Managing mental gymnastics

I’m glad you found this community. It’s been very helpful to me ❤️

Gratia, you need to reach out for assistance. Please, contact your County or State office on aging = they should be able to provide you sources in your community for whatever you need. If not, get in touch with the Alzheimer's Association, they have a hot line, where you can talk to professionals about your problem. Is the person you're caring for under hospice care? If so, start with them, they need to help you help the patient. And please continue to post here, there are so many with experience and are more than willing to share - as well as just provide shoulders on which to shed your problems, don't let it go without taking action to get the help you need. All the best to you and the one for whom you are caring.

Dear Fred, Thank you so much. Fortunately, I’m taking a long overdue break and I will be able to rest and reevaluate. It’s been a cumulatively difficult year. I know I need a reset and it will be best for all ❤️
I appreciate your comment and support.

I do feel the way you do! Thankfully, not all the time, but definitely there are times when I am feeling like I am the one going crazy when I am trying to navigate a situation that doesn’t make sense (and never will due to his dying brain). He behaves in ways that are hurtful if I allow myself to take what he says and does personally, so I am working hard on “detachment” (hopefully in a healthy way) to help protect my heart and my feelings from his thoughtlessness and sometimes rude comments. I have to constantly remind myself that “it’s the disease, he can’t help it”, and remember that he is my patient and I am his caregiver. He can no longer be a “husband” to me in any traditional sense, we just happen to still be married. So I cannot expect any of the interactions that we shared over the years to be the way they were. I need to make decisions that ensure the best care for both him and myself in the situation we are in. Some of those he may not like and that’s just going to have to be okay even when it’s hard. I can’t have him influencing me to do things that aren’t in line with what’s best for both of us, because he isn’t competent to make decisions or solve problems anymore. It’s NOT easy. It means that sometimes I do things for my own well being and then have to face his wrath or displeasure because he doesn’t like that I took time for me, or thinks I should have included him. No amount of explaining or rationalizing ever makes it better, so I don’t go there anymore. I just take care of things, inform him of what’s happening and try not to get pulled into his negativity if it happens. Sometimes it’s fine and he is okay with it and the next time he isn’t, so I never know what to expect. It makes me feel like I’m never sure when I might step on a hidden land mine, which is stressful but I just try to persevere!
I have a caregiver coach who checks in on me every week through the GUIDE program and that is helpful-she is a great sounding board and can help validate that I am not the crazy one and that I am doing the right thing, and offer some additional suggestions in some cases. If your loved one is eligible for the GUIDE program, I recommend exploring that option for some additional caregiver help and resources.
All the best!

I absolutely feel that way. The term mental gymnastics describes it so well. I feel like my brain is working for two people much of the time.

@dederickve
The only way you can have time for yourself is respite care, either bringing in someone from a licensed/bonded caregiver business, going through a social worker or VA if applicable, or hiring someone yourself.
This is like a prescription you need to fill for yourself, doctor's orders.
Good luck and all the best to you. 🌺

@grandmajoan
You are thinking for two and making decisions and acting on them for two; it's mentally and physically exhausting. 🫂