~ I thought the healing was complete, but I guess not ...~
I thought the healing I had, due to being married to a narcissist for over 40 years, was complete. Guess not. Last night I had a dream that I was at a gym, and he was there too with several other people, and I, for some unknown reason was determined to show off my athletic skills in the form of gymnastics. Now, I’ve never been athletic, with the exception of competing in free style roller skating when I was in my teens …. otherwise, NADA. So, I kept trying and trying and trying, to stand on my head (something else I can’t do), to impress him. (?) Everything I tried to do led to failure and, while I knew he was watching me out of the corer of his eye, I also knew he was mocking my foolish attempts. Again, I felt like a real loser …. an embarrassment, a disgrace to everyone. It cut through to my very soul and heart as if it were yesterday. When I woke up this morning, I felt the same way, hearing the words roll through my head of “loser, jerk, stupid, and “what an ass.” I thought I was over all this, but I guess not ….. it’s as if it came out of nowhere. It’s very upsetting, and at any moment today I can cry, for seemingly no reason. To add to all this, 2 years ago I made a very difficult move from MD to western VA. My girls had been hounding me for years to move down closer to them. I was very happy in MD – it was my “nest.” But, finally I relented and moved down …. what a mistake. Yes, my girls could not be more caring and attentive, but my X also lives 20 miles away and Thanksgiving is always at his house. If I had not sold my condo in MD, I would move back, although I know it would upset my girls.
So, that’s my piece meal story ….. it’s a very sad day for me …… almost reliving that whole horrible time with the N.
Thanks for listening.