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amberpep
@amberpep

Posts: 610
Joined: Jul 02, 2012

~ I thought the healing was complete, but I guess not ...~

Posted by @amberpep, Nov 21, 2017

I thought the healing I had, due to being married to a narcissist for over 40 years, was complete. Guess not. Last night I had a dream that I was at a gym, and he was there too with several other people, and I, for some unknown reason was determined to show off my athletic skills in the form of gymnastics. Now, I’ve never been athletic, with the exception of competing in free style roller skating when I was in my teens …. otherwise, NADA. So, I kept trying and trying and trying, to stand on my head (something else I can’t do), to impress him. (?) Everything I tried to do led to failure and, while I knew he was watching me out of the corer of his eye, I also knew he was mocking my foolish attempts. Again, I felt like a real loser …. an embarrassment, a disgrace to everyone. It cut through to my very soul and heart as if it were yesterday. When I woke up this morning, I felt the same way, hearing the words roll through my head of “loser, jerk, stupid, and “what an ass.” I thought I was over all this, but I guess not ….. it’s as if it came out of nowhere. It’s very upsetting, and at any moment today I can cry, for seemingly no reason. To add to all this, 2 years ago I made a very difficult move from MD to western VA. My girls had been hounding me for years to move down closer to them. I was very happy in MD – it was my “nest.” But, finally I relented and moved down …. what a mistake. Yes, my girls could not be more caring and attentive, but my X also lives 20 miles away and Thanksgiving is always at his house. If I had not sold my condo in MD, I would move back, although I know it would upset my girls.
So, that’s my piece meal story ….. it’s a very sad day for me …… almost reliving that whole horrible time with the N.
Thanks for listening.
abby

REPLY

Oh, and something else unrelated to the aforementioned discussion. For the passed year or so I’ve been very clumsy, teetery on my feet, unbalanced, and there are days I feel like I’m in a brain fog. I have fallen here at home almost weekly, not breaking anything, but getting some dandy bruises. I was afraid I was coming down with Parkinson”s, MS or another one of those awful diseases. Well, I renewed my Rx this week for Clonopin (been taking it for 1-1/2 years) and for the first time I read the entire patient handout. Everything I was experiencing was exactly what they described. They said it was very normal to feel physically unbalanced and fall. Also another med. I take – Lamictal – for Bipolar 2, has the same effect, although not quite as extreme. At least I know what is causing this, and that helps, but I really have to be careful anywhere I walk.
abby

Abby @amberpep

I’m sorry that you are having such a tough day. Memories are funny things, aren’t they? They pop up and interfere with our peace of mind in so many ways.

Our past, both the good and the bad, are always with us. It takes some work to process those memories and replace them with where we are now and what we have accomplished. As I’ve read your posts over the past year or so, I’m impressed with how much you have grown and changed. You have left the “door mat” side of yourself behind you and you’ve moved on. That is quite an accomplishment!

These memories will come back, perhaps in a dream or perhaps in intrusive painful memories – but we always have the present and the future. For the rest of the day, try to think on those memories.

Keep posting as you can,

Teresa

Thank you Teresa for your kind and encouraging words.
abby

Oh, Abby–that is a very upsetting dream. We are with you and care about you.

@amberpep

Oh, wow.

Dreams can be so awfully real. With the emphasis on awful sometimes. Abuse, in its wildly sundry forms, too often seems to attach itself to our minds with super glue. Extracting ourselves from its grip can be a lifelong process. We think we’ve worked through it all, and all of a sudden, it knocks us out again with some small trigger.

You said Thanksgiving is always at your x’s home. Do you plan to be there?

We just got to our daughter’s home, and my wife is calling me to get the luggage and stuff into the house, so I’d better stop writing and get to work.

Jim

@jimhd

@amberpep

Oh, wow.

Dreams can be so awfully real. With the emphasis on awful sometimes. Abuse, in its wildly sundry forms, too often seems to attach itself to our minds with super glue. Extracting ourselves from its grip can be a lifelong process. We think we’ve worked through it all, and all of a sudden, it knocks us out again with some small trigger.

You said Thanksgiving is always at your x’s home. Do you plan to be there?

