@papersoup thanks for sharing your very real feelings with us. That sounds so hard. Unfortunately many of us have been there, and it’s not easy. I’d encourage you to remember that nothing is forever. Try to make it through just one day, one hour, one minute. Is there just one thing you can do today where you can feel 1% less bad? Like is there a coffee shop you could sit in and enjoy the smell while you had a nice warm cup? Maybe you could buy a small plant and enjoy watching it grow? Do you have a new episode of a favorite show where you could get cozy with a bowl of popcorn? It sounds a little silly, but the more you can turn away from harming yourself, towards caring for yourself, the more the misery will fade.
If you haven’t already communicated the depth of your suffering to your docs, I would encourage you to do so as early as you can. There are non-medication treatments too; different types of therapy, TMS, or newer types of meds like ketamine.
Please do not give up hope. You can get through this.