Grief: My 'bad' coping mechanism experience

Posted by mcmurf2 @mcmurf2, Wed, Jun 12 9:38pm

2 years ago, my sister suddenly was effected by an idiopathic lung problem. She ended up working with the University of Washington – possible heart/lung transplant. She fought very hard and tried to continue an independent life. ( I’m states away). She was also diabetic. She was trying real hard to better herself.
Last Christmas, I did not hear from her. ( Her and I are our only blood family). Finally got a hold of her. She said she slept 4 days – thru Christmas. Ok, she did sleep a lot due to being weak from the lung issue. I am use to her sleeping a lot. We had a good talk, she sounded good and said she was going to get up and get some food. Days past. The pause on her phone to get to the answering machine got longer. I had a gut feeling. BUT I was really trying to give her support for being independent. Time passed and no response from FB, phone or messages. Gut feeling. BUT, IF I called in a wellness check and she was just sleeping, she would have killed me if her door had been broken down and she was asleep in the chair. Maybe she was feeling good and went to the casino and was tired after that and was resting…? Well, Jan 9th, I called in a wellness check. They found her dead in bed.
Have no idea how long she was there. No autopsy but I put things together and figured, since she was sleeping so much, she wasn’t eating or taking insulin.. she went into a diabetic coma.

So, I had to fly out to Seattle and ‘take care’ of things. I held it together during the day, but the nights… I went thru 2 bottles of Jack and took 2 mg of Klonopoin at night.. the nights were mine.

Fast forward to May 24th. Her funeral at the national cemetery – clear across the state. Lots of turn out from people all over the country. I held it together well.

the next day when we left for home, the interstate goes right by the cemetery. I looked up at it and just wanted to scream. I have been low before, had my share of hospital stays from mental breaks and lows. But NOTHING like this. Something was over me. I couldn’t figure out how my heart was still beating and I felt so bad. It was like something came and took my soul. I was pretty messed up when my sister died.. but NOTHING like this.. very unfamiliar with it. They say there is no pain like the pain of a mother losing her child – I have SEEN this pain with a good friend when she lost her daughter – seen her body laying on the bed when I’d check in on her.. but there was a bad ‘ thing’ surrounding her. She was not there. I think this is what I was feeling.
My step dad was in the back seat. ( I had a friend drive out with me so I wasn’t driving). I could NOT let him see me break so as not to upset him. I Bawled silently all the way home.. across the state. Getting out of the car at gas stations and rest stop and letting it out a bit – but not so much as for someone to call the police.
Got home, I asked IF I could stop at the liquor store,, NO! fine,(now, I didn’t want to kill myself.. just needed NOT to feel this thing. I am trying to be sober.. so ok.. I bawled HARD for almost 2 hours. Until my body just couldn’t do it any longer. SO, my next coping mech. is cutting. I had an over hour fight with a razor… I won.. I actually got up and put it away. So, what to do???? I had my meds on the shelf. I have NEVER abused my meds. But,, I needed that ‘thing’ to go away. so… (somehow I came up with a stupid calculation of mg. that wouldn’t kill me.) and I took 6-7 mg of Klonopin with a handful of meletonin just to kick it in. I did this for 4 days. Day 5 ,(wed) somehow I took myself to the ER. I don’t remember ANYTHING ( well, 2 small things) of those 5 days. I even traveled an hour and a half to the town where my ‘phsyc’ team is and had an emergency chat with one of them.
I found out today about that day, she tried to get me to go to the hospital.. I didn’t. I went and got 2 tattoos ( needed to feel some physical pain). I fell asleep for both.
One of those days of the week, I even went to my phsyc Dr and explained the ER trip. …??? I drove 2 times out of town, I have NO remembrance of this….
I”m just like WOW.. I went to the ER in some state and never saw a Dr ( this was ONE of the things I remember as I was waiting to see who my dr was going to be – didn’t want it to be a certain one- and I remember trying to focus on the name tag of the girl who gave me the IV.. she was not a Dr.
I scared myself. I don’t know how I feel about that whole episode. I actually didn’t think about it till last week,, realized I blacked out several days….just WOW.. looking back.. how could the ER and the therapy clinic let me go.. I must have been very high functioning… ???

