Ima bad person, I don’t know who I am

in response to @pkh3381 My teenage years were one of the worst periods of my life, which makes me more sensitive to other young people who may be struggling with many different things all at once. If I could help just one person then I feel happy, because when I was 15 I had a heck of a time dealing with two parents who were never equipped to raise children, and as a result my sisters and I lived a life akin to "walking on broken glass." I often think back on those years, and think to myself, "what were they thinking?" I love kids, I have two nieces and two nephews, none of which I have been "allowed" to have a relationship with because they all think I am some kind of "freak" because of my lifestyle choices. But here's the thing, while my parents thought I could be "fixed" the plan backfired because my therapist at the time had a daughter who was just like me, and she was very instrumental in leading me to believe that I was okay just the way I was, even if I had to hide this from my parents until I was finished with college. I wanted to go to college and I wanted them to pay for it, so I played into their game. It was not easy by any stretch of imagination, but I did it and I am still here to tell you about it. More good fodder for my book.

frances007.......as I said, very insightful. I, too, had a dreadful childhood. My father was a sober alcoholic, but a dry drunk, and that was a very tough thing to live with. I understand the "walking on glass", trust me. I loved my parents very much, but they were so absorbed with their own relationship troubles, and dragging me into it, they got me to a breaking point and I left home for a time at about 15 to live with my girlfriend and her family. It seemed to really shake them up, and I hoped that maybe it woke them up, but after a short time back home, everything went back to the same. On the positive side, I have often wondered if I ever would have become the empathetic and understanding person I am without the experiences of my childhood, which are many more that I have revealed here. And, when I was a young adult, with a child and a husband who actually died when he was 28, me just 23, and my daughter just 15 mos, they really had my back [and my husband's], and I don't know what I would have done without them. At their fiftieth anniversary, I told them that their being there for me and my daughter after my husband's death, seeing my parents as grandparents to my daughter, wiped the slate clean for me, and the past dysfunction in our family didn't really matter anymore. They showed me that they actually got their "s" together and showed me that they were good parents in the grandparenting they did with my granddaughter. Does that make sense? They really did make up for all the negatives in my life growing up by supporting me, and being my cheerleader, when I was in a terrible crisis situation. So, I think there is good and bad in many people's childhoods, and part of the experiences can give you a wisdom and understanding you may have never had if not for even the bad. I think you will get what I am saying here because I think you, too, are a very wise person.
P

in reply to @pkh3381 Thank you. I have been thinking about your post for the last hour, and found myself laying down with an ice pack, thinking about my parents and began feeling a bit tearful because your comment resonated with me. As a side bar, my sister just left having stopped by to pick up some baked goods I made for her, and also to drop off a gift for me. This time of year is especially difficult for her and I because our father died the day after Christmas many years ago, and she and I were with my mother when he passed. Even though this happened many years ago, sometimes it feels like he is dying all over again during the month of December.
I never particularly "loved" my parents while they were alive, and for good reason. However, it was not until my mother died at age 72 about twenty years ago, that I began to look more deeply into her life and began to understand why she was so miserable, and why she took her misery out on me. I even began to appreciate those "gifts" she gave to me such as a "green thumb" or a love for all things art and literature. I often say to my sister, "Mother would really love my garden and the way I have set up my apartment, or this book I am reading."
A therapist who met my mother one time during a counseling session years ago, took me aside later and said to me: "Your mother does not want you to be any happier than she is. Your mother is mentally ill." I remember feeling such relief upon hearing this because it was in a sense some kind of validation, if you will. Much later, I took great care of her when she was dying, as did my two sisters, however, I was given the most difficult task of her caregiving while she was in hospice, and that was administering her various medications anally when she got to the point where she was unable to swallow the medication. My mother died 6 weeks after being diagnosed with brain cancer, which was actually breast cancer that had come back and invaded her entire body, She had experienced 2 bouts of breast cancer, had a double mastectomy, and always feared that the cancer would return, and boy did it.
In any event, after she died I began to miss her and felt like an orphan even though we had never been close. She used to remind me that after I was born she went into terrible postpartum depression and that I was essentially passed around to all the women in our neighborhood, which probably explains why we never formed any kind of meaningful bond.
Knowing what I know now about my mother, her own childhood and marriage to a man that was not especially kind to her, I wish I had had the opportunity to "love" my mother as my sister's kids love her. After learning about some of the "family secrets" after she died, it dawned on me just how strong of a person she really must have been to have endured what she did being married to someone like my father. I felt sorry for her. Having said this, my mother did give me some great gifts, and while we never had any kind of meaningful relationship, I know that I am strong today because she was a very strong and independent woman herself. Troubled, but very strong and very smart. It is because of my mother that I actually have learned to like myself as I do today. Had I not experienced what I had growing up, I am not sure I would still be here today to tell this story. Interestingly enough, it was not until I became "sick" that I actually started to like myself and think that I am a pretty terrific person who many like. Of course my life has changed so drastically, and I have lost many "friends" on my journey to better health, but in some weird way I think that the strength my mother had was in some way passed on to me, if that makes sense. It may have taken me a lifetime to get to this point where I feel quite swell about who I am, what I can do and what I am unwilling to put up with, but I got here; and while my childhood memories are akin to a bad movie, they shaped me into the person I am today. I know many people who have had horrible childhoods, but still cling to those memories and blame their childhoods for this and that. I have overcome so much and believe that if not for my childhood, I would probably be some meek, miserable, self absorbed person unable to have compassion or a sense of humanity as I do now. So yes, we learn from our past, whether it be "good" or not. As a teenager I found others to fill the shoes of my mother, and developed some very close bonds with the parents of my friends, and this too helped me become less resentful of my past.
I think at some point a person has to look back and then let go, and that is what I have done.
Recently, my sister brought over a bag of photographs that my other sister had put aside for me. I call her the "non sister" because she has not spoken to me in 5 years, and has no intention of ever "mending fences" with me. Upon opening the bag of photographs, I was taken aback because they were all pictures of myself, no pictures of my parents. Upon asking my sister why I could not have a photograph of my parents, she said that my other sister was unwilling to part with any pictures she may have of my parents. Go figure. Maybe it is best I do not have a photo, but rather the good memories of my mother that I continue to cherish each day, especially during the month of December. Oh god, on that fateful day when my father died, my other sister had actually gone out shopping because she had to get out of the house. So, there I was alone with my mother when my dad "left." I remember my sister coming home, getting hysterical until I finally told her, "Don't you remember how much our dad liked to shop after Christmas? You were doing exactly what he wanted you to do and for a good reason." LOL.

