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Mother age 81, very challenging to care for
Hello, This is my first post.
I am 60, my mother is 81. She lives 3 miles down the road from me. She has not seen a doctor in 30+ years and has not seen a dentist or eye doctor in at least 5 years and refuses to do any of this. She also refuses in-home physical therapy, online mental health therapy, home health aides, and rejects all neighbor overtures.
She hasn’t left the house in almost 10 months now, but did say she wants me to take her to get Covid and flu vax next week.
She uses a walker (left over from my dad’s home hospice supplies -he passed about 2-1/2 years ago) and she gave up driving about 18 months ago. I still work full time and visit her usually 3 times per week. She has a lot of what I think is learned helplessness stemming back probably to childhood. It’s really hard to know how to balance honoring and encouraging her independence and autonomy and setting limits on what I can do. I feel like she’s playing mind games on me at times. As far as I can tell, she has no dementia. But she hardly ever sees anyone but me. She does have a cleaner who comes twice per month but I think she basically hides from her. She gets groceries delivered.
I have one brother, he lives really far, she complains about him a lot and they don’t have a whole lot of contact. Occasionally I have found him a useful sounding board, but other times telling him what is going on with her has backfired on me.
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so sorry you are going thru this. I certainly empathize. Have you considered or think maybe your mother is in a depression? Depression certainly alters thinking patterns, what we do and how we relate to others. Denial can be a big part of that too. My husband has been depressed since he retired just over 10 years ago. Even though he knows he is depressed he still blames much on his physical health [which of course has declined bc of his mental health!] If it is depression, at least understanding its affects can put things into an easier perspective. It doesn't necessarily make it easier to deal with. Helplessness, isolation and not not taking care of personal hygiene [going to the dentist] are the things in your post that made me think this could be a possibility.
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2 Reactions@crabby55: I empathize with you in that your Mom seems to be “using” her hermit attitude to manipulate you. I believe she would like you to take care of her full time and give up your life to make her daily life better.
I speak as a 81 yr old Mother of 2 who is aware that some older parents are very selfish (some would say Narcissistic) individuals. You are NOT to fall into the trap as her “goffer”, unless your Mother is physically or mentally disabled, you would be doing a dis-service to her future health. She must find a reason to continue living and start taking care of herself, both physically, mentally, and socially!
Perhaps a complete physical & mental assessment would be 1st step.
This may open door to her temporary anti-depressant rx, psychotherapy sessions, 1/week house cleaner (neat/clean environment is powerful). evaluation of a good diet, some form of exercise or walking routine, some new stylish clothes, tickets to a play/dinner/church/ entertainment? You know what she used to like! Tempt her to make these necessary changes!
Now, she may be stubborn and say No - in that case find excuses to bow out of your bi-weekly visits. You have a life to live! Show her how to make a life more interesting and full of love& fun!
It would be such a shame for you to devote your future to being a manipulated, unhappy daughter. Your life is at a crossroads-roads - you decide…. You can do this!
Topaz,
I'm so sorry that your Mom is having some difficulties coping with life. It's so good that she has a kind daughter like you! I am 80 and my husband also died 2 years ago. I think I somewhat understand what your Mom is going through. All of a sudden, life is totally different. The wonderful man you loved for so many years is gone. I still have a hard time coping with that situation. I'm sure your Mom is basically grieving still. I know I am. As far as her not going to the doctors etc. she probably always went with him to those appointments. I know that my husband and I went to those appointments together. It's hard to go alone now. I'm healthy enough that my doctor said she didn't need to see me again for a year. Frankly, I was relieved.
Your Mom not driving might be for a lot of reasons. I still drive but not that often. Traffic is much worse now than when your Mom and I were young.
Also once you are in your 80's, you start to have less energy even if you take vitamins and eat healthy. I have noticed that. So you tend to be less active. I often am at home for quite a few days by myself. Plus I also have some things delivered through Amazon. I do make myself drive the car and go grocery shopping and put gas in the car about every 2 weeks. I don't have a nice daughter like you but I do have kind neighbors who help me whenever I need it.
I think your Mom and I unfortunately, discovered when our husbands died that the world is not at all like it was before. Life is not the same as it was. There aren't many people around anymore in their 80's and the younger ones don't want much to do with us; nor do they think quite like people used to in the past. So it's not familiar to us and makes us uncomfortable.
As long as your Mom isn't in a bad state of health, I would just let her do what she feels comfortable with. It's good that she wants you to take her to get the vaccinations. You keep being the wonderful daughter that you are. It's so nice that you visit her 3 times a week! Tell your Mom often how much you love her and hug her a lot. You'd be surprised how at this age we miss hugs when our husbands are gone. My neighbors hug me every so often and it's so nice!
Prayer also works. Just tell God all your concerns. He will be there for both you and your Mom. I'll say a prayer for both of you too. If you need to talk, I have plenty of time these days.
I wish you the best.
PML
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4 Reactions@crabby55 , thanks, it could be she has depression.
She has a lot of anxiety too and always has.
Thanks for your reply.
@pml , thank you for your reply. My dad had dementia in the years leading up to his death and it was really hard on my mother and she did not cope with any of it well. I had to take charge in many ways. Two years before he passed, was when they moved near me — all aspects coordinated by me.
They were married very young (she was 20 when I was born). She did rely on him for many things. But she remained angry at him for a long time after he passed.
I am sorry to hear how hard things are for you after your husband’s passing! Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate it.
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1 Reaction@dbamos1945 , thank you. Her diet is pretty good. She refuses all medical help or psychotherapy. She has something wrong with one leg and drags it. And uses a walker to get around the house. I have not been able to tempt her to leave the house in many months.
I do try to live my own life, including going out of town sometimes. Then I hire someone to check on her every other day, but she dislikes almost all of them and even the one she likes, she will tell not to come. There is only so much I can do.
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2 Reactions@topaz23: Your situation hit a nerve with me. My Mother lived her life exhibiting Narcissistic behavior, manipulating two of my young family members until she chose to die at 104. She tried to include me at every turn; however our history together spoke loudly and I refused her every command.
After reading your post I was alarmed by the similarity of your situation and wanted to save you from heartache.
If you are truly living your own life you will adhere to your emotional and physical boundaries while relating to your Mother’s care. I wish you a happy, fulfilled future.
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2 Reactions@pml, You have given the reason, I think, of what is probably why this woman is reacting as she is -Loss of her husband. She is griefing which is more than likely causing deep depression. My wife of 73 years passed this year and the only thing that keeps me going are a couple of group grief programs that I joined.
Topaz, while taking your mother for the vaccinations, attempt to convince her to agree to a one time wellness visit from a medicare supported healthcare worker. As long as she has been on Medicare for more than one year, she is entitled and the visit is completely free. Maybe have her primary care MD, or NP, contact her to convince her that he/she just wants to see her. If that works, she can schedule annual wellness visits, also completely free.
Best of luck with whatever you can do, your mother definitely needs some attention grieving all alone is not a good thing. Don't give up, you are a wonderful daughter and I'm sure she appreciates all that you are doing.
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2 ReactionsThanks— she has been on Medicare at least four years but has no PCP or NP or any doctors who know her in this area or where she used to live. Literally 30 years since she has seen a doctor. I have explained it is free, I might emphasize it could be a house call and try again.