How do you deal with shadowing?

Hi @akela ,

This sounds so sweet but also hard to live with. I am not a fan of medications in general but have seen the benefits with my husband and the loved ones of my local support group.

You might ask your gerontologist or doctor for a prescription for anti-anxiety medication. Our gerontologist prescribed Trazodone for my husband first just to take when going on plane trips. some time after that she prescribed giving him half a pill nightly when he was having recurring sadness -- always thinking about his deceased father. I mention this because I am sure that it is a sadness to you to see him so easily (and likely frequently) upset and scared when he loses track of you. It would be nice to spare him this without takign away other emotions. The Trazodone did this for my husband. (Of course I am sure that there are other anti-anxiety drugs). Once his anxiety over losing you subsides, he may be more comfortable doing activities on his own.

The other thought, in case the close shadowing persists, is to hire someone to simply provide companion care. A friend hired a lovely young lady who took my friend's husband on outings. He loved it, and my friend got some alone time.

All the best to both of you.

Hello Akela,
It sounds to me, after six years of caring for my wife with dementia, as though you are in a situation I wish I had shared with my wife during that time. You may want to reconsider trying to avoid this "shadowing" and take advantage of it instead. There can't be anything more important than sharing what time you have together, while he still is able to appreciate you, and want to be with you. There will probably come a phase when he will not know who you are and ask to go home, or even start to wander away. My wife passed on New Year day this year and I can only dream now of holding her. After 72 years of marriage, she went through a few stages of this terrible disease, but not the one you describe - I would give anything to have more memories of holding and caring for her in her need. As hard as it may be, try to put other things, and other people aside for now, take advantage of the love and attention your husband needs - you will appreciate those times later.

@memoriestomoments
Thank you for the great advice, I will definitely speak with his pcp.

@fred1
I am sorry for your loss, and appreciate you sharing your story. You are right about spending loving time together, and I didn’t even think about the time he might not know me 😢 thank you for your reply and support

@akela09, you'll find additional thoughts in this related discussion:
- Are there any effective ways to deal with shadowing behavior?https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/shadowing/

How are things for you today?

Colleen,
Thank you so much for taking the time to send me the link for additional information on shadowing it was very helpful and informative.
My stepdaughter came and spent a week with her father so I was able to go visit my daughter and get some much needed rest.

I definitely agree with Fred! My wife stays upstairs in an office we have, most of the day, and I have to go check on her because I have no idea what she may do. She may decide to trash all our files or move things where I can't find them. Who knows. Most often, when I am going somewhere, she refuses to get in the car, and I can't leave. I have always gone to all of my grandchildren's ball games. They have four every Saturday. This year, I have missed all but one. She just refuses to go, and it's an argument every time. Not a yelling and screaming argument, but me begging her to go. There is no explaining, begging, or pleading that can get her in the car. If it's something she wants to do, she's fine with going, but she has always hated going to their games, and now she just refuses. I could go without her before, but in the last year, she's gotten to the point where I can't leave her alone. In a perfect world, it would be in between your situation and mine, but we live in an imperfect world as there is. I would definitely trade my situation for yours. I have no idea what Christmas will bring if she doesn't want to go to our family get-together.

jimandkaren,
A little subterfuge is the way to go, in order to avoid arguing about things to do - or not to do. For instance, when wanting to go to a ball game, suggest to your wife taking her somewhere she would like to go - for an ice cream, or pizza - or maybe to the local mall. Along the way, suggest a stop off to see (name of grandchild). Same strategy with the holiday gathering. Mention visiting a favorite relative, a niece, nephew or cousin for instance. The book "The 36 hour day" - is full of very useful advice that you can employ to help you survive this journey. Someone gave me a copy when my wife was first
diagnosed - it would be well worth your time to find a copy - I believe it kept me from falling completely apart for the past 6 years.

Best to you and your wife, stay strong and give her all of the attention and love she needs. You won't regret it!