I struggle with emotions regarding my husband’s forgetfulness.

Posted by csm11171962 @csm11171962, May 20, 2023

How do I handle my irritation (which is embarrassing to admit) when I repeat and repeat things for my forgetful husband?

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@tsc

I think pausing reactivity serves us well in many aspects of life, @jbur. This morning I listened to a lecture on medical advocacy and the instructor's advice was to remain polite even when firing a medical professional. It's kind of relaxing to adopt calmness as an orientation. It makes for better interactions in the long run.

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Yes, I agree.

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Thank you for being here. I have not posted much but I found this site in one of my boo hoo days.
Love the whiteboard idea. And the power of the pause.
My husband has MCI and I find the start of the day to be so important to our mood with each other.
We wake up and sit in guided meditation for 15 minutes in the morning.
This may not work for some but it is very helpful to begin the day with calm.
Deep breath at least.
Also even though I lose my patience and snap at times, I do need to forgive it.
Hugging each other at least once a day is also calming.
Hugs to all of you.

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@maryvc

Thank you for being here. I have not posted much but I found this site in one of my boo hoo days.
Love the whiteboard idea. And the power of the pause.
My husband has MCI and I find the start of the day to be so important to our mood with each other.
We wake up and sit in guided meditation for 15 minutes in the morning.
This may not work for some but it is very helpful to begin the day with calm.
Deep breath at least.
Also even though I lose my patience and snap at times, I do need to forgive it.
Hugging each other at least once a day is also calming.
Hugs to all of you.

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Mary, what source do you use for the guided meditation? I had a recording on Alexa years ago that was helpful, but it disappeared. Trying to meditate on my own seems to be impossible these days with stress and my thoughts bouncing all over the place.

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I have been a yoga and meditation teacher and still my mind goes all over the place:)
I love the App - Insight Timer. https://insighttimer.com
I love that you can search a theme for the day and choose amount of time you want to spend on the meditation. Also if you can sit without the words and guidance, the timer is great.
I also listen to Dharma talks and meditations from The Insight Meditation Center in Redwood City Calif.

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I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m sure it is beyond frustrating. Hugs.

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@jbur

I care for my husband also with memory loss. We have tamed the repetitive questions with a white board posted by the coffee pot (or any place regularly visited). Each morning I post the activities for the day for both of us. He has come to rely on checking there. It's worked really well for us.

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The white board is a great suggestion. I used one when my husband was in early stages but now the board is useless. He can’t find it even with it right in front of him and he can’t understand what it says now. So all I’m saying is use it while you can but don’t be upset when they can’t. This disease robs our loved ones of everything and yes it is hard for the caregiver.
Best of luck to all of you us.

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@csm11171962

Well, I am not religious, I do follow a Buddhist practice and meditation, and in the concept of being present now. I like that I can be content and happy between difficult times, except I seem to have a knee-jerk reaction to being irritable when I have to repeat things so often for my husband are use a notebook to remember important things in my life and ask my husband to do the same, however, he doesn’t seem to want to do that. Perhaps, I am in denial about his fading memory, otherwise, why would I expect him to keep track of things I get mad at myself for not being patient at times. All the times, I can be loving and accepting of his difficulties with cognitive impairment.
Thanks for sharing your practices and dealing with your wife’s memory loss. I clearly have work to do to improve my reactiveness.

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I am also feeling guilt when I try to be patient and fail. I ask God for forgiveness and ask for more patience and strength to overcome.

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I am so glad to hear patience with this is a challenge. I’m losing it and need to be more mindful. It’s hard. I think it’s high expectations that now need to be minimized.

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I too have a husband with MCI - probably dementia at this point. We have an Amazon Alexa Show in a prominent place, and I 'try' to put everything on there - appointments - social hours - trips - grocery shopping, anything that can avoid repeated questions. He can ask what is on the calendar today, what is the weather forecast, wind speed, the date, the time, who the twins play etc. It is connected to our phones so the reminders and calendars are also on our phones. We are in an independent living Presbyterian Home, and they have many coffees, social hours etc. Many of the guys have some sort of memory issues, so I am sure they repeat their stories a lot, but it is great for him to have someplace to socialize without me. He drives very well, but does not remember directions anymore. He reads online newspapers everyday and plays words with friends. He doesn't remember what he has read, but does a really good job with sudoku, and words with friends. It is a strange disease. Days I am really frustrated, I read the problems other people have, and I count my blessings. At this point, he has no trouble dressing, and eating (when I remind him to do so) and is very even tempered. I can no longer send him to the grocery store, even though it is a block away, or to a Dr's appointment (3 blocks away), but these are small things to handle. Moving to a senior building was the right thing to do. We are both 80 years old, and have longevity in our families. This forum is a wonderful resource.

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I don’t know if any of you have read the book Travelers to Unimaginable Lands by Dacha Kiper, a very good book. She talks about the repetitive of questions but also how important conversations are for Alzheimer’s patients. My husband also drove me nuts and still does with questions about what day is it. He has lost the ability to form or find his words but he does try. So I try hard to engage him in trying to talk even if it’s about what day it is. Best of luck to everyone.

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