Mom with Stage 2 dementia will not go to nursing home

@mmodirni
Do you or your brother have a healthcare and financial power of attorney for your mother? Hopefully you had all of her legal documents updated after your father died.

If you have powers of attorney, you could work with her doctors to come up with a plan to ensure she gets the care she needs. You could ask them to speak to your mother while you are present (brother in person and you by phone) about her condition and safety risks. If they can help get your mother into supervised care, that would help relieve the burden on you. Her living alone may cause her to not take her medication regularly or at the right dosage/frequency. Not taking her medication can make her symptoms worse.

I experienced this with my mother in law. She was 85 and had Alzheimer’s and insisted she did t have it, didn’t need help, wouldn’t take her medication (hid it in the couch cracks), started to wander/get lost and thought she was 24! I was afraid she would forget and leave the stove on and burn herself or burn down her apartment complex.

What country does she live in?

It’s really difficult to help provide care to a person who has cognitive decline when they are resistant. The trouble is that she likely will not be able to understand why it’s not safe for her to live alone with her memory issues. I have encountered it with a couple of my family members.

I might suggest that you or another family member visit with her for a few days in order to observe and take notes of just how well she’s functioning. And, chat with neighbors and friends to see what input they might have. Will she allow you to attend a doctor’s visit with her? With that information, I’d consult with an Elder Law attorney in her jurisdiction. They can provide you with options. Sometimes legal action is necessary to gain control over the person and make decisions about where they live. It’s a very difficult situation. Good luck with whatever you decide.

When my mother started to decline, she unfortunately had a very bad car accident. We should have taken the car away prior BUT we lived 12 hours away and saw her only 3-4 times each year due to being employed etc. Did not realize it was as bad a it was. With her accident she had a CT of head and the mild TIAs were discovered. We hired a local lovely older female to check on her everyday until we could shore things up to find an attorney and an Independent Living community near me. In the meantime we turned her gas off to the stove (important!), started cleaning out her home of 46 years, put it on the market, etc. When the family and attorney sat with her to discuss her well-being and safety, she signed HCPOA, POA, then also a new LWT (new state), she understood the need to be near since she has no car and no family nearby. It took 4 months to get this accomplished and she loved the Independent living with 3 meals and activities and minimal supervision (to watch her take meds!) but she was not a wanderer thankfully. It took a lot of calm, kind, negotiation to get her on our side. She is quite stubborn and independent. She fell 6 years later and broke her hip and femur and is now in memory Care assisted living (post surgery). Reminder that many know already that a UTI causes sudden confusion and accelerated symptoms in dementia. There are so many fears in the elderly of losing independence and change! The process is grueling and seek counsel. Her doctor helped explain to her and us what was happening in her brain.

@tjfunke1956 , you are very lucky your mother was able to accept help. That is often not the case. It sounds like your planning and intervention played out nicely. Hope your mother is recovering from her hip injury and that Memory Care goes well.

When my mother started to decline, she unfortunately had a very bad car accident. We should have taken the car away prior BUT we lived 12 hours away and saw her only 3-4 times each year due to being employed etc. Did not realize it was as bad a it was. With her accident she had a CT of head and the mild TIAs were discovered. We hired a local lovely older female to check on her everyday until we could shore things up to find an attorney and an Independent Living community near me. In the meantime we turned her gas off to the stove (important!), started cleaning out her home of 46 years, put it on the market, etc. When the family and attorney sat with her to discuss her well-being and safety, she signed HCPOA, POA, then also a new LWT (new state), she understood the need to be near since she has no car and no family nearby. It took 4 months to get this accomplished and she loved the Independent living with 3 meals and activities and minimal supervision (to watch her take meds!) but she was not a wanderer thankfully. It took a lot of calm, kind, negotiation to get her on our side. She is quite stubborn and independent. She fell 6 years later and broke her hip and femur and is now in memory Care assisted living (post surgery). Reminder that many know already that a UTI causes sudden confusion and accelerated symptoms in dementia. There are so many fears in the elderly of losing independence and change! The process is grueling and seek counsel. Her doctor helped explain to her and us what was happening in her brain.