We just got to our daughter’s home, and my wife is calling me to get the luggage and stuff into the house, so I’d better stop writing and get to work.

Jim

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Hi Jim, @jimhd

I really like the analogy of super glue-how true! Those memories do stick. Holidays can be difficult for many of us and with Thanksgiving just a day away, we are all subject to painful memories. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Teresa

Hi Jim …. Yes, Thanksgiving is at my X’s house. He’s become quite the cook. He lives down a major highway about 20 miles from me, and since I don’t drive at night, I’m going down with my daughter and her family. I’d really prefer to drive alone so I could leave when I wanted to. I’m going to have to think about that. This is one of those many times when I wish I’d never left MD.
abby

I’m copying and pasting a sort of hang-on to my original post. I want to be sure you all see it …. some of you may be having the same problem and wondering what’s going on …. sort of “catastrophic thinking.”
“Oh, and something else unrelated to the aforementioned discussion. For the passed year or so I’ve been very clumsy, teetery on my feet, unbalanced, and there are days I feel like I’m in a brain fog. I have fallen here at home almost weekly, not breaking anything, but getting some dandy bruises. I was afraid I was coming down with Parkinson”s, MS or another one of those awful diseases. Well, I renewed my Rx this week for Clonopin (been taking it for 1-1/2 years) and for the first time I read the entire patient handout. Everything I was experiencing was exactly what they described. They said it was very normal to feel physically unbalanced and fall. Also another med. I take – Lamictal – for Bipolar 2, has the same effect, although not quite as extreme. At least I know what is causing this, and that helps, but I really have to be careful anywhere I walk.”
Just wondered if anyone else had this problem?
abby

@amberpep

I’m copying and pasting a sort of hang-on to my original post. I want to be sure you all see it …. some of you may be having the same problem and wondering what’s going on …. sort of “catastrophic thinking.”
“Oh, and something else unrelated to the aforementioned discussion. For the passed year or so I’ve been very clumsy, teetery on my feet, unbalanced, and there are days I feel like I’m in a brain fog. I have fallen here at home almost weekly, not breaking anything, but getting some dandy bruises. I was afraid I was coming down with Parkinson”s, MS or another one of those awful diseases. Well, I renewed my Rx this week for Clonopin (been taking it for 1-1/2 years) and for the first time I read the entire patient handout. Everything I was experiencing was exactly what they described. They said it was very normal to feel physically unbalanced and fall. Also another med. I take – Lamictal – for Bipolar 2, has the same effect, although not quite as extreme. At least I know what is causing this, and that helps, but I really have to be careful anywhere I walk.”
Just wondered if anyone else had this problem?
abby

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@amberpep

I mentioned to the neurologist last week that I find myself turning into doorways too soon, banging my shoulder against the door frame, and staggering down the hall, bumping pictures on one side and bookshelves on the other, almost tipping over when I stand up and then turn left or right with the first step, catching my right toes on the back of my left foot, and tripping because my right toe touches the carpet or even a smooth surface. He made a note of it, but didn’t comment at all. It sounds like foot drop that I’ve heard other people with neuropathy complain about.

It seems that you’re more comfortable with being at your x’s home than I would. Even if I were, like you I’d want to be able to leave on my own schedule. I had trouble driving at night, but cataract surgery on both eyes has helped a lot, though I still don’t like the oncoming headlights. Have you suggested having dinner earlier so you could drive home in the daylight? I know people have definite traditions like that which they don’t want to, or would even consider to change.

However it works out, I hope you have a pleasant day.

I remember how overwhelmed I was in the early days of my marriage, going to family times at my in-laws. They were SO noisy! My family was never like that. I got used to finding an empty room, and sitting alone in the quiet or going for a walk.

Have you been able to unpack more boxes? Have you found it more like home when you get things set out on shelves and tables? It’s a comforting thing to have things around that have sentimental value, or that remind us of happy times. But then, I’m definitely not a minimalist when it comes to decorating.

I’m believing for you a settling of emotions as more time passes in your new home.

