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Loss and Grief: How are you doing?
When my dad passed away several years ago I lost my keys 4 times in one month, I would wake up at 3 a.m. several days every week feeling startled. Sound familiar? These are reactions to grief. Grief is a very personal experience - everyone grieves differently – even in the same family because the relationship of a father is different than that of a wife or a granddaughter. Unfortunately, often we grieve alone. Sometimes we don’t want to “bother others” with our grief, and sometimes friends and family tell us that we should be over it by now. After all the person we lost was ill for a long time or was very old and “it was their time” or “they are in a better place now.” Sound familiar?
Grieving is often described as the "work of grief." It does feel like hard work doesn’t it? Grief can be difficult because of the many factors related to the loss. If the loss followed a prolonged, serious illness you undoubtedly did some “anticipatory grief work” prior to the actual death of the loved one. If the loss, however, was sudden, i.e., accident related, suicide, a result of crime, etc. the sense of grief is coupled with shock.
The relationship that you had with the loved one also affects your grief experience, i.e. was your relationship close or had it been strained? Do you feel guilt that you were not closer or do you feel guilty because you don’t feel you did enough to help while your loved one was ill?
Sometimes anger plays a part in the grief process. Did your loved one get poor medical treatment or a wrong and/or late diagnosis? Did your loved one not follow your doctor’s orders with regard to their health (diet, smoking, attention to meds or exercise)? All of these factors contribute to your experience of grief.
Also, some losses are not so evident to others. These would include a miscarriage or a stillborn. Sometimes these losses are not considered as relevant to others as the loss of a person who has lived a longer life. In the case of a miscarriage, others might not even be aware of your loss.
You may think of that person on anniversary dates (their birthday, date of their death) or you might think of them constantly. Unfortunately, sometime people say things that can multiply grief. Have you ever heard someone say, “you should be over this by now?” or “I had a similar experience and I’m OK.” Well, most likely their similar experience was not the same as yours. Thinking you should be over it might compound your grief with feelings of guilt or frustration.
Whether a recent loss, or a loss you experienced a long time ago, let’s talk about it. Whatever your experience, I'd like to hear your stories and together find a way to relocate that loved one so that we can experience peace in our lifetime.
Together let us support each other in our grief journey.
Teresa
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Thank you Teresa. I had also lost both my step mothers last year. I love them both dearly. They were always good to me. Like I said so many losses so close together. I have not looked into grief support groups. Maybe I will check into those if I get a chance. Hard to do with a 3 year old running around but she is what keeps me going and brings me so much happiness. I put all my focus on her. Talking on here is my down time when she is asleep. Thank you so much for having this board where people can just talk about their feelings without being judged. God Bless all of you.
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3 Reactions@kdawn32 @muppey
Forgiving is a real challenge. It might be over rated and surely is misunderstood. For me, I've found that it's not a one time shot.
A kind of random thought - forgiving is a virtue, but one's spiritual condition isn't gaged by where one is in the process. Forgiving doesn't make a person a better Christian. Anyone who suggests that just might be a less than exemplary Christian. My own opinion.
Jim
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2 Reactions@littleonefmohio
I invite you to keep talking!
Teresa
@kathy4385, This was funny and not mean. I love Billy and he really likes me. Hi, My brother Martin has a special needs son with autism. Billy and I became buddy's over the years and he always remembers me and likes to visit. Some don't treat him right. One day up in the other cabin my brother asked me to watch Billy for the afternoon. Sure, no problem. Billy was grown, big and sometimes could be violent but never with me. He was playing war games down in the dirt, and I was watching him from the deck. I heard some glass breaking and went down there. Billy's love is food. I asked Billy what he was doing and he said, "Sorry Uncle Mark." I then told him that it is against the law to break windows and that if the Sheriff caught him he would go to jail and only get bread and water for a long time. That caught his attention and he promised he would never break glass again.
He's about 40 now and still in the same special needs home.
I really was being nice to Billy because there is only certain ways you can reach them. You should have seen his face when he visited our home and it needed a lot of work. Billy went right to our only kitchen cabinet and there was no food there. His face fell to the ground, poor guy. It was funny but I knew what he wanted so ran to town to get his favorite for that year.
Guess we all have special needs.
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2 Reactions@littleonefmohio, This morning she told me Joe left her last October. She's pretty strong but I could tell she really needed to talk as her eyes watered a little. I'm rooting for her and Joe. He's touchy and so is Mezi, but Joe is wondering what he did as Mezi told me.