Your comment to me today feels like a huge present. I cannot explain it any better. And guess what, the huge headache I had before my sister came over is now gone because your words : 1) helped me release some of this emotional pain I had about the holidays; and 2) caused me to think a lot more about my mother and the way she influenced my life in many positive ways, which is what I choose to remember about her now, photo or no photo. I know my mother loved me in the best way that she was able to do so, and that is enough for me now.

Thank you so much for reading this.

To frances007, thank you so much for your message. I really appreciate you sharing and I am so glad I could help you in some small way. You know, it makes me think of something I put in my Christmas card note. I said that because of so many horrible things happening in this world today that it is critically important for us to spread kindness and caring, to "pay it forward", and that is exactly what you have done with me. I, too, have a difficult time at Christmas and was feeling a little down, but after reading your message, and how positively it ended, I feel that you "paid it forward to me", and now I feel better! So, thank you for that, Frances. I hope you will be sharing the Holiday with people you care about. If not, just think positive and have the Merriest Christmas you can possibly have. Thank you.
❤️P

Thank you! I’ve started writing in a journal and spending time with family! Merry Christmas too! Also you don’t really think I have bipolar

You are fifteen years old! You are not ruining anyone's life. You are suffering. I am not qualified to say with what. Maybe your just a teenager dealing with our modern world. I do know what it is to suffer, at six I had a breakdown. At sixteen I was in a relationship with my guidance counselor who was twice my age.

I blamed myself, even at six. Unfortunately the people around me who should have known better blamed me as well. To them I have been defective my whole life. You are not defective! Something is broken right now. In my opinion you need to find out what that is so that you can get to work on it and find some peace in your life.

Tell your parents you do not know why you act that way you do and you need help. Find someone to talk to that can help you figure out what's up. If your parents won't help you maybe your schools nurse. If that doesn't work talk to someone at a local mental health facility.

You are so young. You have a chance to correct course before it gets worse. Check out my posts; it can get a lot worse. I wish I had reached out for help when I was your age it might have saved me a lifetime of suffering and hurting others. You've taken the first step posting here. Don't stop!

It won't be easy. Most people don't care much about how you feel only how you behave. But how we feel dictates how we behave.

Tell your parents what you have just posted. That's a good place to start.

Stick around here. Lots of good people.

I remember this...when I was 14 I did a terrible thing that I thought would kill my mother if she ever found out, I revealed a secret she'd confided in me and spent about 2 years hiding, hating myself, being mean when everyone was stull thinking I was sweet, I felt evil. I decided evil was a good thing, I studied it...I didn't skip school, but used it: -- have you ever read Moby Dick by Melville? I read the unabridged version out loud to myself alone in my room, took ages, when I was 14. No one knew what I was doing or why. (Everyone else was skimming the abridged version.) But I was slowly reading aloud to myself the story of a man obsessed with killing a whale in the 1880s. Lots of people killed whales back then but this whale was white and the Captain, called Ahab, was obsessed with this whale. I loved that whale. But I sympathized with the captain. My teacher said things like the whale represented this or that, I don't remember, just that reading out loud helped me somehow get through the fear and loneliness. Find a book, this same book maybe, and try that. Maybe it will help a bit.

