1. < Caregivers: Dementia

My cognitively impaired father wants to date.

Posted by daisychain @daisychain, Jan 9 2:37pm

I care for my elderly father, who is incapable of living alone without my substantial help (I do all the IADLs, except meal prep which is handled by Chef Mic). He does not drive. He is 78 and has been a widower for two and a half years. He has Parkinsons, vision problems, and is hard of hearing (along with many other health problems). He is also cognitively impaired. I know that he is lonely and I have encouraged him to let me take him to the local senior center (it is excellent) or bring in a (hired) companion for him. He does not want to do either. My husband and I have had long discussions about possible ways he might volunteer, but given his cognitive deficits and other issues, we can't really come up with anything (any suggestions that worked for someone else would be much appreciated). He does go to physical therapy three times per week. Yesterday, he approached one of the PTs and asked her on a date. She told him she was married. She is my age. I suspected this was coming since he had her photo on his computer at home and he told me that I had told him where she lived (I did not). I am not sure what to do here. I want my father to be happy, but did not see dating in his future when I signed on to help him after my stepmother died. I am so concerned about someone taking advantage of my father if he tries to date, not to mention the mess that would be left to clean up if something went wrong. I am not sure I could handle the stress of that. If any one else would have some advice about how they handled similar wishes in their cognitively impaired loved one, I'd appreciate your sharing your story with me.

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Scott R L | @scottrl | Jan 9 4:48pm

I sympathize that he's feeling lonely. I can't imagine how I'd survive five minutes without my wife.

That being said, do you think he's looking for some female companionship, or do you think he's in search of a new life partner?

Managing his expectations is certainly a challenge, and I admire you for dedication to seeing him happy.

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Mentor
Sue, Volunteer Mentor | @sueinmn | Jan 9 5:03pm

@daisychain Wow! Like you, I can see all sorts of issues here. You are right to be concerned.

For two years we had a neighbor in similar circumstances, except he totally lacked family support. Turns out he had "run away" from a care facility back home there with a woman - who ditched him in Texas and took his car. People in our small community tried to keep an eye out for him, but he did go out to (dive) bars and brought home female companions - several of whom robbed him or otherwise took advantage. He ended up very ill and in the hospital in the hospital, where they wouldn't release him on his own. A brother finally materialized and moved him back to their home state and we have lost track of him.

You are lucky the first person your Dad approached was someone who was willing to tell you. I'm not sure what to suggest. Have you (or maybe your husband) tried talking to him about what he is looking for? It might be a good idea to bring his doctor into the conversation as well.
Sue

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1 reply
daisychain | @daisychain | Jan 10 7:04am
In reply to @scottrl "I sympathize that he's feeling lonely. I can't imagine how I'd survive five minutes without my..." + (show)
@scottrl

I sympathize that he's feeling lonely. I can't imagine how I'd survive five minutes without my wife.

That being said, do you think he's looking for some female companionship, or do you think he's in search of a new life partner?

Managing his expectations is certainly a challenge, and I admire you for dedication to seeing him happy.

Jump to this post

Thanks Scott for your question. The answer is that I am really not sure. I was so stunned by this whole turn of events that I haven't really spoken to him about it yet. There is certainly a difference between looking for someone to hang out with a bit and someone to spend your life with. When I talk to him, I will make sure to ask.

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daisychain | @daisychain | Jan 10 7:07am
In reply to @sueinmn "@daisychain Wow! Like you, I can see all sorts of issues here. You are right to..." + (show)
@sueinmn

@daisychain Wow! Like you, I can see all sorts of issues here. You are right to be concerned.

For two years we had a neighbor in similar circumstances, except he totally lacked family support. Turns out he had "run away" from a care facility back home there with a woman - who ditched him in Texas and took his car. People in our small community tried to keep an eye out for him, but he did go out to (dive) bars and brought home female companions - several of whom robbed him or otherwise took advantage. He ended up very ill and in the hospital in the hospital, where they wouldn't release him on his own. A brother finally materialized and moved him back to their home state and we have lost track of him.

You are lucky the first person your Dad approached was someone who was willing to tell you. I'm not sure what to suggest. Have you (or maybe your husband) tried talking to him about what he is looking for? It might be a good idea to bring his doctor into the conversation as well.
Sue

Jump to this post

@sueinmn what an awful story. We have something similar down the street from us where an elderly man is being taken advantage of and it is heartbreaking. Bringing my dad's doctor into the picture is an excellent suggestion - thanks for your response!

