it is for me. I have been divorced for 15 years. I have never remarried. I have 2 beautiful daughters, they are 29 and 21. I rarely see either one of them. I am a recovering alcoholic as well. I do attend meetings, see a counselor, work with a sponsor and sponsor other ladies in the program. I see a psychiatrist and I do take a couple anti-depressants. I have been hospitalized two times in patient and several times in partial day treatment. I do work, however I haven’t this week. I don’t get paid if I don’t work. So financially I’m messed up. I’ve been physically sick and should be going back to work tomorrow. I live paycheck to paycheck and I can’t afford to even miss an hours work. I was sober for 17 years until my divorce. I started drinking very heavily again, my girls were 16 and 9. Neither one of them had seen me drink up until that time. I did a lot of damage as they were growing up. This is why I rarely see them or talk to them. I am very lonely and hat this life I live. I have a diagnosis of severe depression with recurring episodes. I have been in counseling for years. This is a horrible disease and I feel like I have had very little relief over the last 15 years. My doctor and I both agree that I don’t respond well to antidepressants. I have tried them all. I am not suicidal by any means. But I feel like I have no reason to be here. I have no purpose….I’m so lonely and regret the past. I once had a very happy family…normal family. My girls are in contract with their day regularly. My youngest lives with him. He is also an alcoholic and I believe an addict. He is a functional alcoholic where I am not. I don’t want to drink, not do I want to be so miserable any more. I don’t know what else to do….feeling very hopeless and days I just want to give up!!! I am blessed to still have both my parents, I do feel like they are my only real family!!

@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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Not sure what just happened…when I put your name in I could only see the first 2 lines I typed?? I’m trying to get used to this. Seems like there is a lot of different posts to read and I feel a bit confused. So if anyone knows what I’m doing wrong, please let me know. I understand to click on reply and see the conversation, but I have like 9 notifications and I’m not sure if I need to click on each one, or if there is an easier way to follow. I have been dating this descent man for over a year. This is our third time around. We get a long very well. We live like 5 minutes apart. He has two pits, one just had her front leg amputated due to cancer. She has healed and did her chemo . She does have pneumonia right now. I love both of these dogs too. I am 50 and he is 47. He has never been married, lived with a women or doesn’t have any kids. We see each other maybe once or twice a week. I talked with him 2 weeks ago about our future, that I didn’t want to be with someone I don’t have a future with etc….He agreed and we decided to stay together. However, nothing changed, again!! We never spend the night with each other. He doesn’t leave his dogs all night, and if I stay there I have to sleep in the guest room by myself. The dogs sleep with him. Two big pits and him in a King size bed, leaves no room for me. Long story…Like I stated before I have been divorced for 15 years and I don’t want to live the rest of my life alone. I just don’t think his idea of a future and mine are not the same. He lives in a big 2 story home, with the 2 dogs. I live in a little apartment and struggle financially. My lease ends the beginning of July. I tried to talk to him again tonight about a future….if he is going to sell his house (he said he will downsized when something happens to his dogs) They have a nice big back fenced in yard. I understand that…then he started talking about he may buy a condo later or he may buy a house closer to his dad, when something happens to his dogs. It’s always “he will buy” it’s never us. Nor, has he offered for me to move him and his dogs. Oh my gosh, I feel like I am in competition with his dogs. He has pictures of them on facebook and on his phone, and he doesn’t me. I’m so confused….I would love to hear anyone’s input. He is a wonderful man, treats me good and we never argue. But I feel like I’m dating a kid!! I’m too old to waste my time….I’ve attempted to break up and got very anxious and depressed and changed my mind and decided to stay. HELP!!! I don’t know how many people can see when I post things either?? I’m hoping everyone in the discussion can??

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@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist. If ive been suffering for 15 yrs with this itching, and its just an allergy im going to kick myself in the butt. Lol. Talk to you later.
Judy

Liked by missy4396

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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@missy4396, hi missy, you say you’ve been with this man for a little over a year? I dont want to spend the rest of my life alone either. It sounds like this guy might be happy with the way things are. Does he ever bring the dogs to your house? I hate to get too personal but are you guys intimate at all? I dont think i like this guy. It seems he’s not treating you well enough. If im over stepping my boundaries im very sorry. I can feel pretty protective sometimes. Thoughts from someone else? Am i overlooking something? Dont be a stranger. Love, Judy

Liked by missy4396

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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@beemerw47 You have given some helpful suggestions, thanks! Teresa

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what i can tell all of you from learning about people..I was a Social Worker for years, brain injured now but i have learned to watch people..heck with my severe brain injury I woke up like a 4 year old so I literally grew up in front of my ex..which was his “excuse” or one of them for “falling out of love” with me…I have learned everyone is a gift, a bad experience, a good one..we take from the experience what we can..we have to learn not to repeat the negative or..haven’t you noticed..it repeats..GOD’s divine plan..you learn and it does not..we take the good..we change..See all we can do is change us, not others..and teach our children to look at people’s hearts..not the outside, not the world, not what is going on in the negative..but the positive side..i am still coming back but the brain is extraordinary what dimensions..what capacity…one day at a time..and keep smiling..you are here now..You woke up which means you have a day ahead of you so what positives can you accomplish..that is why i journal the bad and keep the good…

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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@missy4396 Thanks for posting about your fear of being alone. Sometimes fears can put us in very difficult places, can’t they? Often when we fear we seek relationships that we hope will provide protection from our fears, but sometimes they don’t do they? They often create more fears. It seems you have fears about staying with this man. Have you talked with a counselor regarding your fears? If not, I would urge you do so. Keep in touch with Mayo Connect and let us know how you are doing. Teresa

Liked by missy4396

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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Thank you Teresa!! Yes I am seeing a counselor and we are working on this issue. I have a fear of breaking up and being more depressed or staying with him and not being in a fulfilling relationship. This is always been my past…even my divorce. I feel like I want to break up or divorce, I go through with it and then I regret the decision. Then I romance all of the good times, not the real reason we are not together. That sounds crazy!!! I will be on here, I love this group. I feel blessed that I found it. God does work in my life!!

