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jsparks

Feedback wanted, never shared most of this to anyone... until today...

Posted by @jsparks in Men's Health, May 11, 2012

first off today I decided to return to my job at time of fatal crash that left me with ptsd, pain and just horible situation, and so today was my last day before I lost the right to demand rehire, and they bastards actually turned me down, which helps me in many ways, also means more time of boredum and possibly more tim to loose the progress I have made..


basically I suffered silently with mental health issues since second grade. but due to my fear of peoples reactions I held it in, but I clearly remember suicidal thoughts starting when I was 8 years old.... And I saw some statistics not long ago, and seems like I am a very rare survivor of children with suicidal tendencies. I just recently started seeking help, and its been what I feared a very long, painful, embarrassing, and expensive process so far and I still don't know for sure my "Diagnosis" one doctor said I resemble a cuter that don't cut.. and I laughed and said well I can't see blood or I pass out... So when I smoked pot, for the first time I actually felt normal... my mom which is anti pot extreme will ever agree my grades, my moods and my quality of life improved. Since then I have been from one drug to the next with each time ending in treatment, and then few months later I hit a wall and start doing the next worse drug... after all of this pain, a lot of horrible events, I am at this fork in the road. I was pretty much fired today when I went to get my job back that I was injured at.... So basically I got a fresh start and my fear is the next drug... only one left and I wont go that route, so I really am considering going back to pot, legally. I have talked to my pastor and parents and both agree that they don't approve because of i "not obeying the laws of the land" but if I am legal they approved... K well I have rambled on an on but regardless if it makes sense it sure was nice to get it all out... SO my question is based on opinions, beliefs and morals is it a bad idea for me to view pot as medicine and not a drug? Please be open I really want to see all views on this. I want to be-able to say I saw all sides of this before I acted, I do not want to feel guilt or remorse later

Tags: bipolar disorder, suicide issues, mental health, mens health, addiction, cronic pain, Anxiety, diagnosis, treatment, side effect, single parent

China likes this
piglit

Posted by @piglit, May 11, 2012

Hi Thanks for feeling okay to tell your story. This is where this site is so great that we can voice our opionins and not be judgemental at all. I feel that maybe it wasn't a good situation for you to return to wrok if you suffered such trauma there, although not good that the employers didn't allow you to come back. Unfortunatley, this stigma seems to be ongoing and unless we make a stand this as you know will continue. If you have been dependant on drugs to ease the pain and I can see that youv'e had more than you fair share, do you feel that to take another is a good move to make? I don't consider myself to think that
pot is okay only because when I was about 20 I started using and became reliant on it and saw to many people never get over the use. In my day was the 70's a fun era in many ways although the only drugs obtainalbe was pot , lsd, heroin. I stopped taking the weed as I was well aware of the dependency. However on saying that and if it is legal in the states and gives you relief who am I too judge. I would say though to think of your beautiful little boy, who you obviously adore. Rely on him to give you the ongoing strength that you need. I too have experienced anxiety from a really young age and depression later in life. We just have to believe in ouselves really. You are young take the opportunities that will come your way. I don't beleive that you will feel guilt or remorse because I think that you will make the right cchoice for you. Thanks for sharing once again its' great just to talk sometimes, beleive me it helps. Please stay in touch we are a caring bunch here and help each other as much as we can. Take care Piglit

jsparks

Posted by @jsparks, May 11, 2012

Thank you Piglit, well your right, my boy when he is with me I have the time of my life, he is with me 15 days a month, worked hard for that and thankful! And The work, yes your right I shouldn't be there so thats why I am thankful they don't want me, I was going to return to prove I could but ya it would have been huge mistake. but that my job was not available and I didn't quit I will be able to get unemployment at least so I got time to find work, but I just am tired of being coped up all day, so I want to at least start volunteering. And on the sharing, I LOVE THIS SITE, because I can get things out thats once I say it, it almost frees me of that stress, and its to people that possibly relate and that I don't have to worry about face to face embarrassing encounters. So for that I appreciate you guys soooo much, just in the couple days I have been posting, I have freed myself of a lot of pent up frustration!!

piglit

Posted by @piglit, May 11, 2012

Hi again volunteering sounds such a good idea. I did some of that when I was looking for work. Don't worry something will come up and it will be just what youv'e been looking for. I.m glad that you have come on board with us and that's it's helped you. It is great will all support each other. Take care Piglit

china

Posted by @china, May 11, 2012

Whoa. Thanks 4 sharing. U sound like a miracle so u should feel like ur blessed. Sorry u had sad times. You came 2 the right place cause there are cool people here.I have depression n at times trouble sleeping. I deal w it. I try 2 keep busy. Glad you're still with us.

jsparks

Posted by @jsparks, May 14, 2012

well, have my appointment to see a good psychiatrist the 17 and now the insurance com7pany scheduled a ime with a another one 10 days later.... one is hard enough now I gotta also defend myself .. and later that day I meet with a second ime a neurosurgeon, I am very nervous due to all the war stories around. I have nothing to hide but they work against me for some crazy reason our system allows that.... anyone got advice dealing with "independant" medical examiners?