Just had to share..
and when I do see my primary again, I am going to ask her to read me the ER note from that day.. …

This THING that had me, didn’t want me to die, it wanted me to suffer.. it took me to the gates of Hell.

Liked by 73years

@73years

woweeee. no words ever can be said. it is your journey and you must know there are many who support you as you go through your path… I lost my husband of 48 years Nov. 15, 2016! Almost 3 years ago. Everyone says, 'Move On'. I am STUCK!!!!!! But asa a couple, each knows one will loose the other. Your story is so 'just yours'… safe journey. highlight everywhere you can with light!

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thank you 73years. you know the journey….. and yes.. I"m still a bit stuck too. But,, only when I go down memory lane or work on her 'tribute room' I'm making for her. She has a lot of AF commendations, photos and artwork. AND,, her dog collection. I have taken over one of our antique rooms and am redoing it for 'her' room. I will have a place to go visit her. When I show that room ( although not complete yet), I still have trouble getting thru it. But days are better. hugs to you…

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checking in.:
had my 11 mayo appts last month so getting the physical aspect of my life in order. have more appts in the future. Lately,,I've been being bombarded with thoughts of my sister,, grief,anger at myself and just uneasy… Is it the start of menopause? Is is my thyroid problem? is it my bipolar? is it winter?.. is it the holidays coming ( remember,, I did not get to go out to visit my sister last Christmas when she died.). My medication has been upped.. I have been increased to 20 Mg of Abilify now along with others. I wake every night from 1:47 to 2:15. , Sometimes I can get back to sleep but most of the time, I just stay up as i just lay in bed thinking of things I shouldn't. So, I end up getting out of bed and staying up doing things. I"m also on Belsomra, 15 mg. It does GET me to sleep but doesn't KEEP me sleeping after I wake most of the time. I can't figure out what this 2:00 AM thing is. It did start back last spring but I didn't pay much attention to it then. I'm wondering if THIS is the physical time my sister passed. So, yes. when I wake,, my thoughts go there.
I have completed the DBT classes and they have helped curve some of my thoughts. Self harm thoughts only come briefly then go quickly. I have managed to stay sober since Aug. I don't know why on earth I chose this time to become sober. Drinking thoughts are getting stronger too but I"m still plugging along. why??? have no idea.
.
Thanksgiving we always shared with our friend that shot himself this summer. So I guess he is on the subconscious too.

BUT,, I seem to stay ok. I am an emotional basket case. ( probably that change in life thing coming on too on top of all this.). It is hard to separate what is triggering or going on. My Graves disease is being treated so hopefully, that will help things smooth out. I have shoulder surgery scheduled for Jan 8th. Right arm so I"ll be useless….

Just so much going on.

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@mcmurf2

checking in.:
had my 11 mayo appts last month so getting the physical aspect of my life in order. have more appts in the future. Lately,,I've been being bombarded with thoughts of my sister,, grief,anger at myself and just uneasy… Is it the start of menopause? Is is my thyroid problem? is it my bipolar? is it winter?.. is it the holidays coming ( remember,, I did not get to go out to visit my sister last Christmas when she died.). My medication has been upped.. I have been increased to 20 Mg of Abilify now along with others. I wake every night from 1:47 to 2:15. , Sometimes I can get back to sleep but most of the time, I just stay up as i just lay in bed thinking of things I shouldn't. So, I end up getting out of bed and staying up doing things. I"m also on Belsomra, 15 mg. It does GET me to sleep but doesn't KEEP me sleeping after I wake most of the time. I can't figure out what this 2:00 AM thing is. It did start back last spring but I didn't pay much attention to it then. I'm wondering if THIS is the physical time my sister passed. So, yes. when I wake,, my thoughts go there.
I have completed the DBT classes and they have helped curve some of my thoughts. Self harm thoughts only come briefly then go quickly. I have managed to stay sober since Aug. I don't know why on earth I chose this time to become sober. Drinking thoughts are getting stronger too but I"m still plugging along. why??? have no idea.
.
Thanksgiving we always shared with our friend that shot himself this summer. So I guess he is on the subconscious too.

