@gratia I'm so sorry for your grief. Having been raised by a supreme narcissist that later needed to be cared for - physical health issues. She passed in 2019, and my sisters and I have declared on separate occasions, "I wish I missed my mother". My husband used to listen to talk radio and one of his shows was the Laura Shlesinger Show. I dreaded it, and agreed with almost NOTHING she said. The woman was awful... but I digress. I think the ONLY thing she said that I not only agree with, but I followed. Bad parents can lose the parent card with their children. Meaning that once I no longer thought of her as a mother, she could no longer push my buttons. I could talk to her the way I would talk to just anyone. When I threatened to force her to find another place to live if she didn't stop calling me a b*tch in front of my son. Well guess what happened - she stopped calling me names... period... It turned out she did remember and could help it.

I share this to say that supreme narcissists, like both our mothers, think of self survival over everything else. And remember; she knows what buttons to push because she installed them. There is nothing you can do to help your mother if she doesn't believe it serves her survival plans - and your empathy does not help either of you. I don't know your mother or everything going on, or if there are other issues, if narcissists take care of themselves. Period.

Sorry to be so harsh, but after years of work on this, this is where I've arrived, and I am able to heal the lifetime of resentment, self-hatred, imposter syndrome... you name it. My only resentment, is that her plan worked too well. I was in my 40s before starting this work. If I had started in my early adulthood, who knows what I would be doing.

I hope you and your siblings find a place you can feel the freedom I felt, regardless of what happens to your mother. You should know that you did EVERYTHING and so much more for her than perhaps you should have. My only suggestion is that you perhaps give her her parent card back (figuratively), get to where you can let her know her options, calmly, and let her know you mean it. See what happens...