Hung out with my new friend depression for a day.

@justbill123 You sound so positive with what must be very trying times. And you express yourself so well and with such feeling. Do you have someone that you can talk with? A friend, neighbor, pastor, therapist? I think it would help to pull your thoughts together and then make them work for you. The effort and time you put into keeping the depression away is going to totally wear you out!
Is your wife living at home? How does she handle it when your friend comes calling?
And, what special thing have you got planned for yourself this week?

No I don't see anyone professionally to talk. I do read a lot about psychology, philosophy and navigating this journey on my own. I do share my thoughts on this and another similar chat room and learn a lot from others experiences. When I say depression I don't mean diagnosed clinical depression from a doctor. I mean having a real bad day emotionally. Feeling of hopelessness and despair. Confusion, anger, guilt, negativity. Usually triggered by being overtired. It usually lasts a day and I can hide it pretty well. My wife thinks I am tired and i assure her that is all it is. In order to make this journey sustainable I do something I really enjoy every day. I get up early and exercise. I meditate and do breathing exercises. I obsess on building a perfect golf swing. Those activities provide with the joy I use to keep the negative emotions away. Some days I cannot do those little daily mini vacations I give my mind and body and then that's when I am vulnerable. Thank you for your comment Becky.

I had a friend with repeated brain tumors, and she had a day she called her DDD day (designated, depression, day). One day a month she allowed herself to fully sink into the feelings she was always hiding and/or keeping at arms length. She said this one day gave her the gumption to face all the other days of the month. She didn't schedule it - DDD scheduled itself - along with her permission. On this day she released her tears, anger, disappointment in life's plans, and she was a better person afterwards.
Now, with my sweet hubby's journey with LBD, I find that there is no way to have one of these days because LBD is a sneaky thief that pulls at your heart in unexpected times and places. The only opportunity for the release of emotions is often in the dark of the night, when all is quiet, and even then, he might wake up and start wandering or asking questions, or just want to be held. My tears seem to upset him in a sweet way, but they do not help him on his path. I do realize that this is not real healthy for me, but the choice is not mine as I will probably live longer than he will, and there will be plenty of time to feel deep down hurts that are just waiting to be felt. I have managed to get some help for 6 - 9 hours a week and that gives me moments to get some other things off my plate- mainly dealing with household needs/chores. However, a friend who has lost her husband to LBD, told me that for now, "your time is not your own." I am one that doesn't want to have regrets in this journey- (quite impossible with this thief), so I cry when I am rarely alone, yell on a short drive to some place, or laugh at the amazing memories we have made and treasure the past. My sweet hubby is getting up now - so on to getting the new, mysterious day started. God Bless all of you...and justbill123 - may you have some extra special, happy moments to treasure today.

Wow, this is starting to be me. Every day presents its new challenges. This group is so helpful. I’ve been a “lurker” for the most part, as I tend not to put my feelings out there, so thank you for doing so! In our case, we are just getting started down this path, but changes seem to be happening more frequently. For example, yesterday my husband jotted down a few things we needed from the grocery store. I’m used to his forgetting one or two of them. Two times, he drove right past a store and forgot he had a list in his pocket! When he got home, and I saw no evidence of said grocery items, I just gathered up my keys and quietly said I was going to the grocery store for a few things. He still did not remember he had planned to go! (I did not remind him.) He used to be so very detail-oriented. Take good care of yourself, because no one else can do that.

When I start sinking into depressive thoughts, I like to sing to myself (or at full volume) that old hymn that begins “I serve a risen Savior”. This dementia journey is one of Service- giving yourself to the well-being of another, as best you can as long as you can. Singing that song reminds me this is truly a journey of Service to our loved one. Something like being on an ongoing Mission Trip!
I so agree with all posters that working at Self-care is very important in whatever ways you can find it. I like the DDD idea!

You are not “Justbill”. You are dedication, discipline, love and an extraordinary guy. Thanks for sharing your post. This journey is challenging and you are doing your best - one step at a time.

Hi @justbill123 , I'm caregiver to my husband, formally diagnosed with Alzheimer's in 2019, but I noticed changes in him a couple of years before that. The lows I've faced are mainly related to what will become of us, or him, if something happens to me. We don't have any children. For now, taking care of him is easy. He's still highly functional and generally has a sweet temperment.
Your post reminded me of something I went through years ago. I woke up from knee surgery in excruciating pain. Morphine didn't help. I fought it for a while, then decided to make friends with my pain and accept it. In that situation, it made things easier.
Fast forward about 50 years to your valuable insight. I will keep it with me, for the future, when I need it.
It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Thank youfor sharing this.

Thank you all for your post / replies. I can so relate. And strange as it seems, it feels good to know that I am not alone or going crazy. I hope & pray I have the strength to continue to the end....

This is the first year I failed the depression and anxiety test at my physical. Oh I would get down or not feel motivated for a bit but always was able to pull myself out of the dumps. Now is different. As I live in liminal space, that space between the known and the unknown, I often find myself in tears.
I love the concept of the DDD. I have written about what I call “nervous breakthroughs” and how we can breakdown but come out at the other end with a new way of looking at the world.
I’m not sure what stage we are in, but our financial advisors say you won’t run out of money, but you will run out of time.
So I try to live life as if we have a few more years to travel and enjoy each other. I really thought we would have so much more time.
Well I must go, but so appreciate all of your stories and thank you for sharing.
Today feels like a good day. Saturday I exploded. Thankfully my husband does not take it too hard. I love him so much and hate my reactions some time. That is depressing.