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I realized last night that I likely will never be happy again.

Posted by michael1981 @michael1981, Feb 23 4:13pm

I don't know why I am typing this. Why I started an account and am putting this put there. I don't expect the way I feel to ever change.

Last night was my daughters wedding. She was absolutely beautiful and the event went perfect. From beginning to end it could not have been better for my daughter and her now husband. I've never seen her so happy.

Her mother and myself divorced 20 years ago. Her mom remarried shortly after we divorced and they just recently celebrated their 18 year anniversary. Her husband really is a great guy. He has shown my children nothing but love and respect from day one. He views my children as his own, and I have zero doubts now that he loves them.

When I heard my exwife was getting remarried I was filled with tremendous dread and fear. The thought of losing the only thing I had left in life to live for, my children, to another father figure caused me anxiety I've never felt before.

I made a promise to myself when I first found out I was gonna be a parent that I would always put my kids welfare and happiness first. I was gonna be the dad I wished I had. I never felt my dad loved me as much as he loved the different girls he dated growing up, so I vowed to never date seriously again. My kids will never know how I felt as a kid. More than once I heard my parents say how important their own happiness is while never seeming to worry about mine. So I vowed that I will step on any landmine and smile if it meant my kids avoiding unnecessary heartache and pain. I'll give up happiness for a time if needed so my kids can have it. So I did. I encouraged my kids to love and respect their step-dad and mother. Even though I hated them both. Even if it meant I spent every night without them crying into my pillow alone. And in time my kids grew to love him as much as he loves them. Because that is what was best for them.

Leading up to my daughter's wedding it was made known in a subtle way that my daughter would love for her step dad to be just as much a part of the wedding as me. That meant sharing my first look of my daughter in her wedding dress with a man deep down I considered my ultimate rival. Walking her down the isle with me holding one arm and him holding the other. For her happiness.

I could tell in the moment how much it meant not only to my daughter but also her step dad, her mom, and every member of his family.

I was pulled to the side by most every attendee and told how beautiful the ceremony was and how proud of me they were for sharing the moment with him. I smiled, lied and said it was my pleasure. It wasn't a total lie, seeing how much he loves my kids, knowing they can count on him felt good in the moment.

That brings us to today. Today I'm filled with more depression and lack of wanting to continue another day on this planet more than ever before. I've always secretly been depressed. Of course I hide that from my kids and anyone who might tell them. I refuse to be a casue of them being sad. They must not know.

I realize now I will never truly be happy. I hate myself. I'm still here today because I've always told myself my kids truly need me. Nobody loves them like I do... I learned last night that is not true.

I'm not gonna do anything stupid. Obviously if I did it would destroy my kids happiness and zero chance I'm doing that. So... based on previous family members lifes. I may have 40 more years on this planet. 40 years to watch my grandchildren call him grandpa. 40 years of putting on a fake smile. 40 years of crying alone at night. Knowing I will never be happy again.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Depression & Anxiety Support Group.

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relieffrompain | @relieffrompain | 3 days ago
In reply to @dfb "I see you. I was married to the love of my life for twenty years. Our..." + (show)
Profile picture for dfb @dfb

I see you.

I was married to the love of my life for twenty years. Our life together was ended not because of something either of us did. I was made sick by the psychiatric business and it came to a point where she had to leave and take my children away.

I have not seen my children for 12 years. They were ages 7,9,11,12 they are now 19,20,22,24.

It has taken me 12 years to recover from what was done to me by doctors, lawyers and a corrupt legal system.

I no longer know what my children look like. I do not even have a picture of them beyond the age at which I last saw them. My ex-wife is quite damaged yet I love her to this day…I know how you feel, believe me I do.

Yet I have “hoped” she meet a good man. The woman I knew needs a man in her life. Teenagers “really” need a good man in their life. All I have been able to do is pray she has found a good man.

I hope to one day stand at the wedding of one of my children…I’d settle for them calling and asking for money. Anything to see them.

I am not diminishing your pain…I feel it.

I will never love anyone the way I do my ex-wife. Frankly, I don’t want to. It was ours and the pain of its absence long ago turned into part of who I am. My ex-wife put me in prison to get rid of me and I love her still. The heart “can” be reasoned with, sometimes it works better than others, tears stream down my face as I write this.