You are still yourself no matter what you do, your actions are you, whatever they may be, even though you hate yourself for them.

I loved my mother very much and miss her SO SO much but once I pushed her. Lost my temper and actually pushed her. She was shocked. That wasn't me.
(She was okay, thank goodness, physically.) (And it WAS me. )

Definitely keep us up to date about what you're doing and how you're feeling. What's that thing for a hug? I hated being touched back then, sometimes still do but feel like you need some kind of hug.

in reply to @birdielox Okay girlfriend. I have been thinking about you for the past few days, as your posts resonated with me. I may be 62, but I am not some "old lady" but I am a "bag of bones" and I do have quite a life experience. I have not forgotten how awful my teenage years were for me, and how they shaped me to become the terrific person I think I am today. It took a lot of hard work to get to this place, but I got here and I want to tell you a thing or two, not chastising, but some things for you to think about, considering that you are "the future" generation, the generation responsible for getting this country back on track and also ensuring that more women have voices in our government and things of that nature. You can do this. You are strong and smart, and you should give yourself more credit.
I was watching Norah O'donnell tonight, yes, the anchorwoman on CBS. She is not only drop dead gorgeous, but she is also a very kind and compassionate individual, who I think is a superstar. Tonight she interviewed a 21 year old woman who joined the Marines to prove something to herself, and it was such an inspirational story, that I highly recommend that you try to find tonight's news hour. Maybe on YouTube. This young woman plans to be the first female Marine to compete in the next Winter Olympics in bobsledding, which so far is unheard of. As I was watching the segment, I thought about you. Why? Well, if there is one mistake I made in my life, and something I always wanted to do, but could not because of my stupid hearing problem, is join the military, and here is why. You don't have to commit to a lifetime of service in order for the military to pay your college tuition, if money is an issue. One only has to serve 4 years and after that you can decide whether to re-enlist or not. Think about it. Not only would you be a superstar, you would have your college tuition paid for because of your service. You would be a real hero. Perhaps you may be thinking, "what the "f" is this person telling me?" I am telling you this because I do not want you to make the same mistakes I made as I travelled through life as a free spirit, thinking I would live forever. As one gets older, they often begin to think about certain decisions they made on this road of life, and how things "might" have been different had they chosen a different path. I am not saying that I regret my entire life, because up until now I am fairly satisfied with the way I turned out, the things I do for others and things of that nature. I am an old soul and I know many things that one day you too will know. However satisfying my life is today, I do have regrets, just as well all do, And while we cannot turn back the clocks of time, there is always (at least for me) a feeling that I missed out on something, and I don't want this to happen to you. You are brave and smart, you can do anything you want as long as you have the right mindset to do so. In any event, the young woman interviewed this evening said she wanted to be an inspiration to all young women, thus this message to you. Even if you think joining the military is garbage, that is fine, at least try to find the segment from tonight, because even I as a 62 year old, found her to be exceptionally inspirational, and perhaps you will too. By the way, the female marine looked like a fashion model.

in reply to @pkh3381 Thank you. Your note means so much to me, that I wish I could hug you as opposed to virtually. Just so you know, I spend most evenings staying up late to work on these cards I make with dried and pressed flowers, and while I am doing so, I am always listening to music with my headphones. Tonight a song played, "The Long and Winding Road" and upon hearing that song, I was taken back to the Christmas day before my father died, as I had been playing this song on the stereo while at my mother's house making dinner for myself, my sister, and my partner and her daughter. I felt as though I had been taken back something like 30 years and could recall every minute detail of that day, right down to the food I cooked, the way I prepared it etc. I can even remember my mother screaming at me as I removed the phone from her hand when my cousin in Vancouver called my dad to wish him a Merry Christmas. Naturally, I began crying when I heard the song, and sent an email to my sister telling her that sometimes my memory is my worst enemy. I have been told I have a photographic memory, and while I am not sure if this is true, sometimes my memory scares me.
Yes, we "pay if forward" sometimes everyday. That's how I live my life because it gives me such joy. Last week I saw one of my doctors for the last time and brought with me about 30 or 40 of my cards, all individually wrapped in packages of 5 cards, to give to her staff, people I do not even know. Giving gives me such pleasure. But here's the best part, giving away those cards has provided me with a jumpstart on some new and incredible designs I never thought possible.

I do not think the month of December will ever be the same for me, but I have bought my friend so many cute gifts on TEMU that I can't wait for her to open them. She may be demented, but she still gets excited about Christmas, and I am going to make sure she has the best Christmas ever!

You are awesome. Happy holidays and thank you for helping me as you did,

in reply to @birdielox I forgot to attach the picture for you