I need advice...relatives trying to profit from husbands dementia

Posted by anotherday @anotherday, Sep 16, 2023

I'm sure this is not a first, but it is the first time I've had to deal with it, so I need your help please. Some relatives have picked up on the fact that my husband is not the same as he was. Relatives we haven't seen in years, decade or more? Anyway, word evidently has spread and now they're coming out of the woodwork so to speak gushing with their love. Uh huh. They're actually gushing with the gimmies. Husband is ready to hand over some valuables, think five and six digit valuables to one of these folks, "he thinks" on the sly. In other words he thinks I don't know. This relative wants to drive six hours each way for a one hour visit. That was the tip off, the other tip off was my husband has suddenly fallen in love with the garage, hasn't had any interest in it and now can't get enough. I suspect he's hidden something... who knows what, in the garage and is now protecting it. How should I handle this? That's one. Another relative wanted to buy my husband a plane ticket to "come for a visit." Again, Uh Huh, right.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

I had a similar problem and had to seek legal advice and draw up some significant boundaries. Had to apply for legal guardianship to protect assets (not because my hubby was giving things away, but to protect him from others that might want to take advantage). Now anyone that takes anything without my permission could be in legal trouble. We had a POA in place that made it easy to get the house in my name and to protect all financial accounts to include use of credit cards. Now if someone comes on our (my)property, I simply say you have to leave and if they don't, the police are called. I have also blocked names and numbers in his phone to stop others from the unwanted and potentially harmful calls. You should be able to tell others to stay away and to not call. I have installed cameras to help watch, so you might want to put a small one in the garage. There are some inexpensive "granny cams" that are easy to use. But, my main point is, you need to protect yourself, and protect your husband who may not be capable of using good judgment, and most importantly, get some legal advice. Your may need all assets for a very long illness and they need to be protected from relatives that have shown no interest for decades. These relatives may also try to get him to sign documents that could greatly affect your estate and your future. Their interest may even come under the term of elder abuse. Good luck and wish you all the best.

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If you do not have his DPOA get it now while he is not declared incompetent.

These relatives are in it for the money. Allowing them to come there is a real bad idea.

Time to get the legal work done before it is too late.

Me I would confront him about the garage or search it while he is out somewhere.

He is not making rational decisions, his mind is compromised, I have seen this before.

Sending support your way!

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@anotherday I think you have been given some good advice especially regarding legal help. The Alzheimer’s Assoc has a financial section with good advice and you can also call them.
https://www.alz.org/help-support/caregiving/financial-legal-planning
Do you think these suggestions are worth working on tomorrow?

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Day 2 of trying to get him to understand that we need to have a different POA set up. He's either truly not understanding or he's playing games. I "thought" we had this covered with what we set up years ago. Nope, he can still sign things away without my signature or approval. I'm reading up on what Guardianship is about. Sounds like what I need, but he's still showing too "with it" when he's around others for that to apply. He can hold up a pretty good show for an hour or two, after that it gets iffy. At least now I've got direction, thank you. Since he's always with me I'm writing everything out in detail and will find a way to get it to the lawyer who I spoke with briefly many months ago. He's never "out somewhere" and I haven't been able to leave him for any amount of time since last Winter. This all got started "I think" when I took a 2 hour nap a couple Sunday's back and he got on the phone. This in an of itself is amazing as I've been having to dial the phone for him for quite awhile now. Is sneakiness a part of this? Must be. Can any of you tell me how to block numbers on a copper line? I don't have to worry about cell phones, they only work when we leave home, although I do know how to block numbers in those and will. Even text messages can be delayed when sending/receiving from home, cell phones are just for when we're out for the most part. Before I forget, I'm going to include my journal notes to the lawyer. He's already told me that this could get ugly because of the situation, 2nd marriage - I'm the younger woman, etc., but he also indicated that because of the things we have done since the marriage that my husband actually put some protections in place for me. Lord help me and keep the advice and prayers coming.

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I can block numbers on my landlines by hitting *77....but I can forward all calls to my cell phone by hitting *72. It depends with each carrier so check with them to be sure of what you can do. If he is giving away expensive items, this might hold up in court. Hope you can get to your attorney very soon. Thanks for the update.

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So sad of how ruthless our world has become ! SO many people ( creeps ) looking for something for nothing ! Honor, honesty, and integrity mean nothing to so many slime-ball people anymore ! I would suggest that you get ahold of all of your husband’s valuables and lock them up somewhere that he can’t even get into ! If you haven’t done a ..... power of attorney... paper as his caretaker , I would suggest you do that soon !

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Update - The date has come and gone and no visit from the long lost relatives. The good Lord does provide, I 've been running a low grade fever, little bit of a sore throat and a little off balance since Saturday. They were due here yesterday. Guess they didn't want to be exposed to the unknown. Hmmmm. Thank you all for the prayers, He did answer, just not how I thought He would.

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