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1 Reaction@jimhd, Hi Jim, been looking for you and found you by 'looking'. Willie Nelson has a song titled "Forgiving You Was Easy". OK, but is just saying, "I forgive you!" real forgiving. I'm sure Jesus could do it easy enough. When I was working on a problem which I'd already shared with Mary sometimes I'd say, "I'm not God and not that strong. It'll come to me one day but not here yet." Then some light comes and you start the changing process, been there done that and it might take forty years but it will come. You'll be here until the process is done. The number 70 came to me a few months ago. Still wondering about that. Only shared it here and with my brother Mike. I'm 68 in July, just in time for the divorce to be complete. Fun stuff. Probably get the papers on July 9!
Sometimes on little things I'd say, "Sorry about that!" But is it really that easy to forgive some of these things? I said, "I'll work on forgiving you!" I couldn't just say, 'I forgive you!" and that's all there is to it. Doesn't it have to be from the heart? Fake forgiveness is as bad as fake love. That's what I think anyway.
Jim, give me a clue. You seem to know something here. I do know that forgiving is good for both parties, but Mary hasn't even apologized for nothing. I did apologized after I made her cry but I also said for all the grief I'd caused her. They wouldn't answer the phone so it was a message. I know Jon always has his phone and they were all listening because that's what they do, sometimes anyway. Problem was Mary sent me a nasty email. Sometimes she thinks she's being clever as the time when a man said, "Sorry mam." Mary devastated the poor guy by saying, "Don't call me mam." The poor guy just turned and said, "I don't know what to say to women anymore!" Mary did respond and apologize but dang that kind of stuff can ruin your day.
Take care!
Mark
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2 Reactions@kathy4385 "all of our 40 yrs of marriage," That's a long time! I can see why you're so lonely. I think it was panc2011? who said, something pertinent but I just lost it. Brain freeze. Oh well it was good anyway. Probably need more sleep.
Kathy, I'm happy for you that you spent forty years with your husband, and very sorry you lost him. "dying of a broken heart." I don't think many people really believe there is any such thing. The doctors went nuts at the hospital when they asked where it hurts and I covered my heart and this goofy pain along my lower spine which seemed to be connected to my eyelids as when I'd close them I'd get a shock. Lasted over 48 hours before I realized I should ask for help. One lady doctor waved her hand at me in dismissal, when I told her what's up, she got up and left the room. Oh really now! Kathy, your heart ache is real. People here know that pain is real so keep on talking about it. I know it helps. I don't understand why doctors don't understand this heart ache pain because it is real.
Getting long again but I looked this up a while ago..."The most common signs and symptoms of broken heart syndrome are angina (chest pain) and shortness of breath." American Heart Association. At least someone in the medical field knows. Google this if you're interested or just click here or copy and past... http://www.heart.org/.../More/.../Is-Broken-Heart-Syndrome-Real_UCM_448547_Article.jsp
I really don't know how long my parents were together but I was young when their friend's threw a big party for them at our house for their 25th anniversary. They were on honey moon in Hawaii on December 7, 1941, they had a beach house and Dad was an Army Captain. They were on the beach when Mom said, Jack I think those planes are shooting at each other. Dad saw the Japanese Zero on the wings and told Mom, "I better get back to base." Dad had a thirteen man company of infantry and was responsible for several miles of beach front. They had old rifles and one .30 caliber machine gun. The Japs could have taken the Island with no problem. It was the island of Oahu, Pearl Harbor and all that.
Don't know why I go on like this but it has to do with Mom. When she got Alzheimer's she'd often talk about Pearl Harbor. Dad died some years before Mom. She'd say, "I remember Pearl Harbor and Dad had to go to the base..." Schofield Barracks.
Sorry I forgot what panc said but maybe it'll come again. Maybe I'll copy panc2011, (I'm sure) anyway she said she was praying for me. I think it's ok to copy people, so I'll do that for you.
Take care!
Mark
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2 ReactionsAww. I hate that for her. Yes people and family tell me I am strong too but honesty its just a front I put on. So it is good she has you to talk too.
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3 ReactionsMark,
You are right on target. No I don't think any of us want to mad forever. It does seem like just when your 99% over something and not mad anymore this issue gets repeated. People don't change do they.
Thanks for you thoughts.~Kim
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1 Reaction@jimh Thank you for your words. I had not thought of why this ordering people to forgive makes me so crazy. I think you hit on it. It is a judgment by other. "You aren't a real Christian if you don't do what I say". I don't know of many people other than Jesus who could just in a second forgive another human. It comes in stages a piece at a time. If a person forgives you it does little for you. It does for them. So I would benefit from the forgiveness. I actually have forgiven but forgiveness doesn't mean you lay down and be a door mat. If someone is abuse. Yes forgive them, but don't stay there and continue to allow them to abuse you. Allowing the abuse to continue is not forgiveness. Unfortunately a lot of people think that forgiveness means to allow the person who hurt you to keep doing it. Forgiveness is letting go of the hurt in your heart. Bodies heal much faster than our emotional hearts.
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2 Reactions