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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 626
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

~ I thought the healing was complete, but I guess not ...~

Posted by @amberpep, Nov 21, 2017

I thought the healing I had, due to being married to a narcissist for over 40 years, was complete. Guess not. Last night I had a dream that I was at a gym, and he was there too with several other people, and I, for some unknown reason was determined to show off my athletic skills in the form of gymnastics. Now, I’ve never been athletic, with the exception of competing in free style roller skating when I was in my teens …. otherwise, NADA. So, I kept trying and trying and trying, to stand on my head (something else I can’t do), to impress him. (?) Everything I tried to do led to failure and, while I knew he was watching me out of the corer of his eye, I also knew he was mocking my foolish attempts. Again, I felt like a real loser …. an embarrassment, a disgrace to everyone. It cut through to my very soul and heart as if it were yesterday. When I woke up this morning, I felt the same way, hearing the words roll through my head of “loser, jerk, stupid, and “what an ass.” I thought I was over all this, but I guess not ….. it’s as if it came out of nowhere. It’s very upsetting, and at any moment today I can cry, for seemingly no reason. To add to all this, 2 years ago I made a very difficult move from MD to western VA. My girls had been hounding me for years to move down closer to them. I was very happy in MD – it was my “nest.” But, finally I relented and moved down …. what a mistake. Yes, my girls could not be more caring and attentive, but my X also lives 20 miles away and Thanksgiving is always at his house. If I had not sold my condo in MD, I would move back, although I know it would upset my girls.
So, that’s my piece meal story ….. it’s a very sad day for me …… almost reliving that whole horrible time with the N.
Thanks for listening.
abby

REPLY

Sure does Teresa, and I have my therapist to thank for that. I remember when I first started to see him, about 10 years ago ….. oh, I was just so good … dressed perfectly, sat straight, said all the “right” things a Christian wife and mother should say, blah, blah, blah. After I was done, he looked at me and said, “I see “good Suzy” sitting across from me ….. we’re going to dismantle her.” WHAT???????? All through my life I never made waves, caused problems, never disagreed if I thought it would make someone mad, etc. I was numb when I left …. but he was right …… it took many years to find “good Suzy’s” sister, but she’s sure there now.
abby

@amberpep

Sure does Teresa, and I have my therapist to thank for that. I remember when I first started to see him, about 10 years ago ….. oh, I was just so good … dressed perfectly, sat straight, said all the “right” things a Christian wife and mother should say, blah, blah, blah. After I was done, he looked at me and said, “I see “good Suzy” sitting across from me ….. we’re going to dismantle her.” WHAT???????? All through my life I never made waves, caused problems, never disagreed if I thought it would make someone mad, etc. I was numb when I left …. but he was right …… it took many years to find “good Suzy’s” sister, but she’s sure there now.
abby

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@amberpep

Hi, Abby. I’m glad you had a satisfying Thanksgiving. I think I’m going to ask my therapist if he sees me the way yours did that first session. I think that probably would describe me. “I see mr. nice guy looking at me. Time to find what’s really inside you.” Hmm. I’m glad that your X saw a new, improved you. I’m glad you see a new you, for that matter.

Sadie just jumped in my lap, time for her nightly walk. So, gotta go. Have a good weekend, Abby.

Jim

@amberpep

Sure does Teresa, and I have my therapist to thank for that. I remember when I first started to see him, about 10 years ago ….. oh, I was just so good … dressed perfectly, sat straight, said all the “right” things a Christian wife and mother should say, blah, blah, blah. After I was done, he looked at me and said, “I see “good Suzy” sitting across from me ….. we’re going to dismantle her.” WHAT???????? All through my life I never made waves, caused problems, never disagreed if I thought it would make someone mad, etc. I was numb when I left …. but he was right …… it took many years to find “good Suzy’s” sister, but she’s sure there now.
abby

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Abby @amberpep

I understand what you are saying – when you are trying to please everyone else, you can no longer be yourself – a true identity crisis isn’t it?

Teresa

@parus

@jimhd I call this “plan to” as paving the road since I so oft heard this about good intentions. I did have a quiet and peaceful day as nearly everyone else was gone. For several years now I have designed a Christmas card to send to those near, dear and far away. I have designed one for this year and will hand deliver the ones I can and forget about the others as no one sends Christmas cards anymore. I always felt disappointed as I did not receive cards. By not sending any I will not have my feelings hurt. Gee, why did I not think of this sooner? I do the best I can and I only invest extra effort in taking care of myself.
This is not selfish at all.

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@parus

I’m with you on the Christmas card thing. I don’t like e-cards, even though that’s all we get from some. I suppose it’s inevitable that it will be the norm soon enough. I write a letter about the highlights of our year and send copies to an increasingly shorter list of family and friends. But if we don’t receive a card from someone, they’re off the list. I write the letter so it can be interesting to friends who probably aren’t all that interested in the minutiae of our granddaughters’ lives.

I sat in a corner of the family room at my in-laws’ home today half listening to the swirl of conversation and activity, drinking coffee. My wife’s family is overwhelming. But I survived, and have made it back to our daughter’s, and am playing catch up with the Mayo Connect discussions.

Next comes Christmas! I’m going to put up more lights outside this year, as our daughter is coming for a week. I only put up a couple of lights last year- fewer every year. I just haven’t felt like using the little energy I have doing something that only my wife and I would see. Living out in the country, no one else would see the decorations. I used to compete with the neighbors where we lived last, and strung lights on the fences, the porch rails, the roofline and even the trees and bushes. Makes me tired just thinking of it.

I should write to a few others, so I must say goodnight.

Jim

Whew @jimhd , I am tired after just reading all of that :). I now email some the Christmas card I design as many I know spend the winter in FL and do not get their card until Spring. Why would I spend my energy decorating when I am the only one seeing thus? I go to the houses of others and enjoy all of their decorations. By no stretch of the imagination am I Ms. Scrooge. Living in an apartment complex I play secret elf. The fun is no one has figured out where things at their door are coming from as I also place something in front of mine. I sing Christmas carols in stores or when lines are long-Jingle Bell Rock is safe thus far. The Salvation Army enjoys my “Christmas” carols even though I don’t last long in the cold air.
My body may be old with chronic pain, but I can still have Christmas spirit and not mind one bit when I am called a crazy old woman at times. Usually by someone who has mega-bucks and does not understand the true meaning of happiness. I am chronic in many ways-now chronically old at 66. I am also chronically crazy which is the only way I know to handle all of my chronic issues… :).

I must work on the watercolor of dinosaurs for my soon to be 3 year old grandson. The gift that keeps on giving even after Christmas.

Have a good day and thankful to hear your daughter is coming. Motivation can be found.

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