Ima bad person, I don’t know who I am

A smile is a little curve that sets everything straight.
-phyliss diller

To birdielox @birdielox, I don't mean this cruelly, but you say you "don't want to try to change", and then you ask "if there is anything you can do so as not to ruin others lives". I am a little perplexed, but you sound so miserable that I cannot resist trying to help in some way. First of all, you are 15. I am 77 and I can still remember being 15, and it is HARD! Your emotions can be all over the place. I would never tell you to go on anti-depressants because one minute you might need them, but the next minute they may be overkill because your emotions can change that quickly. What I would suggest is finding a teenage support group or talk line where you can share your feelings with others your own age who I think will make you feel much more "normal" than you feel you are. Secondly, trust me, your family and friends will "survive you" because they understand more than you think they do. Don't think I am playing down how you feel because I definitely am not. It is scary to feel so out of control with your emotions and your life. I think sharing that here is a big step, but I think sharing that with a targeted group of teens your age would be a bigger help. Please don't beat yourself up. Get some help to find out you truly are not as bad as you feel you are. You are just going through teens and that can truly be so hard. I will hold you in my heart and thoughts.
❤️P

@birdielox welcome to Mayo Clinic Connect. The first step in solving a problem is identifying that there is a problem in the first place. You are brave to say “ I’m a bad person and I don’t want to try to change”. But I think maybe you do or you wouldn’t be asking at the end of your post if there’s anything you can do….. You also show a sign of maturity acknowledging that what you are going through is probably what every other teen goes through. You are also correct in that idea. It takes time to become the person who you are meant to be. There will be rough patches along the way. Guess what? You never fully arrive even after you become a “grown up”. There will always be opportunities for growth and improvement in one way or another. I am going on 67 years old (I could be your grandmother). I believe there’s still hope for a better me. I would be remiss if I didn’t mention that I’m a Christian believer. I believe that we are ALL BAD people. BUT God loved us enough to give us Jesus to save us. Take this to heart and have a merry Christmas and a happy New Year.
PS some of the characteristics you described can be evidence of a mental health problem such as bipolar. If they persist or become unmanageable please seek professional help. In the mean time consider peer support groups that have common interests (clubs, sports, music, arts …..etc.) and your school counselor.

in reply to @birdielox Well, I can sure remember when I was 15, and admittedly did quite a bit of acting because of a "situation" at home. I was fortunate to have a wonderful high school counselor who took me under her wing and offered me a great amount of guidance, that still helps me today. Does your school have any counselors you might be able to reach out to? Teenage years are downright awful, at least mine were. However, I was able to overcome many of the issues you describe as a result of talking to someone about them who had the skill set to help me. This is not to say that my behavior changed overnight, but she sure gave me a road map to follow, and it was quite helpful.
I am so sorry that you identify yourself as a "bad" person. Can you try reframing your sense of self? No one is perfect, and we have no control over anyone among us, even if we try to control them. Look at yourself. You were strong enough to reach out, and this is very telling in itself. Maybe a trip to your doctor would be helpful to find out if medication is something that would help you, but I highly encourage you to find a counselor so that you can freely express yourself and grow through this experience. Teenage years are the most formidable, in my opinion. But guess what, there is hope and you have your whole life ahead of you. Go for it! There are a lot of exciting things going on in our world for young people such as yourself. Afterall, you are the future generation and the opportunities for those like you are endless.

Dear Teenager: Keep learning. Be curious. Be honest. Work hard. Have fun. Stop listening to naysayers. Keep good friends. Repeat.

in reply to @birdielox
If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you.

To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone, and a funny bone.

Don’t change so people will like you. Be yourself, and the right people will love the real you.

Dear haters, I couldn’t help but notice that ‘awesome’ ends with ‘me’ and ‘ugly’ starts with ‘u’.

in reply to @birdielox You go girl! Your post made my day! I could write an entire book just about my teenage years and how my parents dealt with the lone rebel. I am the youngest daughter of three kids my parents had, my sisters are 8 and 10 years older than I am. Suffice to say that I was the "surprise." I loved school, and like you I was also very smart, perhaps too smart, because I was easily bored with my classes. Learning was easy for me. In high school my art teacher took me under his wing as he recognized my talent, and he became my mentor and favorite professor. If you have an artistic interest or outlet, I would encourage you to pursue it, as "art" can be an antidepressant all by itself. When I am doing my art it almost feels like I am in a cave, and I do not want to come out. When I do come out of my cave, I stagger to bed in the middle of the night. Find a good friend so that you will be "witnessed". A close friend is important to someone your age, and I was fortunate to have a best friend whose mother became my surrogate mom for many years.
I understand the money spent, as I did the same thing, regrettably. Hang onto it, as you might need it later if you ever want to go further in life, like to college like I did. Make a list of your dreams, I still do this. I just bought a sketch book and every day I draw one thing, anything. It does not have to be perfect. I started painting a mural on my wall and wrote the following, "Her whole life changed the day she began talking about the things that made her happy." Maybe you could write this down on a piece of paper, or even your bedroom wall.
I may be 62, but I am still a kid at heart sometimes, and I think you are a terrific person just for the mere fact that you found this website and posted something. That takes a lot of courage and I applaud you.

Thank you so much for all the kind words! Yes I really like to draw birds , mainly macaws 🦜.I want to go to Brazil and that’s what keeps me going.

in reply to @birdelox Great! Make a picture of a bird in Brazil and make that your dream. As I mentioned, any kind of art form, project, etc is a fantastic way to calm your thoughts and get into that "dream place." I just stepped out of my "cave", saw this and thought I would respond before I try to get some dream sleep. Keep up the good work, You will survive being a teenager. Your brain sometimes has a hard time keeping up with all the changes going on in your body. At least this is what my neurologist told me when I lost a ton of weight, unintentionally.

To @frances007, I think this response is absolutely teriffic! And, it dawns on me that it seems that I like many of your responses. Very insightful and helpful, and I appreciate and enjoy your responses.
P