I realized last night that I likely will never be happy again.

i have been using wellbutrin for years on and off. it does the trick.

Michael

I have no eloquent or even interesting words. I totally understand the no happiness comment. I wish I knew of a ‘cure’ I could use one. I have realized that the longer I don’t believe in happiness for myself the stronger the hold on negative emotions. Knowing doesn’t help though.

I do hope that you find some happiness.

This can hardly be a unique experience, so for the benefit of anyone who finds this post later, I'll offer a couple of words.

If you've been a good and involved father, I think it was wrong of your daughter to do that. Sometimes children can consider a step-parent to be their real parents, like my half-sister, whose dad left her as a little girl. But we as a culture have a real misunderstanding of what a step-parent is, I think in part because, semantically, "parent" is in the word. But some terms don't actually mean what they sound like. For example, "second generation immigrant" (I am one myself). A useful term, to be sure, to describe my unique experience, but a second generation immigrant is not at all an immigrant, even though "immigrant" is in the term. I am native-born. I should not be thought of as an immigrant, and in this case, I don't think the step-father should have been thought of as a parent. The semantics are a reason to show your daughter some grace. Definitely do what others are saying and speak to your daughter about how you feel; she's an adult.

That said, a step-parent can be a sort of stand-in for a parent, and given your description of how you were as a parent, I definitely think that's the case in this situation, in both life and in the symbolism of him also walking her down the aisle. (By the way, weddings are so performative, like a stage play. Show your daughter some grace for this reason, too.) I suppose she said, let's recognize the understudy, too, by letting him play the part alongside. If anything, you were such a great father, she wanted you there twice, and he was the additional stand-in for you.

That may not be a good thing that you were such a great dad that you got to be there twice. It speaks to what others are saying, that you've sacrificed your happiness too greatly. I agree that you need to seek counseling, and I am pretty anti- counseling. After all, her mom loves your daughter as much as you do, right, and does that bother or threaten you? Why her step-dad loving her bothers you is definitely some work you need a counselor for.

I agree with the post that said an antidepressant could be helpful for you. Also you said that you are not comfortable sharing your thoughts and feelings with your children. But talking with a therapist could help. I take mirtazapine and just do a med check in every 5-6 weeks with my psychiatrist. I have been in therapy in the past and found it very helpful. I think if you are "stuck" and need to get "unstuck" a therapist is very helpful. After retiring I was not able to find meaningful work and also most of my friends were younger and not retired I became deeply depressed. With the help of my therapist and antidepressants I no longer feel depressed. Nothing has really changed just my outlook and ability to find joy in the simpler things in life. Grown children can be a blessing but they have their own lives to lead and we need to learn how to take care of ourselves. Please consider talking to someone as it can really help get unstuck

Seeing a therapist and also involving a psychiatric NP, or psychiatrist to help with meds this will help helpful. You can even go through an online service like Rula. I did this for several months. If the counselor isn’t a good fit, just choose someone else. It makes it so easy and convenient. And you have a lot of family history to work through, but they can start first with stabilizing your brain chemistry. It seems undaunting, but I think you will find that each session brings you closer and closer to a better space in life. If you are able to process some of the feelings carrying over from childhood, and also the divorce, you may find yourself if a completely different mindset and life can look so much differently. Start now, start today. What if this leads you to another phase in life that is filled with happiness? You have everything to gain

I know how this gentleman is feeling. I am estranged from my brother because of the political situation. That was his choice, not mine. Very seldom speak to my sister. She likes to be mean. Of my two sons, the younger one basically threw me out of their family. My older son is all I have left. He is coming for a very short visit in a couple of weeks and told me it would be the last time he would be coming here. He lives in Asia now so it is a combination of money for air travel and the actual time it takes to get here. I am 90 years old. My husband died almost 4 years ago. I guess some people would say I am "lucky" because even as old as I am I am relatively healthy. I am independent and take care of myself. I had therapy after my husband died. She diagnosed me with PTSD due to child abuse. I will not take drugs because they do not work on me as they do other people. For instance when a doctor prescribed lisinopril for high blood pressure I had an anaphalactic reaction to it and spent 3 days in ICU. I have had similar reactions to other meds as well. After my son leaves I will have to face the fact that I will never see my children again for however many years I have left to live. No, I am not happy and probably never will be.

Talk therapy will help if you can find one that can understand you. Sounds like me in the past. I am content. I excepted myself as I am. I let go- being the victim. Good luck and never give up.

I am so sorry, Michael. Through the years I, too, have wrestled with self hatred and I know it is not a good place to be. But, after reading your post, the quote attributed to Ralph Waldo Emerson came to mind - "You are what you think."
I recently attended an online presentation which is a part of the UCLA Semel Institute's Open Mind lecture series. It was on self hatred. Here the a link to the lecture:
https://www.friendsofsemelinstitute.org/pastevents
Dr. Aguirre has a book, "I Hate Myself: Overcome Self-Loathing and Realize Why You're Wrong About You" that might be worth considering. I hope it might help. I wish you well and am sending positive thoughts your way.

If you are able, you really, really need to get some therapy. There are lots of different kinds of therapy out there - I myself prefer CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) and DBT (Directed Behavior Therapy - these use practical ideas to help you deal with your emotions. I see a therapist (chronic depression), but I also get lots of benefit from using CBT and DBT workbooks. It helps me dig down to what is actually going on at the bottom of everything. Also, you might look at getting on an antidepressant. Warning, finding the kind that works for you is a bit of a crap shoot. They don't really know how or why different antidepressants work, so you just have to keep trying until you find one that works for you. I wish you luck in your journey.

Your love for your children is so amazing and admirable. You're right, losing you would crush them, so, please stay strong. I'm so sorry a man who seems so loving, valuable, and kind is suffering like this. I'd like to tell you that your thoughts that you will never be happy again are a lie, but, of course I can't. I just very much hope you are completely wrong, and I wonder if you start telling yourself "I am going to do what makes me happy" every day would help? When those negative thoughts come, how about telling them to shove off and think of what a wonderful human being you are? I see it, and I only know you from what you've written.
One thing is certain in life and that is change. You may meet the love of your life tomorrow? Depression is like being in a war. You are in the trenches, and you have to be courageous and soldier up. Fight the negative thoughts with positive thoughts. Fill your life with what you love, hobbies, friends, anything that makes you smile. If you have faith, lean on it. I cry out to Jesus for help when I'm in the trenches. Life is hard, so focus on what is good. You sound like an amazing father and person that would be easy to love. Tear down those old walls that keep you down. You have a life to live. You will probably have beautiful grandbabies to hold, to laugh with, to encourage. They do need you. The world needs more thoughtful, giving, souls like you. I sure hope God surprises you with so much goodness. All the best to you. 🩷