I am a very sad caregiver

@cancersucks1953
Wow! You and your husband have a lot on your plates, I am really sorry that this is happening! You inspire me with your attitude—I really needed to be reminded of “the high road” today and God worked through you to provide it! Thank you!

Being 'stuck' is one of the stages of being a caregiver. It comes after accepting a loved one has a disease. I asked my psychology nurse for a list of books and the first one he recommended was "Man's Search for Meaning." I read it cold, not knowing what the book was about and it gives a powerful insight into what it means to be "stuck" and what can be done. I'm stuck too.

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”
― Viktor E. Frankl, "Man's Search for Meaning"

@karen8

I am so sorry for all that you and your loved ones are enduring. You know, we don’t hear much about Covid and long covid anymore. That has to be incredibly frustrating if you are trying to navigate the long term effects of this disease!

I take care of my 93+ year old father, who moved in with my husband and I almost five years ago after my mom died. I can relate to the feelings of being overwhelmed and frustrated, lonely and stressed. Caregiving is very isolating physically and mentally and emotionally. I, too, often wake up with anxiety—you never know what you will being trying to cope with on any given day (my fathers health has been declining as has some of his abilities). Every decision from the type of food I provide, timing of meds, communication with docs, scheduling of myriad appointments, cleaning, watching for tripping hazards, helping with mobility issues, taking care of finances, etc etc etc, feels critical and potentially life altering (and they can be)—all while trying to enrich his life (he is bored and nothing I can provide, do with him, take him to seems to help and now that there are many food restrictions/considerations it is especially challenging), and respect his decisions and right to still make them for himself. No one can prepare you for all this entails, and I don’t think anyone can really relate or understand unless they have been or are going through it. Even friends that have done some caregiving of parents (in my case of trying to relate), didn’t walk anything like the path I have been—in so many ways our situations are unique to us.

I’ve been praying a lot about all of this. Especially how to have joy (and pass it on) in this 24/7 reality. I am seeing that looking for the small blessings everyday—those that are meant just for me, is special and uplifting. But I have to watch and be looking for them. Like the single blossom that came out late on my seemingly spent (in terms of flowers) gardenia bush. Like the butterfly that almost landed on me while I watered. Like my dad actually being pleased with a meal that I made (and it contained very little sodium), etc. Even just taking one day at a time and being thankful for peaceful days without health alarms. I’m learning that I can be a vigilant caregiver, but I cannot control everything that happens to my loved ones, and it is really a good thing that that is God’s job! I’m trying to learn to rest in Him and cast my care (but not my responsibility for doing what I should/must). I have found it helpful to talk to a counselor/therapist once a month. She doesn’t have any earth shattering suggestions that will make all this easy, but it’s a safe place to talk out emotions and things where I don’t feel like I am betraying trust. I pray blessings of comfort and peace, joy and healing and strength, courage, and endurance for you and your loved ones!

@babbsjoy lovely message. I can relate caregiving for my 97 year old mother by myself and working. I see you and thank you for your support.

@babbsjoy

I completely empathize with you: " I try to get up in the morning and be cheerful and positive because every day is different. The hard days really wear on me. I feel so bad for him and I do whatever I can to help him get through it but I become the brunt of his mood. I know he’s frustrated and in pain so I try to take it with a grain of salt. I have to remember that I am the closest to him and so therefore he is going to lash out at me. I pray hard that God will help him to get better and in the meantime I will love him with my whole heart."

With my husband George, there's no "get[ting] better" in a physical sense.
(He was in hospice care and is now in home-health care.) So, I pray that he "get[s] better" in a spiritual sense so that he has inner peace and calm about the inevitable. (He's still lucid and has been stuck in the "anger" stage of the process, and I am the brunt of his frustration and inability to embrace the decline in his mental and physical health. (He ha Alzheimer's, Lewy Body, vascular dementia and Parkinson's.)

And I pray for foregiveness--for the times that I lose patience and get angry at my husband for his lack of empathy for my own serious health issues. Because I have no moral support from him, I have come to value all your (this "community's") support.

Thanks @babbsjoy for your post, and for inspiring us. May God be with you and your husband through the rest of your days.

@jc8
Thank YOU! Cudos! Working AND caregiving has to be exhausting! My dad is now 94+, and we have been doing this for 5 1/2 years. He has had increasing health issues and some cognitive effects. My husband just retired and could use more of my attention. But now, it’s not good for us to leave dad home alone at all. I heard a sermon this morning on not just existing, but honoring God by living fully, gratefully, robustly—in appreciation for the life He has given us. I have been praying on what that should/could look like for my dad (ie how can I give him every opportunity to live this out, given his current declining state), and for my husband and I. It feels like we are all just kind of existing lately…

So, by you taking the time to comment on my comment—I think is at least part of an answer to that prayer! A reminder that I need to keep my eyes on Him, and be vigilant for the “little” things He provides to enrich and encourage—and celebrate them! Our yard is bursting with fragrant blossoms—it is a celebration for the senses. I’ll look forward to spending some time with dad on the porch enjoying it today, and maybe learning something new about he and mom’s life before me. And I think I will try to cook something different that my husband would enjoy today! Please know that God really used you to encourage me today. Thanks, and many blessings to you!