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It will take an act of God agein

Posted by Anonymous-228a3553 in Mental Health, Aug 18, 2011

Im a loving compassionate woman. I have 40 yrs of PTST. Every kind of abuse. I have attemped suicide so many times starting at age 16. Now Im 58. I have lost my Husband an two older girls and grandkids. I got divorced 10 yrs ago. I have never been the same. My ex still keeps in touch,but my 23yr old and 28 yr old daughters just dont bother with me. I have gone out of my way all these years to be close but the pain of the divorce is like a death that separated us. I am again at the point of no desire to live. I have been on every kind of medicine, and in and out of hospitals for years. The Doctors are tired of me and I cant blame them.I have been in counceling from age 18 till now 58yrs old. I have borderline,bipolar,PTSD,ADD,memory loss,many serious health problems. I have no one in my life.No friends.My relatives live out of state and are in there own worlds.So really whats the purpose. To live just to wake up? everyone deserves to be loved and to love. Even a Dog . I hate my brain and my life. even when I would be doing good and what seemed to be happy hasnt changed anything. My daughter and grandson live 4 miles away and I never hear from her. I get 660.00 from SSI and my rent is 550.00. I need major surgery in my eye so I dont go blind. I can hardly walk or take care of my home because Im in severe cronic pain. I just went to the doctor and he said my pain and issues are comming from me. I have exrays and pror tests of degenerative joints. in spine.Fibromyalgia.Osteoporsis. Rumatoid arthritis.A rare Glaucoma. I do not have enough money to have enough food or meet basic human needs. At times I feel gratefull, and when things get to much and I run out of resourses, Im back to square one.ground zero again. Im on disability now. I used to have a great carreer and loving family. I know theres people far worse off. But I was told not to compare. It is what it is. Its past the getting old stage. So Im making a plan. There is and never will be a reason to keep on suffering.and to be a burden and a dark shadow lingering for those I love.

Tags: mental health


Posted by @hopefulone, Aug 21, 2011

Dear One,

I have never been on this site before, I rarely surf the internet and I never click on pop-up ads (which is how I came to this site and found your message.) So maybe it was an act of God prompting me to find and respond to you. I am so sorry to hear of your many losses, and the pain you are experiencing. I thank you for sharing and expressing this suffering so well; my mother-in-law is experiencing many of the same losses and you have helped me to understand her feelings. Dear lady, I hope that you never give in to the temptation to end your life, despite the challenges and hardships you are facing.

It seems to me that you expressed in the beginning of your message, the very thing that could be your lifeline. It sounds like you are really a giving person, and right now you aren't able to give to people in the way you had been used to doing. A wise spiritual director once told me, when I was suffering deeply and tempted to despair, that I should find someone who suffers like I do, and give to them. Maybe that is your "act of God'; maybe that's what you are being called to do. You mentioned that at times you feel grateful - that is inspiring! It is in our weakness that we are strong, because our compassion and love can help us to give in a way that is greater than what we could otherwise have done.

I think you have a lot to give, you just need to find a way. I'm not a counselor or medical person, just another soul who has suffered with PTSD and other losses in life, and discovered that there is a gift even in that.

I will pray for you, and ask all of my friends to pray for you as well, that you will gain strength, hope, and health each day...that you will receive your "act of God" and that the God who loves you so dearly will send you the right person(s) to help to relieve your suffering and help you to find hope and purpose again.

Please don't give up, dear lady. Even though I don't know you personally, I do know that you have an important part to play in this world, and that your love and compassion has and will continue to touch souls. You have touched mine.



cja and Kidnurse1963 like this

Posted by @tkv, Aug 22, 2011

I too have had a few heavy life blows, and each one felt like death would be less painful, and it hurts, your entire soul, and very hard to go on. But I know God will never give us more than we can handle. I will pray for you along with Kathy and if you will also pray for each of us to be touched by his spirt I know he will.


