Grief and Childlessness: Can't have my own

Posted by 16cats @16cats, Dec 28, 2011

had hysterectomy 21/2 yrs. married 19 yrs. no kids being treated for major depression cannot move out of the grief of never having had my own children and feel like the grief will kill me. Need help with the pain I’m drowning in.

Obtain care from a trained professional. Grief /loss is a difficult emotion that we all deal with in our life, but if you are not progressing through the stages of it , it is time to seek out professional help and or a support group.
The loss of the womb is difficult for many women. Discussing this with others that have similar emotions/experiences may help, your not alone.

Liked by sweetlady1155

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What I’ve learned: depression is one of the burdens of intelligence. So is sensitivity. I guess the big question for those of us prone to depression is “What are we supposed to do with our feelings?!” It looks to me like the previous writers explained what worked for them. That’s fine, as long as no one gets preachy! Have you read Scott Peck’s “The Road Less Travelled?” It helped me.

Liked by sweetlady1155

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you have a lot going on…grief, depression and hysterectomy – I can not imagine. I have found that my depression is rooted in my physical ailments and now they go hand and hand. writing about it helps me and knowing that i am not alone. i have been searching for solutions and places to connect. this site is good and i am glad i found it. i also spend time at treatmentdiaries…also helpful. i hope yoiu get the support you so deperately need!

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I just lost the love of my life. Does anyone have any experience with this? I feel like I’m dying too; all the usual textbook symptoms. I live in a small town in the South with no support at all. I hope to find anonymous support via this website. “Is there anybody out there?” Please, please, I don’t want to talk about Jesus. I’m Catholic and I am “saved” and have a “church home”. I just want to connect with someone who is going through the same thing.

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@lilf

I just lost the love of my life. Does anyone have any experience with this? I feel like I’m dying too; all the usual textbook symptoms. I live in a small town in the South with no support at all. I hope to find anonymous support via this website. “Is there anybody out there?” Please, please, I don’t want to talk about Jesus. I’m Catholic and I am “saved” and have a “church home”. I just want to connect with someone who is going through the same thing.

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I feel your pain. Grief is so hard to handle by itself, but add in depression, and the emotions are almost too much to handle. The grief of losing my 19 year old cat sent me spinning into depression. I was already dealing with the fact that my husband lost his job, we lost our house, were having to move across country so my husband could take another job, had to sell many of our belongings before we moved, and now end up in a small condo that I hate. I felt like dying. Therefore, I immediately sought help. I’ve found another psychiatrist who has added another med to those that I am taking. I’m also going to consider grief therapy. You are not alone in what you are feeling. The pain is so intense, I know. Crying is a good release. You really have to feel the pain in order to get through this, but there is help. All you must be thinking is please make the pain stop. It will get easier with time. It will. Keep sharing with those that understand, like people on this board. It will get easier with time.

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read Lisa Osteens book “You were made for More”, you will like it ! She wasn’t able to have children of her own, she adopted her children.

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Hi. I’m new to this group. I never had children either and I often think about how my life would’ve been so different. You are not alone.

Liked by joan

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@alabamanutcase

Hi. I’m new to this group. I never had children either and I often think about how my life would’ve been so different. You are not alone.

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Hi @alabamanutcase, welcome to Connect. You’ve posted to a discussion thread that has been inactive for some time now, however the topic is still very current. Thank you for bringing it to the foreground again.

alabamanutcase, we look forward to getting to know more about you. Did you decide not to have children or did circumstances make that choice for you?

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I’m new as well and would like to keep this topic going. I never had children of my own, but I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, and 1 we adopted. I now have 7 grandkids and 2 great-grandkids. To me family doesn’t have to be blood to be family. There are so many kids out there that wish they had someone to care for or about them. I came from a broken home, and watched what fighting can does to kids. I never thought I would marry, but I found this wonderful man, and we have been married for 24 years. He had some baggage, which included 2 kids and an EX, but he was worth it all. I had issues and ended up having a hysterectomy about 10 years ago, never having any children. Yes I often wonder what ‘our’ children would be like, but then I remember ‘we’ have 3. If you want to have children there are many ways to make that a reality.

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@micheleinok

I’m new as well and would like to keep this topic going. I never had children of my own, but I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, and 1 we adopted. I now have 7 grandkids and 2 great-grandkids. To me family doesn’t have to be blood to be family. There are so many kids out there that wish they had someone to care for or about them. I came from a broken home, and watched what fighting can does to kids. I never thought I would marry, but I found this wonderful man, and we have been married for 24 years. He had some baggage, which included 2 kids and an EX, but he was worth it all. I had issues and ended up having a hysterectomy about 10 years ago, never having any children. Yes I often wonder what ‘our’ children would be like, but then I remember ‘we’ have 3. If you want to have children there are many ways to make that a reality.

