How to deal with resistance to getting caregiving help?

@gratia: My heart hurts for you as your Mother’s caregiver. This situation was our family’s burden as well, making our Mother’s daily care worse because of her hateful attitude towards those providing assistance. Professional caregivers choose assignments and refuse to work for those who refuse to abide by mutual respect - and I was embarrassed by the nasty behavior our Mother exhibited. There was no excuse, no mental health issue that caused her to treat others badly… only Narcissism and a mistaken belief in being entitled.
I know how those actions and words hurt you. I offer a suggestion you probably will not agree with, but if I were you I would put your Mother in a home (no matter how she objects or that it will take all her money plus any welfare monies she may qualify for).
Otherwise, you are sacrificing your health and happiness for nothing: your Mom will be taken care of and probably will not complain any more than she did today. No one deserves the nightmare of a life you are leading. Your love and devotion to your Mom deserves better treatment to you! You have done a fantastic job providing best care, but this is enough! Love yourself enough to retire from caregiving and concentrate on putting some emotional distance from this impossible situation! It is time!

@gratia, thinking of you today. You need help. But the resistence and fallout you get from your mom when you get help gives you more work and grief. That definitely puts you between the rock and hard spot. Still, it is probably good that you did the research for future reference. If there is one thing that we know about dementia - things constantly change. Hopefully, you can try again. One thing remains - you need support and help.

How are you doing today?

@colleenyoung thank you so much for your note Colleen. I had a good cry yesterday and today I feel ok. We have done a lot of research, so if we get to the tipping point where things are beyond sustainable, at least we know the options. I appreciate you thinking of me. Sending hugs your way.

@gratia I'm so sorry for your grief. Having been raised by a supreme narcissist that later needed to be cared for - physical health issues. She passed in 2019, and my sisters and I have declared on separate occasions, "I wish I missed my mother". My husband used to listen to talk radio and one of his shows was the Laura Shlesinger Show. I dreaded it, and agreed with almost NOTHING she said. The woman was awful... but I digress. I think the ONLY thing she said that I not only agree with, but I followed. Bad parents can lose the parent card with their children. Meaning that once I no longer thought of her as a mother, she could no longer push my buttons. I could talk to her the way I would talk to just anyone. When I threatened to force her to find another place to live if she didn't stop calling me a b*tch in front of my son. Well guess what happened - she stopped calling me names... period... It turned out she did remember and could help it.

I share this to say that supreme narcissists, like both our mothers, think of self survival over everything else. And remember; she knows what buttons to push because she installed them. There is nothing you can do to help your mother if she doesn't believe it serves her survival plans - and your empathy does not help either of you. I don't know your mother or everything going on, or if there are other issues, if narcissists take care of themselves. Period.

Sorry to be so harsh, but after years of work on this, this is where I've arrived, and I am able to heal the lifetime of resentment, self-hatred, imposter syndrome... you name it. My only resentment, is that her plan worked too well. I was in my 40s before starting this work. If I had started in my early adulthood, who knows what I would be doing.

I hope you and your siblings find a place you can feel the freedom I felt, regardless of what happens to your mother. You should know that you did EVERYTHING and so much more for her than perhaps you should have. My only suggestion is that you perhaps give her her parent card back (figuratively), get to where you can let her know her options, calmly, and let her know you mean it. See what happens...

@cyds good morning, thank you so much for your considerate and thoughtful reply.

The thing is, at this point, I don’t even know if it is narcissism or just the dementia. I’m so tired, my mind is a bit messy to say the least.
I’m going to take a break, fortunately, and my sister will cover for two weeks. (I need to go sort out my life, where I abandoned it. Hoping that with rest and distance I can get some clarity.
Honestly, I left home when I was 17, and although I came back to visit frequently, I never stayed that long. I kept myself to myself, and built my life on my own..not without a lot of difficulty & detouring. But at least it was mine & I own my choices.

Being back here, I feel very confused. I don’t want to harbor resentments and I know this chapter is not forever. So we will continue on the journey and I will shore up my boundaries and keep myself as intact as possible.
Thank you again, for thinking about this and giving such a personal reply. I greatly appreciate it!

@cyds: YOU GOT IT! Unfortunately I am facing the truth that there are WAY too many children of Narcissists who are suffering from the treatment they received growing up. Everyone instinctively wants to help their aging parent, but unfortunately ends up living like Gratia. I hope she realizes she is stronger than she thinks she is. It takes real strength to confront a narcissist parent. She has to dig down to bolster her self-esteem & love herself! Best…