Posted by @livedriftwood, Aug 24, 2011

i have read your reply and want to thank you for being so kind, my diagnosis is borderline p.d. biporlar, adhd, 40 yrs to yoday of PTSD, agorifobia, fear of people but most people doint see i try to hide my issues so i want to try to fit in


Posted by @kidnurse1963, Aug 24, 2011

Hi, I am so glad that you felt you could share your life with us here on the discussion board. I cannot say I understand all of your worries but I can empathize with your pain. I will keep you in my prayers. Keep posting on here. I just joined today and have found some solace in the fact that I am not alone either.
Take care, Terri


Posted by @cja, Aug 28, 2011

Please remember - suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Also, from my own experience I can tell you surely the best medicine is getting out of yourself and giving / doing for others.


Posted by @gloey, Aug 28, 2011

I too just joined this minute and ended up directly to you. I believe everything happens for a reason and the people here that have replied to you are right. This too shall pass. I know that sounds so simple but it's true. Along with what the other person said about suicide being a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Man, I don't know how many times I told myself that one. It's really is true. Don't forget it.

I am supposed to be dead now according to my specialists and many doctors I have seen. I am waiting for a double lung transplant but, get this, I am too healthy for one now! That could change at any time but for now, I am counting my blessings. You know what I started doing and it has changed my life? I found some people that needed a little help and told them if I could help them to call me. The two ladies live in my building and the one is on my floor. We met through a fire alarm and she was sitting in her wheel chair in her doorway not knowing what to do and I told her I would stay with her and we would get out together. I have a walker she has a wheel chair. She had cancer of the tongue and also a very bad stroke that has left her left arm not working and she is quite immobile. That was almost a year ago and since then we have become good friends and she counts on me for certain things she needs and I have taught her to indoor garden. She loves her plants and looking after them gives her a great hobby she wouldn't have had, if she hadn't met me. I help her with them all the time as she only has the one good arm but it is so gratifying to me because I am giving back. A lot of her workers have told me how much she has improved since meeting me.

I am blessed to still be here and believe me...until a year ago I was in bed 24/7 and would pray for God to just please please take me. I have so much wrong with me (have only told you one thing) but I am blessed to be able to do for someone who can't do for themselves. She also gets meals on wheels so sometimes I surprise her with a nice roast with all the fixin's and you would think I just gave her a great Christmas present. I know it sounds too simple and not very attractive right now but just go on faith and try to find someone who needs you. The satisfaction that you will receive will help you in ways you never believed it could. I could go on and on about the benefits we have both received but I think you get the picture.

I am sure you are not motivated at this time because you feel so low that you want someone to come and pull you out of this terrible situation and suicidal feelings you have now. I know. You feel like I just can't see how I can do this when I feel sooooo week. It just feels like it is too undoable. Say a prayer and so will we to help you do this. Keep praying, I know He listens. He finally listened to me once I got sincere and prayed from my heart and desperation because I had no where else to turn. Do it...I swear He will answer you. Good Luck and God bless you, Stay alive, you are loved and needed even if you don't realize it right now, success is just around the corner!


Posted by @foreverhislove, Sep 5, 2011

My heart goes out to you. Please know that I cry now because of the thought of another person taking their own life. My reason for being on here is to find answers as to how to go on after someone you love commits suicide. In 2006 my brother in law shot himself in front of my husband and son and they both suffered from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, anxiety, depression, anger, nightmares and flashbacks. October 6th of last year my husband ended his life the same way and my son saw him in our vehicle. I can't imagine the hell my son goes through every day, he is 25. My husband had herniated disks in his back, depression, anxiety, diabetes, was having trouble with his vision due to the diabetes. My son has herniated disks in his back, suffers from anxiety, depression PTSD, anger and now he too talks about suicide because he is unable to cope with the suicides of his uncle and father and his pain he goes through. My husband always said all things happen for a reason, but for suicide there are too many questions left behind. Too much pain for the so called survivors. I too receive SSI. I have herniated disks as a result of a car accident, have suffered from depression since I was 14 and they found my best friend hanging in a tree - he committed suicide, besides being obese, I have bad knees, arthritis, anxiety, high blood pressure, the onset of glaucoma and the onset of diabetes and a pituitary tumor. I believe in God, I believe in miracles, and I know suicide is not the answer to anything. God put us here for a reason we just need to figure out what the reason is. Maybe it's to help each other or to help others. Hang in there and know you are cared about even by total strangers.

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