Connect
Husband doesn't recognize me: Struggling to keep him safe
I've been lurking here for quite a while, just reading posts and gathering information. I am literally in tears on a daily basis as his dementia symptoms seem to just progress and multiply every day. He is diabetic with hypertension and Stage 3a CKD. All of these issues were being well managed and under control for the past 8 years.
About 3 years ago, my darling man began getting lost while driving familiar places, misunderstanding words, and occasionally mis-speaking, calling everything a whatchamacallit or people whatshisname. As it began happening more frequently, I spoke to the doctor about it. He denied any difficulties and put it down to being 73 years old. Our PCP said to keep an eye out for changes and report back as necessary. At this point, we were doing 6 months check-up and all was relatively well, including his blood work.
This past April he began having a problem using the TV remote control. Then he started getting dressed and going to church on random days of the week. Doctor advised him to stop driving, but he refuses. Extremely belligerent and verbally aggressive when anyone mentions it, especially the safety of himself and others.
I fo all housekeeping and financial tasks because he can't remember how to use microwave or stove or washing machine or any electronics, including his cellphone at times.
He uses a catheter because he has a hypotonic bladder. Last week he asked me what these things were for. I told him they are for urinating and he asked me to show him how to use it. Yesterday he said he can't remember how to do it, so I do that every 4 hours now.
On Sunday he got up at 4am, packed some shirts and told me that he was leaving and going home. He refused to believe he lives here and that I'm his wife.
He said his wife has been gone 3 days and he's not staying here. I persuaded him to stay and just wait for her to come back, that she may have had an emergency or something happened with her family out of town, but he's really upset that she would just up and leave him.
I've been here with him, all day, every day, but he just thinks I'm some woman taking care of him until she returns.
This not knowing who I was happened previously about a month ago for about a week, then one day he asked me a question using my name, and I said, You know who I am? He said, Of course I do, you're my wife. Why are you asking me that?
So all seemed well until Saturday night when he said Sheila put my socks away and I don't have any clean socks. I just looked at him and got the clean socks. Since then, he keeps asking where she is and when she will be back. All of his other conversations and behaviors are for the most part, our new normal.
I am just at a loss as to what to do that would be most helpful and to cause him the least amount of agitation and distress.
We live alone, but he does have adult children who have been less than helpful in the oadt, and actually cause him to be more agitated and distressed.
We have an appointment with his PCP on Monday, but I'm really struggling here to keep him safely indoors until then.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Like
Helpful
HugInterested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.
Connect
Hello:
I am worried for you! His Doc must be the one to take away his driving privileges for legal reasons, or else you'll be liable if he injures or kills anyone while driving (since you have awareness of his issue and he continues driving). Let the Doc be the bad guy so you're not liable. Message him before the appointment and give the Doc a heads up Re: this urgent request. Good luck. 🫂
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
6 ReactionsI know it hurts when your loved one doesn’t know you. Every morning when my husband wakes up I wait to see who I will be today… the days he calls me by my name are special because they don’t happen often. He identifies me as two people. The first is “her” and the second is honey or sweetie. I have figured out that “her” is the me that he doesn’t always agree with and who he gets angry with when I don’t give into his every crazy, agitated whim. Honey or sweetie is the one who is around when everything is going good and we are both in agreement. At those times he will talk about “her” like she is away for awhile. It does sound like your husband has dementia and I am glad you are going to the doctor Monday. Be very clear with your concerns and persistent with your need for help. Your husband may need some medication for dementia as well as something to help with the agitation. My husband was diagnosed 3 years ago. He is now on Zoloft along with his dementia meds, and frankly I don’t know how I would handle him without it. I hate what this disease is doing to him…and to me, but he has been the love of my life for 45 years, and I will be right beside him, caring for him…until I can’t. You will learn a lot from this Mayo Connect site. Many have, and are traveling this path and have good advice on how to handle most everything. Be strong, and take care of yourself as well as your husband.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
13 ReactionsI agree with labrown & Judi. You must be prepared for his doctor's appointment on Monday, and his doctor needs to know what's happening in advance. Either by email or by phone, maybe you could speak with the nurse. Make a list of your concerns.
My husband was diagnosed in 2012, so we've been through a lot of stages and behaviors. A year or two ago, my husband would look at photos from younger, happier days and say, "That's Trisha, but YOU'RE NOT TRISHA"! It always hurt, even though I knew it was the disease talking, not him.
Our doctor told him 5-6 years ago: You're going to quit driving, one way or another. You can make that decision today, or you can wait until you have an accident and hurt or kill someone. When their attorneys find out your diagnosis, they will come after everything you have. He never drove again, but it wasn't easy; to this day, he sometimes acts like he's letting me drive this time. Whatever works.
Please keep in touch; this group has been such a source of help and support over the years.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
14 Reactions@labrown Thanks so much for your kind words. will ask his PCP what meds may help.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 ReactionsSafety is similar to what you would do for toddlers: scan the house and remove anything harmful, install locks and cameras, hide anything potentially harmful, move furniture install alarms, personal devices, etc. Anticipate the problem in advance and divert it.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
10 ReactionsWhen someone who has dementia is still able to argue, protest, deny,……etc. it’s particularly frustrating and very stressful. It’s often referred to as Resistance to care. It requires a lot of patience, planning, tenacity and support. If his doctor regularly treats patients with dementia then he knows how things go. He can recommend meds for agitation and anxiety.
I would keep in mind that just because the doctor tells him to not drive, he may still do it. One, because his judgment is poor and he can’t reason the negatives of driving against doctor orders and two, because he will forget. So, even if DMV takes his license, he may still drive because of the same reasons. So someone must ensure he doesn’t. It’s not negotiable no matter how upset he may be. I’d get a legal consult with an attorney for advice on how to get legal control and be able to legally remove the car, sell, etc. against his wishes if necessary. When someone is unpredictable, disoriented and uncooperative, it becomes a safety concern. Have you considered an assessment to see what level of care he needs?
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
8 Reactions@judimahoney Thank you! I messaged our PCP and he has initiated the paperwork to have his license revoked.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
4 Reactions@celia16 We have, but he adamantly refuses to accept he has a problem and will not talk to any professional regarding his mental health.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
6 Reactions@sr5367sh , there are legal options for situations like that. An elder law attorney should be able to explain them. Most people who have dementia are not self aware. They don’t communicate well and may act out behaviorally. Often Memory Care secure units are trained to manage that kind of behavior. That’s why an assessment can be helpful. In the assessment they don’t just go by what the patient says, but the caregivers and family members. They provide the real picture of what’s happening.
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
5 Reactions@sr5367sh
Oh, thank goodness! I am relieved for you. Holiday hugs. 🫂
-
Like -
Helpful -
Hug
6 Reactions