Jim

There seem to be triggers everywhere. I surely have been traumatized recently by family physician I was used by her to give a new NP training and was not asked first. The recent visit a specialist went well. I am having horrible dreams and waking up with panic attacks. It has not been this bad for a long time. It will take time to keep myself grounded. What I experienced should not happen to anyone. Being blind-sided can have drastic results for some of us. I have to just work my way through this.
I was going to go with my son and his family for Thanksgiving dinner and I just cannot do it. Bummer.
I need to get back on my feet as staying alone all of the time is not healthy.

@parus

There seem to be triggers everywhere. I surely have been traumatized recently by family physician I was used by her to give a new NP training and was not asked first. The recent visit a specialist went well. I am having horrible dreams and waking up with panic attacks. It has not been this bad for a long time. It will take time to keep myself grounded. What I experienced should not happen to anyone. Being blind-sided can have drastic results for some of us. I have to just work my way through this.
I was going to go with my son and his family for Thanksgiving dinner and I just cannot do it. Bummer.
I need to get back on my feet as staying alone all of the time is not healthy.

Jump to this post

@parus

I agree, being blind-sided can be terribly unsettling. You are right to say that you will have to work through this and I know that you will do just that. You are a very determined and gifted person.

I hope for you a good day, in whatever you choose to do.

Blessings,

Teresa

@parus

There seem to be triggers everywhere. I surely have been traumatized recently by family physician I was used by her to give a new NP training and was not asked first. The recent visit a specialist went well. I am having horrible dreams and waking up with panic attacks. It has not been this bad for a long time. It will take time to keep myself grounded. What I experienced should not happen to anyone. Being blind-sided can have drastic results for some of us. I have to just work my way through this.
I was going to go with my son and his family for Thanksgiving dinner and I just cannot do it. Bummer.
I need to get back on my feet as staying alone all of the time is not healthy.

Jump to this post

@parus

I think that unexpected change is more impacting on those of us who are doing the coping dance with mental illnesses. I catch myself using words like should, ought to, need to, and so on. When I use them at the therapist’s, I will stop and find a different way to express my thoughts.

I’m learning, albeit very slowly, that I don’t have to feel guilty because of the shoulds and need to’s. I’m working at letting myself be who or where I am right now, and not letting someone else tell me I “should” be better by now. Or I “need to” do this or that. Sometimes, I wonder if I’d be better off without having to hear those guilt producers. Being single does have its advantages.

I just let myself sleep in until 10:45 this morning, and didn’t worry about what the rest of the household thought about it. I’m doing pretty well limiting the number of hours I sleep, but once in awhile it feels good to stay in bed.

I hope you enjoy a relaxing, quiet day of being thankful for the good things from your past. This weekend, I plan to make a list of people for whom I’m thankful, and when I get back home, I plan to hand write thank you notes and mail them. I plan to, but we’ll see if I can make myself do it when the time comes.

Jim

@jimhd I call this “plan to” as paving the road since I so oft heard this about good intentions. I did have a quiet and peaceful day as nearly everyone else was gone. For several years now I have designed a Christmas card to send to those near, dear and far away. I have designed one for this year and will hand deliver the ones I can and forget about the others as no one sends Christmas cards anymore. I always felt disappointed as I did not receive cards. By not sending any I will not have my feelings hurt. Gee, why did I not think of this sooner? I do the best I can and I only invest extra effort in taking care of myself.
This is not selfish at all.

Hi all ….. well, today is Thanksgiving, and I went to my X’s for dinner. Our kids, and their spouses, and our grandkids were there. After being divorced for 12 years, things have leveled out pretty well. In fact, if he’d have treated me then the way he does now, there may have been more hope. But, since he’s a narcissist, well, a tiger doesn’t change its stripes ….. it’s all for appearances. I’ve been in therapy for 10 years, so I’m not the same person I was and I think it throws him a bit …. no longer the “good little Suzy” who agreed with everything no matter what …. she’s been moved out and her “evil” twin has moved in, and she doesn’t put up with any garbage from Mr. know it all. That’s gone a long way toward improving our relationship. He knows better than to be “Mr. Wonderful” around me …. I just say some little sarcastic thing and walk away. Love it. Probably why he treats me better.
abby

Hi Abby, @amberpep

It sounds like you’ve had a graduation exercise from the “good little Suzy” and you have taken on a new identity! Feels good, doesn’t it?

Teresa

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