Loss: I am stuck in the "angry" stage. How can I move on?
My brother committed suicide 2 years ago. How do I get out of the "angry" stage. It seems that's the only way I can deal.
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Mikaylar, I am so so sorry. I can't even imagine this. Our Pastor said it best, "Some people reach a point of desperation mentally where they are out of touch with reality". He begged the congregation if anyone was contemplating suicide to not do it and get help. He also said, it only leaves so much hurt and guilt to those left behind. What a wise Pastor. Anger is a stage of grief. The key is not to stay there. It is not your fault. A dear friend just lost her daughter to cancer. Her words ring true: "I am not "moving forward" as good meaning people recommend, I am "carrying on", ONE DAY AT A TIME.". Grief is a process. We cannot hurry grief along in any one. I pray you release this anger and "carry on" so you can heal. God Bless You and I am praying for you right now. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you as I can't imagine what you are going through. Hugs & Prayers…
Hi, @mikaylar I'm Scott and I lost my wife to brain cancer. Your post made me think about my own journey with grief. While I realize everyone is different and our journeys with grief vary widely, here is what I found/experienced.
I let grief take its course. I actually threw away every book folks had given me that talked about the 'stages' of grief. I found my grief was mine and not something that could be dictated to me in how I was to move through it, accept it, etc. Like I said — just me, but accepting that grief was now a partner in my life allowed me to feel it without guilt about how it was affecting me on any particular day or time of day.
I also found a therapist who was a terrific listener and allowed me to process/rant/vent and help me understand those feelings.
One thing I still do is that I keep a "To Do" list and make sure I do one thing on it a day — plus as I finish one item I always add a new one to the bottom of the list. Some are big, most are small, but each one gives me a goal every day and helps me look forward to at least a portion of each day.
Thank you for posting and I hope the sun is shining wherever you are today!
Strength, Courage, & Peace
Thank you both for your encouragement and prayers. As you know, some days are better than others. My situation is that it keeps coming back to deal with. My brother exploded his row house and rendered 2 other homes besides his destroyed to the ground and contemned 2 other homes. 8 people lost their homes, 3 of which were children. The property is in limbo because I am the only heir and don't want to get involved. Eventually, I will have to sign off on the property so it can be rebuilt as it is not safe in the neighborhood. His urn of ashes is still at the county coroner 2 years later – at least I think it is. I don't want it. So, here I am….stuck in anger stage. I loved him more than anyone but I hate him too for what he did to innocent families and our family.
Wow, @mikaylamikaylar That is a tragic set of circumstances for sure. I can hardly imagine!
I have no experience nor expertise in this area, but since real estate is involved you might want to get some legal advice on what your responsibilities might be given you are heir to the property. Also, by getting that off your plate you might also remove some of the pain and anger you are feeling. Again, just a suggestion, but you might be able to tell the county coroner that you do not want the ashes and maybe they could place them in a pauper/unclaimed grave.
You are dealing with a lot and know my suggestions might be beyond your interest and energy levels for this, too.
Do you live close by to all this?
Strength, Courage, & Peace
Thank you Scott for your words of comfort. I live 1/2 hour away. As a paralegal, I know what I have to do and right now, that is nothing until I am forced to. I am not probating his Will. He has nothing. So, I just go day by day hoping my anger will turn to whatever the next stage is, I forget. You take care of yourself too.
So sorry to read this and how you are feeling and I am "just" another human being who has not been through what you are going through, but over the years had things happen to me that I could be so very angry about. I sort of see things from different angles, two sides and yes am a Libra and wish I wasn't sometimes! You loved your brother so much and am sure you still do deep inside; yet it is "what he did" that caused grief to to others – but what about the grief/loss he caused "you" – regardless, by committing suicide and leaving you… whether or not in doing so he affected others?
In his state of mind would it be possible he had no idea/thoughts that by demolishing his home to end his life that neighbours would be affected… that it was "accidental" and the explosion was larger than he had planned?
I am just wondering if it is possible to see this from a different view/perspective, and I apologize if I am saying the "wrong thing." I hope you will always have love deep inside for your brother and, you haven't, mourn his passing, he must have been desperately unhappy….
Thankfully the other people living in the building were not killed or hurt (I hope)… I also hope that, as they say, time heals all wounds (of every type)… but they always leave a scar.
I hope "time" does heal, and maybe even one day possibly have empathy for your brother in feeling he could no longer continue living, and that the results on others were unintentional and he underestimated the damage?
Spoken from my heart and hoping that you find a way to quell your anger, as it is understandable but is also robbing you of Peace and a memory of your brother's death had it happened another way? … and as someone already mentioned here; perhaps have someone, a professional in dealing with the affect on your "mental health and emotions" will be able to support and guide you through this tragedy… even reading your comments affects us all…. 💕
Thank you Valerie.
What I have experienced with grief is that the anger protected me from the profound sadness until I could start to take it on. In the meantime I channelled my anger into helping others as at least that energy was going somewhere good. Eventually I was able to start to be with it more and it has finally gotten manageable. It also took me a very long time to acknowledge my feelings of guilt, what did I miss and could this all have had a different outcome. All of this is complicated and hard and sad and a process that none of us would have chosen… Sending strength and compassion today. Take gentle care.
Yikes you expressed exactly what I am feeling. It is hard to manage because I am dealing with a daily persistent headache for 3 years/9 mos, all day, every day. Trying to find a cure but in the meantime, I put me first. If I ever feel better, I think, then it will hit me about my brother. Thank you for taking the time to express yourself. It helped me. God bless you!
Definitely see a grief counselor. Ask about EMDS. Acceptance, counseling, time. So sorry.