Morbid question: I'm really afraid of finding my husband dead

We had a gut- wrenching conversation tonight that had left me adrift. My husband does not admit that he has CAA/ MCI and that he ever had a TIA. He says all the doctors are wrong. He does not acknowledge any of the findings- and I understand. It is hard, it is scary, and no one wants this.

He desperately wants to drive and says that if he cannot drive- then je just wants to die. He has no hobbies and he wants to work - but he can’t get to a job and I doubt he could even get through an interview. I am just floundering and I hurt so much for him and for us.

I was crying and he told me that I cry too much. I am crying now as I type - you are the only people who truly understand.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It is truly hard especially when your spouse denies that he has any of those problems. How long has he had CAA? And was the stroke very long ago? I was just wondering how long you have had to deal with this. I had to look up CAA because I did not know what that meant. So it is similar to dementia but different, right? He certainly does not seem to understand what is happening therefore, he doesn't understand why you are crying. Was he ordered by the doctors not to drive? It definitely would be dangerous. How old is your husband? Is he lucid enough to work?
Sorry for so many questions. Evidently by your comments, he isn't. You know him best as you spend everyday with him.
this has to be so hard for you.
Are you able to attend a caregivers support group or can't you leave him alone? I am going to attend a virtual meeting in January. I got the info from here.
So, I figured what the heck? I can do a video one and see what it is all about. Maybe you could do this, too. I hope you have friends and family around to give you support.
sharing our problems with others seems to lift the load a little bit even though they may not truly understand. My husband knows that he has copd and advanced stage 4 lung cancer. He has been miserable ever since he got his first treatment. He has his second treatment on January 2. It is a 7 hour day for him. As sick as he has been, I am surprised he is even going back. but it is horrible to listen to him moaning etc., as I hate to see someone suffer. He does have good days but they are few and far between. I quit my part time job as I can't be away from him that long as I have caught him smoking cigarettes with his oxygen on. There are many things that he does that could cause risks for him and me. He just told me that the pain pills are not working and he feels like just shooting himself. Yes, all of us caregivers are in a hard position. I am a believer and I do pray but sometimes I feel as though God is not listening, but I know in my heart that he is. Stay strong my friend. Prayers and may God bless you and your husband. It is good to vent on here. There are other people who understand and are always ready to comfort. Post anytime. I check this website everyday.

Yes I have added those groups. Thank you.

@denise96 - thank you for your reply. Today was a better day for us and I am using the Serenity Prayer - and looking at myself to have the courage to change things about myself.

CAA is associated with dementia. It’s kind of like: Dementia can encompass CAA but not all CAA is dementia.

I know you have your hands full and my heart goes out to you. Our spouses both seem to be questioning why they are still with us - yours in physical pain and mine in emotional/mental pain. I told my spouse that we do not know or understand God’s plans for us, but that we must trust Him.

I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. I will check out the online group.

Good Morning. My husband is not having a good day. He has been throwing up everything he eats. He also hasn't slept in 3 nights. I have a call into the doctor so we will see what they have to say. I thought the vomiting would be gone by now because it has been 3 weeks since his last chemo treatment. He is due for his second treatment on Thursday this week. Prayers for all of us caregivers. Have a good day.

If you could get him into Hospice care that would be great for you.
My Mom was in palliative care for 2 weeks at the end. I had to explain to my Dad that the doctor had said that just having a DNR was doing nothing but prolonging the situation, her heart was failing and her system was shutting down. The Doc. strongly recommended Hospice because if they kept her in the hospital section, she would have to have an IV and feeding tube which was just prolonging the situation.

Once I got him to understand and agree to that I found that the nurses that are there are so gentle, kind, caring, etc. They explained to me what to expect as the process went on. My Dad, though, had a tough time being in the hospital room as there was no IV, no IV feedings.

Mom was tough, she was there longer than they thought she would be and I was there at least 12 hours of every day.

The sad thing is that after Mom passed, Dad blamed me for convincing him to put her into hospice. Counseling told me that was part of his grieving process but it took about a year or so before he realized it had been for the best. Mom had suffered a stroke 8 years earlier and had been paralyzed on her right side and couldn't talk. She had been in a nursing home all that time. I thing I noticed is that if one doesn't talk to people they tend not to talk to you so in someways she was, I hate to say, ignored. Not in care, but in - oh you know what I mean.

@kartwk , did your mom have cognitive decline due to her stroke?

Well, she couldn't speak but she did understand most things. She eventually gave up even trying to speak or interact with others.

The elderly in homes, however nice, feel alone. I would always smile and say hi to the folks I saw. Such a small thing but their faces would light up and they would respond. I always believe it was that they were being acknowledged as being alive and there, not stored away.

One other thing. Before she was hospitalized, she stopped eating, refusing food. This is something people do when the time is coming. I learned that from then nurses when she was in palliative care. I wish I had known that earlier so I could have told Dad, it would have been easier on him.

It was her cardiologist that told me about what was going on was just prolonging things for her. He was very gentle and very careful on how and what he said. I looked at him and said she had been in the home paralyzed, etc. for 8 years and had suffered long enough. Many Docs don't want to say much because they never know how the family will react, religious beliefs, etc. I saw him the next morning and told him Mom was going to be transferred and thanked him. You could see how glad he was to have given the right person the right advice in his face.

I did this..in 2011 my husband was neglected by the VA (100% DVA Vietnam vet) .. they just kept putting off a biopsy..I finally had to call the Patient Advocate in Washington DC..and (we started this in June) he got a biopsy done inNovember by the Chief of Staff at the original VA where he went all the time ..instead of the one they referred him to.. by then I had him on the 'outside" for his care. the dr walked in and said" I can't cure this, he's got 2 months".. horrified, I asked if Dave could leave the room .. "NO the dr yells at me"..I said I don't want him to hear this",.. more auguring. Finally I told David "turn off your hearing aids!!" but wasn't allowed to ask questions.. when we got out to the car I started to cry.. he was all I had.. he said "don't worry I'm ready " and I vowed he's never seem me cry again..(Nov 2 to June 16) then he got on hospice..I didn't know what to do.. he made me promise not to let anyone see him..locked in the house for 21 days with him..I'm not a nurse!! Did the best I could.. hopsice did't tell me I could have a break.. and wouldn't come back to help me clean him up after he made a big mess.They said "let him lay in it"..I think that's when I fractured 3 of my ribs.. so.. eventually..the little dog got sick, Dave was just laying in that bed and it was about 1 AM on ST night and I sat there ..smoking a cigarette..and thinking..I outa shot that dog (it was howling) and shoot Dave and shoot myself..fianlly went to bed and woke up to see who was still alive. buried the dog..and four day later.. Dave looked so bad when I went to give him his meds.. (it was scary and horrible!!) I just screamed "Jesus please help my man!!" and a bright white light shown in that room .. the whitest light I've ever seen and he was gone..I held the kitchen door open as they rolled him out into the hearse.. it's not "childplay's"..it's hard!! But I will never ever forget that bright white light!! So when people are going thur this I just say .. go to God.. He loves us He knows and we are never alone.. I 'll be praying for you!!