piglit

Posted by @piglit, May 14, 2012

Just say it as it is. Tell them all that's been going on and what youve been through Take care Piglit

lizkat

Posted by @lizkat, May 14, 2012

Make sure that you tell them what the issues are for you in detail. When I was examined for disability the damn doc never asked me what hurt and then documented that I had no pain. Insurance whores...
LizKat

roxie43

Posted by @roxie43, May 15, 2012

Hi Momentum,
Loving the picture!
Rox

roxie43

Posted by @roxie43, May 17, 2012

Best of luck dear. I hope it all works out for you ...
Rox

jsparks

Posted by @jsparks, May 22, 2012

WELL UPDATE, yes, this was a huge day for me, a day I actually started to take control, starters both IME's are CANCELED!! I also sought out for the first time, some state assistance, do to this financial hole I am in due to no fault of my own, So called human services told them brief financial burdens, after she checked out my story she told me to come down there will be a food card waiting, I qualified for the max lol 376 dollars a month for food, today I got 150 to cover rst of the month so for the first time in almost a year, since my car accident---- I HAVE A FULL FRIDGE AND PANTRY!!!!!!!! it was amazing to be able to buy like I used to and actually provide my son with choices on meals, I bought good healthy stuff with few treats. also got some references and ideas to get help with rent until my unemployment starts up.!!! I would like to THANK YOU PEOPLE, YOU GUYS THAT JUST GAVE ME THE encouragement to just try, and put myself in risk of embarrassment, for the chance at gaining a little bit of my quality of life back. I just been amazed at the huge progress I have made in a short time, before you guys insp9red me, I would just stay in bed and isolate myself, just had to let you guys know the impact you have had on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jsparks

Posted by @jsparks, May 22, 2012

WELL UPDATE, yes, this was a huge day for me, a day I actually started to take control, starters both IME's are CANCELED!! I also sought out for the first time, some state assistance, do to this financial hole I am in due to no fault of my own, So called human services told them brief financial burdens, after she checked out my story she told me to come down there will be a food card waiting, I qualified for the max lol 376 dollars a month for food, today I got 150 to cover rst of the month so for the first time in almost a year, since my car accident---- I HAVE A FULL FRIDGE AND PANTRY!!!!!!!! it was amazing to be able to buy like I used to and actually provide my son with choices on meals, I bought good healthy stuff with few treats. also got some references and ideas to get help with rent until my unemployment starts up.!!! I would like to THANK YOU PEOPLE, YOU GUYS THAT JUST GAVE ME THE encouragement to just try, and put myself in risk of embarrassment, for the chance at gaining a little bit of my quality of life back. I just been amazed at the huge progress I have made in a short time, before you guys insp9red me, I would just stay in bed and isolate myself, just had to let you guys know the impact you have had on me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Roxie43 likes this
piglit

Posted by @piglit, May 22, 2012

Hi J that's such great news, so very proud of you. You have made my day. We may have encouraged you but your'e the one that did all the work to get this into action. This is so wonderful. When we were talking yesterday remember when you said tommorrow will be even better, well what do you know dreams do come true. Stay positive my dear friend and I.m just so happy for you the beginnings of great things to come. Always here if you need me Talk soon Piglit

jsparks

Posted by @jsparks, May 22, 2012

thankyou, as I get ready for bed, I can just sit here and relax knowing I did all I could today, saw some progress, and I know there will be more everyday, I am really gonna challenge myself to grow daily, everyday I wish to learn something new or do something that furthers my life in someway.. Thanks to youtube I have endless possibilities

piglit

Posted by @piglit, May 22, 2012

Thanks great, When we take on challenges and succeed and you have achieved today my friend. Have a good night;s sleep Will talk later Piglit

roxie43

Posted by @roxie43, May 23, 2012

So proud of you! Your welcome and I hope you continue being blessed and believing in yourself...
Hugs,
Rox

roxie43

Posted by @roxie43, May 26, 2012

Try to enjoy this holiday weekend!
Rox

jsparks

Posted by @jsparks, May 28, 2012

oh I sure am, and I hope you are doing the same!!

China likes this
piglit

Posted by @piglit, May 28, 2012

Hi great to hear from you again

china

Posted by @china, May 28, 2012

Had my share of winners. U have 2 be chosier now.

china

Posted by @china, May 30, 2012

U doing alright

jsparks

Posted by @jsparks, Jun 17, 2012

Well doctors appointment was a waste of time, he had no answers for me just more questions. So where do you go for help when the best doctor you can find don't even know, he did say a few surprising comments in the report, he said I don't seem paranoid, delusional or suicidal at all... LOL ya he is sure thorough... And at another point said I may be faking ptsd symptoms for possible financial gains!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?!?!?! 21 page report and it has seriously NO ANSWERS just states the obvious... ARGGGGGGGG sorry just have to vent I am sooooo frustrated and just can't figure out what to do now, sure don't look good.. but maybe something will happen soon some door has to open up eventually

roxie43

Posted by @roxie43, Jun 17, 2012

Dear,
You are worth every effort so please don't give up. Yes, things beyond our control can disappoint us but we have to keep trying.
Hugs,
Rox

piglit

Posted by @piglit, Jun 17, 2012

Hi J stay strong my friend I know that you can. Also watch the language or you will be flagged Take care Piglti

jsparks

Posted by @jsparks, Jun 18, 2012

very sorry, I just just on a rant, no excuse, but thankyou for calling me on it!!!

piglit

Posted by @piglit, Jun 18, 2012

no worries and thanks for the flowers just what I needed today

neverceasing

Posted by @neverceasing, Jun 18, 2012

I know it is easy to say, but keep your cool, stay strong, and a door will open. I am sure you are frustrated at times, but never give up. Most of all, keep the faith.

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