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1 reply
Mentor
Scott, Volunteer Mentor | @IndianaScott | Jan 10 8:10am
In reply to @daisychain "@sueinmn what an awful story. We have something similar down the street from us where an..." + (show)
@daisychain

@sueinmn what an awful story. We have something similar down the street from us where an elderly man is being taken advantage of and it is heartbreaking. Bringing my dad's doctor into the picture is an excellent suggestion - thanks for your response!

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Hi @daisychain While I don’t have any magic suggestion I did want to share something my wife’s neuro doc told us: When the brain is ‘broken’, logic is often ineffective with the patient.

I can’t tell you how many times my wife’s thought processes and actions defied logic as well as her past personality as her disease progressed. It really forced me to be more forward thinking about possibilities than I had been.

I wish you all the best.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

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1 reply
coping123 | @coping123 | Jan 10 9:44am

Loneliness is a contributing factor to declining cognition & overall health, especially in the elderly. And it’s wonderful that your father is able to express his needs & wants to you.

If you father is an animal lover & there is a shelter in your area they may need volunteers to pet the cats & socialize the kittens (much easier than walking shelter dogs).

What about finding an older woman to be a paid companion - cooking a meal, a bit of housekeeping, and genuine conversation? You would want to brief the person about your father’s loneliness. You could introduce her as someone for him to “get to know” - which is true. Fortunately he’s from the generation where politeness & boundaries come fairly naturally. She may be able to find out what the underlying concern is. Is he loneliest at night? Does he miss home cooking? Does he want someone to sit & watch TV with him? Depending how impaired he is this type of companionship in-home on a regular basis may be sufficient. You would need to monitor closely & of course the companion would need to be aware of his wanting to “date” someone. A short walk in the yard/neighborhood or maybe a chaperoned trip to a casual restaurant might help as well.

The idea is to present the companion help as another lonely person. If he belongs to a church there may be someone there who does home companionship visits.

I’m sure others in this group will have some excellent ideas for you.

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1 reply
daisychain | @daisychain | Jan 11 8:01am
In reply to @IndianaScott "Hi @daisychain While I don’t have any magic suggestion I did want to share something my..." + (show)
@IndianaScott

Hi @daisychain While I don’t have any magic suggestion I did want to share something my wife’s neuro doc told us: When the brain is ‘broken’, logic is often ineffective with the patient.

I can’t tell you how many times my wife’s thought processes and actions defied logic as well as her past personality as her disease progressed. It really forced me to be more forward thinking about possibilities than I had been.

I wish you all the best.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Jump to this post

@IndianaScott - thanks for your response. After talking with my brother and husband, we've decided that trying to tell him why this isn't appropriate and possibly unsafe will not help. We are going to try to redirect him with some companions that may help him feel less isolated.

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daisychain | @daisychain | Jan 11 8:03am
In reply to @coping123 "Loneliness is a contributing factor to declining cognition & overall health, especially in the elderly. And..." + (show)
@coping123

Loneliness is a contributing factor to declining cognition & overall health, especially in the elderly. And it’s wonderful that your father is able to express his needs & wants to you.

If you father is an animal lover & there is a shelter in your area they may need volunteers to pet the cats & socialize the kittens (much easier than walking shelter dogs).

What about finding an older woman to be a paid companion - cooking a meal, a bit of housekeeping, and genuine conversation? You would want to brief the person about your father’s loneliness. You could introduce her as someone for him to “get to know” - which is true. Fortunately he’s from the generation where politeness & boundaries come fairly naturally. She may be able to find out what the underlying concern is. Is he loneliest at night? Does he miss home cooking? Does he want someone to sit & watch TV with him? Depending how impaired he is this type of companionship in-home on a regular basis may be sufficient. You would need to monitor closely & of course the companion would need to be aware of his wanting to “date” someone. A short walk in the yard/neighborhood or maybe a chaperoned trip to a casual restaurant might help as well.

The idea is to present the companion help as another lonely person. If he belongs to a church there may be someone there who does home companionship visits.

I’m sure others in this group will have some excellent ideas for you.

Jump to this post

@coping123 while I hadn't considered a shelter that would be an excellent idea, but my father is allergic to animals. I absolutely love your idea to introduce a companion from our church and plan to make a call today to see if they might have someone who can offer some companionship from time to time. We have decided to hire someone to give him another person to interact with and take some of the caregiver burden off me. Thank you so much for your suggestions!

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