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Thank you!! I love your positive outlook on life. You have been through so much and you have came out on the other side a winner. God Bless You!!

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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No not at all Judy!! I put my life on here for positive or negative feed back. You sound like all of my friends in AA, my family and my counselor. Intimacy is very limited, maybe once a week and never an over night thing. No, he has never brought his dogs here. You are probably 100% spot on!! He is very comfortable with the way things are…it works perfectly for me. WOW…..I don’t think it’s intentionally either, I just think it is the way he is. He is a wonderful man and has a lot of great qualities. Truth is, just not a wonderful man for me to be in a relationship with. I have a lot of decisions and praying to do. Making decisions has been so hard for me since I’ve been sober this time, almost 4 years. I can’t decide where I want to eat sometimes. I think all of you on here are amazing!! Thank you!! I’m going to a belated birthday lunch with my daughters today. Haven’t seen them in a while. Wish me luck!! I do get a little anxious around them. I just don’t know what to say or how to act. If I ask questions about them, I’m being nosy. If I share my life with them, I’m being dramatic and negative. I’m sure there is truth in the drama and negativity. It’s a hard habit to break and I’m working on it. Some days are better than others!!

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Thank you beemer for your positive attitude. You have gone through so much and are still positive. Many hugs

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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@missy4396 I am glad that you are in counseling and I understand how difficult it is. I’m glad that you found this group as well! You encourage us with your sharing. Stay strong! Teresa

Liked by Jamie Olson

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist. If ive been suffering for 15 yrs with this itching, and its just an allergy im going to kick myself in the butt. Lol. Talk to you later.
Judy

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Your are welcome!! Keep me updated. My mom’t itching does get worse if she is under a lot of stress. But that is not the root cause.

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, @micmag,@beemerw47, my name is Judy. I have had a deep depression for more than 10 years, off and on. I had a near 30 yrs marriage but because of verbal abuse and emotional abuse i finally called it quits. (This was my 2nd husband) Much too late, for it has damaged my children. On top of my guilt for this, their first dad was never around for them either and he just died over this past weekend without ever telling our children that he was sick. He discovered it last September right around the time of my heart attack. He had plenty of time to give our kids a heads up but he didnt. Our kids just received a phone call out of the blue from their aunt, no emotion whatsoever, “well i guess there’s no way to say it, your dad has passed. ” My daughter immediately starts screaming. Once more again her dad has finally, and forever left them. If he were here id slap him again for being so selfish and thinking only of himself. He musthave forgotten he had two kids. Iam so angry at him and his whole family i could spit nails! Its a long story, but my kids have been damaged by their real father, and by my second husband. I finally called it quits in 2014. I moved in with my grown kids, and they love me, and they are here but im still lonely. I have no friends, no one to talk to or go anywhere with. I dont drive. Living on social security, oh woe is me. I think we all have these things we need to deal with and we are to a certain extent. My pcp changed my antidepressant again to, duloxitine, which i think is Cym alta. And dare i hope? I think i might be feeling better. Im almost afraid to say anything to anyone, afraid i will jinx it. And, i have found a pastime, so to speak. Being an armchair activist for whoever or whatever needs it. Animals mostly, because they dont have a voice. Im mostly on Facebook, using my real name. On discuss too. I thoroughly enjoy giving animal abusers a thrashing. Anyway, with a little luck, and perserverance, we.will all survive.
All my best wishes and love, Judy

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@missy4396, of course Missy, you could think long and hard about this. I know you are a great person, i can tell. But you know, until you make up your mind you could still go out maybe with friends, a few girlfriends. Not be so available to him. Treat him the way that guys treat us sometimes? You know out of sight, out of mind? You might find out how important you are to him. And really go out. Go see a movie or something. Wish we lived closer. Am i way off base here? Love, the instigator. Judy

Liked by deev

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist. If ive been suffering for 15 yrs with this itching, and its just an allergy im going to kick myself in the butt. Lol. Talk to you later.
Judy

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20 years ago – I got stack of papers re products I CAN USE. soaps, makeup, detergents, shampoos everything -etc. I cannot find an allergist in L A area that provides this.
I went to allergist – got tested – now she expects me to go around -every time I shop, look up ingredients and figure out it i can use. OR, Buy$, put smear in plastic bag – drive down, get tested, wait, drive back see her – see if i can use that product – Ridiculous solution.

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@danybegood1

@missy4396, thanks missy, right back at you. Iam going to make an appt with an allergist. If ive been suffering for 15 yrs with this itching, and its just an allergy im going to kick myself in the butt. Lol. Talk to you later.
Judy

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@mari, boy that sounds like a lot of work. I think doctors today are kind of worn out. Just think of how many patients they have to see after ObamaCare. I guess it made it a lot easier for people to see the doctor and get taken care of. This is a good thing. My brother is finally able to get some care. I almost lost him before Christmas, severe Pancreatitis. I just hope they dont try to take a fast track with their patients and miss something. I think we know how the wrong medicine feels. If i have an allergy i bet its my dog. The last two dogs ive had had bad yeast infections. oy vey. a yeaster
See ya later gator, Judy

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