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Husband doesn't recognize me: Struggling to keep him safe
I've been lurking here for quite a while, just reading posts and gathering information. I am literally in tears on a daily basis as his dementia symptoms seem to just progress and multiply every day. He is diabetic with hypertension and Stage 3a CKD. All of these issues were being well managed and under control for the past 8 years.
About 3 years ago, my darling man began getting lost while driving familiar places, misunderstanding words, and occasionally mis-speaking, calling everything a whatchamacallit or people whatshisname. As it began happening more frequently, I spoke to the doctor about it. He denied any difficulties and put it down to being 73 years old. Our PCP said to keep an eye out for changes and report back as necessary. At this point, we were doing 6 months check-up and all was relatively well, including his blood work.
This past April he began having a problem using the TV remote control. Then he started getting dressed and going to church on random days of the week. Doctor advised him to stop driving, but he refuses. Extremely belligerent and verbally aggressive when anyone mentions it, especially the safety of himself and others.
I fo all housekeeping and financial tasks because he can't remember how to use microwave or stove or washing machine or any electronics, including his cellphone at times.
He uses a catheter because he has a hypotonic bladder. Last week he asked me what these things were for. I told him they are for urinating and he asked me to show him how to use it. Yesterday he said he can't remember how to do it, so I do that every 4 hours now.
On Sunday he got up at 4am, packed some shirts and told me that he was leaving and going home. He refused to believe he lives here and that I'm his wife.
He said his wife has been gone 3 days and he's not staying here. I persuaded him to stay and just wait for her to come back, that she may have had an emergency or something happened with her family out of town, but he's really upset that she would just up and leave him.
I've been here with him, all day, every day, but he just thinks I'm some woman taking care of him until she returns.
This not knowing who I was happened previously about a month ago for about a week, then one day he asked me a question using my name, and I said, You know who I am? He said, Of course I do, you're my wife. Why are you asking me that?
So all seemed well until Saturday night when he said Sheila put my socks away and I don't have any clean socks. I just looked at him and got the clean socks. Since then, he keeps asking where she is and when she will be back. All of his other conversations and behaviors are for the most part, our new normal.
I am just at a loss as to what to do that would be most helpful and to cause him the least amount of agitation and distress.
We live alone, but he does have adult children who have been less than helpful in the oadt, and actually cause him to be more agitated and distressed.
We have an appointment with his PCP on Monday, but I'm really struggling here to keep him safely indoors until then.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
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One day the Mrs. told me, "You were married to the old me and now I'm a different person and we live together." I agreed. It was one of those unique ALZ moments.
I can believe the brain is capable of creating new 'memories' and capabilities, as well as losing them.
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7 ReactionsI talked my wife into going to a day care program (Easter Seals) by telling her she is volunteering to help some elderly people. that was a few months ago, now she loves to go, even though she can't remember anything she does during the day. She actually looks forward to going.
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6 ReactionsHugs to all of you. Been there, am there, done it all, still doing it.
Just have to concur on the driving. I can’t believe how many people w dementia are still driving!!! But I do because it’s very hard to finally draw that line, but it has to be drawn.
Once the car is sold part of the denial about this horrible disease starts to fade and the reality of the big picture can be dealt with - well sometimes. Again hugs to all.
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6 Reactions@maryvc , so true. We kept my dad’s car but he had no access. Keys were locked in a safe where he had no access. Years previously , he wasn’t supposed to drive not due to dementia, but due to his Conversion Disorder. He said he wouldn’t, but did. We learned then he could not be trusted. I already knew this but my mom wasn’t convinced. After that the keys were locked away.
The fact DMV suspends the license really doesn’t mean anything to a person with dementia. Reasoning and judgment just aren’t there. If DMV does suspend make sure they really don’t drive because auto insurance won’t cover them if there’s a wreck since they aren’t a licensed driver.
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8 ReactionsIt sounds as though you are quite appropriately burnt out. Consider discussing respite care so you can have a few days to a few weeks of rest.
Also, your husband’s age isn’t mentioned but with stage 3 CKD and dementia, he might qualify for hospice care. This might not be something you are willing to consider at this moment so let it ruminate or sit quietly in your head. Perhaps discuss it with doctor m family, trusted friends.
If you could get a social worker or case manager involved I think you would find it invaluable. A little extra care at home I think would go along way in maintaining your mental health.
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4 Reactions@laura1970 Perhaps thinking of Hospice as an additional resource, another person in your circle, rather than a death watch, will make it easier to accept. My mom had hospice nurses coming to the house and supplies (diapers, ensure, cleansing/calming wipes, etc) until she passed from COPD. It took 5 years. When it was time, we called the nurse, and she stayed with the family in the room and was a source of strength for us. She did a magnificent job preparing not only my mom but my siblings and I for that moment.
I believe Medicare pays for hospice and palliative care…at least it did then, not sure about now.
I hope y’all find some peace and joy on this holiday.
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3 Reactions@cyds if I’m correct, Medicare covers hospice under part A ( usually just for hospital services) regardless of where the care is provided, home, hospital, nursing home, etc.
I think the catch is that you give up access to curative therapies. Something to that effect. Medicare.gov is probably a good information source. So is your doctor, perhaps, perhaps not. But that brings up a good point. You might consider switching to a gerontology or palliative care doctor. I’m pretty sure one can have a palliative care doctor regardless of hospice status. They focus on comfort measures and would be a good resource for behavioral strategies.
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3 Reactions@elliottw wow, that's incredible that she said that and somehow knew to share that with you. I believe the brain is capable too, we have to believe and have faith everyday.
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