I’d have it no other way.

You have your daughter. Presumably you’ve see her fall in love, get her heart broken, learn to drive, graduate from school. You’ve witness her light and her love for all these years and now her joy at getting married.

I would give my life for just one of those moments with my children.

I am not diminishing your pain…I know it all too well.

I am not trying to tell you it could be worse…it is no comfort to me that others have lost their children.

I am trying help you look at the infinity of special moments you have and will have, each priceless on its on. Weep for your loss, I weep with you.

Rejoice in what you have, I welcome a crumb from your table as others would welcome my scraps.

The grief you feel, the sorrow, the pointlessness is real.

For me there are only two choices: end my life (and yes that is an option for me) or turn my pain into something of beauty.

I am my children’s father…it is not up to them. I may not be with them but that does not absolve me of my promise to always fight for them and be there if they need me.

I don’t know if I will keep that promise tomorrow. I have tried to end my life before, but I was on meds then.

For today, it is that fact that I am their father that allows me to endure the unthinkable.

I suspect the same is true for you.

Today I choose to keep fighting for them. Even if it means shaking the hand of the man that parented them through their teens. I pray he did a good job, whomever he might be. When I meet him if I ever do and he has done his job, then it will take restraint to not kneel in gratitude.

What more could I ask of another man.

He is loving and caring for that those I love and care for. That I cannot is separate issue.

If he is not a good man then they need me even more.

I awaken everyday with overwhelming desire to kill myself. I have since childhood, (my posts explain why) the hole in me where my children should be is where I retreat to heal and face another day.

If not for yourself, just for your daughter. Call her and talk to her and let her know how you feel. She knows you sacrificed to be there for her…let her see how big the gift you gave her was.

My farther worshiped my mother until the day he died, though they’d been divorced for 35 years. I’m pretty sure he died loving her and was perfectly fine with it.

I suspect I will do the same. I also know I will love again, different and beautiful in a its own way

Then I will die.

For me the grief and the love are no longer distinguishable from one another.

I hope you find peace.

Please don’t miss another moment of joy…it helps balance the grief.

Our legacy is written in how much we love…thats it.

The rest is noise.

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@dfb
I have found nothing that fits your description of your first book. Who is the publisher?
This is a not-for-profit website. If you can help others through your book, there shouldn't be any conflict of interest, so at least tell us where we can find it. I don't recognize you from your picture. I have seen no advertising for a book written by someone of your status, a millionaire, a person of renown. Do you share custody with your wife. You should by law be allowed supervised visits. From what I can tell, you abused alcohol and cocaine during your marriage and later, psychiatric drugs prevented you from killing yourself. I think that is a good thing.
"He is loving and caring for that those I love and care for." I get confused. I thought you knew nothing about him. They are your children. Unless you are forbidden by law, you are entitled to know who it is who cares for them. Likewise, they are adults and they have a right to contact you if they wish, and you them, including sharing photographs.

REPLY
Profile picture for dfb
dfb | @dfb | 2 days ago

You are mistaken on one fact.

I never abused drugs or alcohol I was sex trafficed for two years during which time I was drug constantly. Think Epstein for boys.

After that I never had a drink until my breakdown from psychiatric meds at 50.

Even then I didn’t abuse anything…I actually drank very little and took few drugs as nothing effected me because of the meds…all told I drank or did drugs at 50 for six months socially.

I have lived a lie for a long time to protect others.

I am not claiming anything I can not prove.

My choice to leave my children alone remains consistent with why I went to prison…I want them to have a life free of as much trauma as possible.

They know where to find me and soon I will be unavoidable.

I do not believe it is appropriate for me to discuss any of my published work here.

I can tell you everything you need to know in on simple statement.

Align ones body, mind, environment and most importantly spirit with what makes humans thrive. Everyone knows what that means, sometimes we just haven’t suffered enough to do it.

Simple but not easy. Learned that in AA.

Psychiatric medications are built on a nonsensical premise. Everyone will soon know the truth.

No pill can give anyone purpose, no amount of money, no intervention other than loving truth and support.

Few know this like I do.

The rest is capitalism at work.

Finding something to live for beyond the “self” seems to be the answer.

Blessing to you,

David

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