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Hello, @micheleinok. Glad you’ve joined us on Mayo Clinic Connect. I thought you might like to meet some other members here on Connect who have talked about a variety of challenges with being able to have children, like @cnesselroad, @carebear, @susanrko, @marield65. They may have some thoughts for you.

If you feel comfortable, will you share with us about what issues prompted the need to have a hysterectomy?

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@micheleinok

I’m new as well and would like to keep this topic going. I never had children of my own, but I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, and 1 we adopted. I now have 7 grandkids and 2 great-grandkids. To me family doesn’t have to be blood to be family. There are so many kids out there that wish they had someone to care for or about them. I came from a broken home, and watched what fighting can does to kids. I never thought I would marry, but I found this wonderful man, and we have been married for 24 years. He had some baggage, which included 2 kids and an EX, but he was worth it all. I had issues and ended up having a hysterectomy about 10 years ago, never having any children. Yes I often wonder what ‘our’ children would be like, but then I remember ‘we’ have 3. If you want to have children there are many ways to make that a reality.

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@micheleinok

I appreciate your post, because I see that you have chose to count your blessings rather than dwell on that which is missing. Gratitude for what we have is an important way to deal with any loss. Thank you for sharing this important thought.

Teresa

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@micheleinok

I’m new as well and would like to keep this topic going. I never had children of my own, but I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, and 1 we adopted. I now have 7 grandkids and 2 great-grandkids. To me family doesn’t have to be blood to be family. There are so many kids out there that wish they had someone to care for or about them. I came from a broken home, and watched what fighting can does to kids. I never thought I would marry, but I found this wonderful man, and we have been married for 24 years. He had some baggage, which included 2 kids and an EX, but he was worth it all. I had issues and ended up having a hysterectomy about 10 years ago, never having any children. Yes I often wonder what ‘our’ children would be like, but then I remember ‘we’ have 3. If you want to have children there are many ways to make that a reality.

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I had multiple Fibroid tumors, they caused all sorts of issues. I tried medication, depo shot, they suggested ablation, but were doubtful of the outcome. I opted after, long discussions with my Hubby, to have the surgery. It was sad but at the same time relieving of symptoms. It wasn’t a total removal, so hormones were not required. Hubby was very supportive through all of it, and even now. I know he wanted at least 1 of ‘ours’, but that wasn’t meant to be. When his kids came to live with us, it was very hard at first. Major adjustment for me, and them. I was raised in a very stern household ran by my Step-mom. I hate that word (Step). Dad and Mom had one child, my brother Scott. So I was raised in a mixture of steps, half’s, and so-on. I always felt like the odd one out, never really accepted. This is probably why I keep reaching out to family to keep what little bond I have still viable.

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@micheleinok

You seem to have a great deal of insight into yourself, that is so good.

Teresa

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Hello @16 cats

I also am unable to have a baby naturally. We have been trying for 5 years. During Fertility acupuncture it was suggested that I get hormone tests. Two weeks after that I was getting brain sigery to partially resect a meningioma aka brain tumor. That was two years ago. I feel your pain it is a constant battle in your head that not everyone can understand. Finally accepting that a child was not a possibility for me was debilitating. I went through months and months of depression and self hatred. My father was diagnosed with cancer that year as well, so I was facing feelings of helplessness and just hating myself. I am also a step mom so I am greatful I have my boys in my life to keep me busy and give my life purpose. It can feel almost like your less of a women by society’s standards, your friends, husband, and family members can not relate to the feeling of loss you feel. Depression can be managed but sometimes it’s hard to put on a happy face when you don’t feel particularly happy. One day I decided that though my genes will die with me, I will not give up on my main goal in life and that was to provide nurturing, care, and encouragement for the people that I love. You do not have to give birth to provide life. I became a bone marrow donor, and kidney donor. I can do these things without hurting my family and I can still give life, my life to help someone live. Please understand that you are not alone and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Your life has value. Wishing and sending you strength and love to fight this battle. As i know from personal experience it can be devastating

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@micheleinok

I’m new as well and would like to keep this topic going. I never had children of my own, but I have 2 kids from a previous marriage, and 1 we adopted. I now have 7 grandkids and 2 great-grandkids. To me family doesn’t have to be blood to be family. There are so many kids out there that wish they had someone to care for or about them. I came from a broken home, and watched what fighting can does to kids. I never thought I would marry, but I found this wonderful man, and we have been married for 24 years. He had some baggage, which included 2 kids and an EX, but he was worth it all. I had issues and ended up having a hysterectomy about 10 years ago, never having any children. Yes I often wonder what ‘our’ children would be like, but then I remember ‘we’ have 3. If you want to have children there are many ways to make that a reality.

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Hello Micheleinok
This is creeping me out. Lol. I used to hate the word step to! Also can’t have kids naturally but have had step kids for a while now. It’s a very hard job, because the decisions and scheduled are made between the biological parents. I feel for you it can get hectic. As much as they push your buttons, then they do something cute and I am all googly eyed again. Lol

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