Ima bad person, I don’t know who I am

Hi good to know that you are in a better frame of mind but I think but maybe completely wrong you aught to talk to a professional you may be suffering from depression occasionally overspending and mood swings are indicative of it I wish you the best and it’s good to know that you are feeling better stay blessed

in reply to @birdielox Can I go with you?

After my school break I will talk to my mom about how I feel. I could do it now it’s just I’m weirdly tired and loss of interest in things and it’s kinda making me sad. So ima try a rest this break.

Yes we will have lots of fun!

in reply to @birdielox You know, I often wish I could wake up in another country. Perhaps Belize

As you do so well, you've identified key ingredients to a centered life - the art, the essential, instrumental mentors and guides you have had, in spite of the odds.

Thank you once again for sharing this - it is hopeful, even for those of us of a similar age (just turned 67!) that struggled along in silence, dismissed, unheard, unseen and under-the-thumb of the world (at the time).

If not for a key discussion with my maternal grandmother one time in my college years, who listened to me, "saw" me, and knew the players, I would likely not be here now. And that was only one person, but one who cared about me...and she is no longer with us, these 40+ years now.

Had one psychiatrist that was my "witness" for the better part of 20 years, but I still wonder sometimes if she ever really "saw" me, as I never felt things changed for the better, or that I could ever address - with the family members - the harm and dis-ease that characterized nearly every interaction.

My mother is still here, thank goodness of sound mind, and more or less functioning body, but I would never introduce any discussion of these injuries at this point in her life. All was denied / dismissed / minimized / ignored (probably denied by her for her survival - and, probably in her mind, for our own (2 sister's) survival). But it was, and still is, SO harmful to grow up with no external validation of my observations or life experience - just like any of us would naturally expect in a healthy (home or its substitute) environment.

Ah well, ...Onward to preparing presents and gifts for these remaining loved ones, and always, always, thinking there will one day be a sense of resolution, with a chance (somehow, I still don't know how) to move beyond a lifetime of dismissal to a much more authentic sense of self.

Warm wishes to all here.

Kinda a random thing but for the past week or two I feel like a non “real” person is following me. I think it’s an evil spirit, like death. I can feel them watching me, waiting to attack. And sometimes I hear them calling my full name. Now I know it’s not a real person so I don’t know if this is normal. through out the day at times it is worse but right now I seem okay. I just want to know if I’m over reacting and this is normal or if it’s not and I need some advice.

Are you on any new medication? Many medications have strange side-effects.

Nope no new anything.

@birdielox I know this seems to fly in the face of reason. Perhaps the next time you hear/feel this, out loud ask this entity is there something they want to tell you. Say, "I'm listening. Are you using my full name so I will "hear" you? What do you want to tell me?"

This may be a way to address what you are experiencing. There may be a deep part of you asking to be recognized. Afterall, it seems that you are doing some real hard work on yourself right now, and coming to grips with some heavy things.

How does this resonate with you? Do you think this is doable?
Ginger