BUT,, I seem to stay ok. I am an emotional basket case. ( probably that change in life thing coming on too on top of all this.). It is hard to separate what is triggering or going on. My Graves disease is being treated so hopefully, that will help things smooth out. I have shoulder surgery scheduled for Jan 8th. Right arm so I"ll be useless….

Just so much going on.

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@mcmurf2 So glad you checked in with us today! You have had a difficult year. If the holidays have usually been spent with family and friends, it is understandable to have strong emotions now. How interesting to wake at a specific time each night. Please be gentle on yourself. I am pleased you are sober today; that can be a struggle but you sound positive in your resolve. Sleep is hard for me, too, when there is a lot going on in my mind! Before your surgery, may I suggest you start using your left hand and figuring out exactly what may be the most difficult tasks, so you can figure them out now and lessen frustration later. Please continue to check in with us, we care about you.
Ginger

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@gingerw

@mcmurf2 So glad you checked in with us today! You have had a difficult year. If the holidays have usually been spent with family and friends, it is understandable to have strong emotions now. How interesting to wake at a specific time each night. Please be gentle on yourself. I am pleased you are sober today; that can be a struggle but you sound positive in your resolve. Sleep is hard for me, too, when there is a lot going on in my mind! Before your surgery, may I suggest you start using your left hand and figuring out exactly what may be the most difficult tasks, so you can figure them out now and lessen frustration later. Please continue to check in with us, we care about you.
Ginger

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hi Ginger.. I did decide since I"m not going to have a right hand that I"m going to turn it all into a positive. I bought larger canvas ( for less detail work), and I"m going to attempt to soften my abstract paintings by using my left hand!!!!! I"m actually looking forward to it. I have a couple ideas already. Right now, I'm just trying to get out the commission Christmas work.. while I have a right hand..ha At least I have something to do when I can't sleep now. Seems like everyone wants work done now. But,, still would rather sleep.

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@mcmurf2

hi Ginger.. I did decide since I"m not going to have a right hand that I"m going to turn it all into a positive. I bought larger canvas ( for less detail work), and I"m going to attempt to soften my abstract paintings by using my left hand!!!!! I"m actually looking forward to it. I have a couple ideas already. Right now, I'm just trying to get out the commission Christmas work.. while I have a right hand..ha At least I have something to do when I can't sleep now. Seems like everyone wants work done now. But,, still would rather sleep.

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@mcmurf2 Wow! I didn't know you are an artist- How cool is that! I have found in my experience that those of us who are creative souls feel everything in our soul/heart more deeply, positive or negative. As a natural left-hander, surgery on my right shoulder would not be a problem ;)) But playing around and doing things in your non-dominant hand can lead to some hilarious or frustrating or surprising outcomes.
Commission work – probably people have no idea how long a project takes start to finish, right? What medium do you work in? We have several members here at May Connect who do artwork.
Would you care to share a picture you are proud of, here?
Ginger

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@gingerw

@mcmurf2 Wow! I didn't know you are an artist- How cool is that! I have found in my experience that those of us who are creative souls feel everything in our soul/heart more deeply, positive or negative. As a natural left-hander, surgery on my right shoulder would not be a problem ;)) But playing around and doing things in your non-dominant hand can lead to some hilarious or frustrating or surprising outcomes.
Commission work – probably people have no idea how long a project takes start to finish, right? What medium do you work in? We have several members here at May Connect who do artwork.
Would you care to share a picture you are proud of, here?
Ginger

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I work in acrylic. want to explore watercolor this winter but worried as I have a bit of a dyslexic mind and taking away my 'white' color scares me a bit… ha. I"m not a finished artist. I just learn as I go.. but some people seem to like what I do. NOT realistic. more impressionistic. I only WISH I could be a realistic painter.

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