Guilt Towards Family Due To Mental Illness

@tonbop I can imagine how you feel. I feel guilt because of my depression, I see how it affects my wife and my son. My doctors keeps telling me that it is not my fault I'm like this and in my mind I know it's like that. But when I see my wife worrying about me, or feeling frustrated because she can't help me, I feel guilt. We should remember that none of us didn't choose to be ill. It is like we have broken arm; we need to accept that we have currently some limitations, we will not go to play basketball then. And with mental illness we have again different kind of limitations. It is important to know and to feel that it is not our fault. But it is very easy to say it, much harder to believe it. I feel constantly guilty that I'm like this, I am just an additional burden to my wife.

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When guilt attacks I try to tell myself that the guilt is the depression masquerading itself as guilt. Depression wears many disguises and as much as I don't like to admit thus-it is an illness. Aarrgghh, sounds so disgustingly weak and pathetic. For those of us with depression we are constantly waging war with the venom that comes from the illness. I prefer to label depression as an illness and not a disease. I am currently in one of my dark phases and for no real reason. I get angry with what I view as a weakness. The very fact that those of us that struggle with depression are still in the battle says we are stronger than we sometimes realize. I also have chronic pain (what a yuck word) and everything else has been labeled hence in my gloriously mundane chart of maladies. Yup, the sarcasm and cynicism have once again taken the leading role.
Now if that was not a lot of talking in nonsensical circles-happens. On the bright side, my ear lobes do not hurt.
@hopeful33250 My profile picture is the design for my Christmas card this year. The title is, "I'll Be Home For Christmas". Rather sums things up. Adding the image in it's entirely without the circular distortion.

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I deeply hear you ... very deeply. My grief and guilt about the impact of depression on my youngest daughter and husband was immense. It still throbs, but with far les gusto.

Depression often lacks overt signs of illness to which others can readily connect. It is isolation that seeks isolation.

The first really helpful comment I bathed in - luxuriously - was a psychiatrist who told me, “Your kids were baked before depression came crashing. That doesn't mean they have no needs; that doesn't mean they understand, but don’t beat yourself up for an illnes thst is encumbering you”.

As for my husband - he is a stoic, kind man. He does not freely offer anything less than optimism. That said, it was clear he suffered. My capacity to help at home diminished to very little. I asked him constantly and forever how he was doing, and he was always upbeat - he was “fine” and simply worried about me.

I learned a few years into major depression that his struggling and angst for my struggles was immense. I understand why - I asked - but he was cconcerned that if he spoke negatively, I would tailspin.

What I needed most was the truth. He is now getting help from a separate psychologist. We share are thoughts openly and honestly. Our marriage is good - very good - after eight years of major depression.

I guess my thoughts - based on what I have experienced - is to (despite the constant pull of mental illness), do all you can to understand, deeply, the thoughts of your husband. Include him in your own therapy from time-to-time.

If the roles were reversed, and your were your child or husband - what would you be feeling, thinking, feeling? Is there something in those thoughts that would allow you to create “touch points” each day - a hug, a note, a surprise, a listening mind?

It is Hell to have mental illness. It is “near Hell” to watch someone you love suffer. It is a forum for torn relationships if all parties are not attentive. It creates a sense of feeling “depressed for your depression” - the doubleness of illness.

I would love to see a post of what you CAN and DO do for your kids and husband. It is clear (and true), that depression saps capacity ... but usually, not ALL of it. How do you, or can you use the power within to give yourself credit for the many good things you are able to do?

Jump to this post

When guilt attacks I try to tell myself that the guilt is the depression masquerading itself as guilt. Depression wears many disguises and as much as I don't like to admit thus-it is an illness. Aarrgghh, sounds so disgustingly weak and pathetic. For those of us with depression we are constantly waging war with the venom that comes from the illness. I prefer to label depression as an illness and not a disease. I am currently in one of my dark phases and for no real reason. I get angry with what I view as a weakness. The very fact that those of us that struggle with depression are still in the battle says we are stronger than we sometimes realize. I also have chronic pain (what a yuck word) and everything else has been labeled hence in my gloriously mundane chart of maladies. Yup, the sarcasm and cynicism have once again taken the leading role.
Now if that was not a lot of talking in nonsensical circles-happens. On the bright side, my ear lobes do not hurt.
@hopeful33250 My profile picture is the design for my Christmas card this year. The title is, "I'll Be Home For Christmas". Rather sums things up. Adding the image in it's entirely without the circular distortion.

Jump to this post

When guilt attacks I try to tell myself that the guilt is the depression masquerading itself as guilt. Depression wears many disguises and as much as I don't like to admit thus-it is an illness. Aarrgghh, sounds so disgustingly weak and pathetic. For those of us with depression we are constantly waging war with the venom that comes from the illness. I prefer to label depression as an illness and not a disease. I am currently in one of my dark phases and for no real reason. I get angry with what I view as a weakness. The very fact that those of us that struggle with depression are still in the battle says we are stronger than we sometimes realize. I also have chronic pain (what a yuck word) and everything else has been labeled hence in my gloriously mundane chart of maladies. Yup, the sarcasm and cynicism have once again taken the leading role.
Now if that was not a lot of talking in nonsensical circles-happens. On the bright side, my ear lobes do not hurt.
@hopeful33250 My profile picture is the design for my Christmas card this year. The title is, "I'll Be Home For Christmas". Rather sums things up. Adding the image in it's entirely without the circular distortion.

Jump to this post

I deeply hear you ... very deeply. My grief and guilt about the impact of depression on my youngest daughter and husband was immense. It still throbs, but with far les gusto.

Depression often lacks overt signs of illness to which others can readily connect. It is isolation that seeks isolation.

The first really helpful comment I bathed in - luxuriously - was a psychiatrist who told me, “Your kids were baked before depression came crashing. That doesn't mean they have no needs; that doesn't mean they understand, but don’t beat yourself up for an illnes thst is encumbering you”.

As for my husband - he is a stoic, kind man. He does not freely offer anything less than optimism. That said, it was clear he suffered. My capacity to help at home diminished to very little. I asked him constantly and forever how he was doing, and he was always upbeat - he was “fine” and simply worried about me.

I learned a few years into major depression that his struggling and angst for my struggles was immense. I understand why - I asked - but he was cconcerned that if he spoke negatively, I would tailspin.

What I needed most was the truth. He is now getting help from a separate psychologist. We share are thoughts openly and honestly. Our marriage is good - very good - after eight years of major depression.

I guess my thoughts - based on what I have experienced - is to (despite the constant pull of mental illness), do all you can to understand, deeply, the thoughts of your husband. Include him in your own therapy from time-to-time.

If the roles were reversed, and your were your child or husband - what would you be feeling, thinking, feeling? Is there something in those thoughts that would allow you to create “touch points” each day - a hug, a note, a surprise, a listening mind?

It is Hell to have mental illness. It is “near Hell” to watch someone you love suffer. It is a forum for torn relationships if all parties are not attentive. It creates a sense of feeling “depressed for your depression” - the doubleness of illness.

I would love to see a post of what you CAN and DO do for your kids and husband. It is clear (and true), that depression saps capacity ... but usually, not ALL of it. How do you, or can you use the power within to give yourself credit for the many good things you are able to do?

Jump to this post