Family matters

Posted by twinkie @twinkie, Mon, Nov 25 6:18pm

In the past three days I've "lost" my son and daughter because they don't understand my mental illness. So, so sad.

Hi, @twinkie – that sounds very difficult feeling like you've "lost" your kids cause you don't feel like they understand your mental illness.

I'd like to introduce you to @ayeshasharma @sandij @healthytoday @parus and @peach414144, who've been part of the mental health groups on Mayo Clinic Connect and may have some insights into being misunderstood with a mental health or other illness.

Will you share what your diagnosis is, if you feel comfortable? What was said (or unsaid) that made you feel as though they don't understand your diagnosis?

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I have major depression, PTSD, borderline personality and anxiety. I've attempted major suicide three times in 7 years and they (my children) take it as affront against them. When it's the opposite, I stay alive for them. They say I dont love them unconditionally and I judge them, which isn't true. Now I'm left alone for the holidays for no family. Dreading Thanksgiving for fear that my impulsivity will cause me to respond to thoughts of suicide and self harm. I'm so sad and worried.

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@twinkie

I have major depression, PTSD, borderline personality and anxiety. I've attempted major suicide three times in 7 years and they (my children) take it as affront against them. When it's the opposite, I stay alive for them. They say I dont love them unconditionally and I judge them, which isn't true. Now I'm left alone for the holidays for no family. Dreading Thanksgiving for fear that my impulsivity will cause me to respond to thoughts of suicide and self harm. I'm so sad and worried.

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@twinkie Thank you for reaching out to us here at Mayo Connect. It takes a lot of courage to put down on a screen the things you have told us. Would you be comfortable sharing what therapies you have done for your diagnoses of mental issues? I also work everyday with my own depression and anxiety. You know, so many of us struggle this time of year, and when we have underlying concerns, they seem to stack up, don't they? Family members are often scared about what to do/how to help, so they lash out or ignore. Your children are missing out by not being at your side. I don't know where you live, but is there any other family around, or friends you can turn to? Any faith community that you can involve yourself in, or join for the holiday? Please reconsider carefully before acting impulsively. 1-800-273-8255 is the National Suicide Prevention hotline. I hope you will continue to reach out here to us. We care.
Ginger

Liked by Lisa Lucier

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Thank you for your reply. I have had talk therapy for years. Most recently I have met with the same therap8for five years and really trust her. It's just that I've lost my kids and I feel so sad. No other family around. Just myself. Worried worrirf.

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@twinkie

I have major depression, PTSD, borderline personality and anxiety. I've attempted major suicide three times in 7 years and they (my children) take it as affront against them. When it's the opposite, I stay alive for them. They say I dont love them unconditionally and I judge them, which isn't true. Now I'm left alone for the holidays for no family. Dreading Thanksgiving for fear that my impulsivity will cause me to respond to thoughts of suicide and self harm. I'm so sad and worried.

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Hi, @twinkie – another Connect member I'd really like you to meet is @jimhd, who has also spoken about major depression and suicide attempts. Hoping he can help provide support at this time when you are feeling sad and as though you've lost your children because they don't understand your mental illness.

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@lisalucier

Hi, @twinkie – another Connect member I'd really like you to meet is @jimhd, who has also spoken about major depression and suicide attempts. Hoping he can help provide support at this time when you are feeling sad and as though you've lost your children because they don't understand your mental illness.

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May I please write a most very special problem I am living with. When I realized my husband was on many drugs not prescribed by a doctor, and then my friends and neighbors came to tell me, he is peeping tom in their windows, (two neighbors), then another neighbor friend told me she saw him jerking off in his car while watching women walking by I started to look into his belongings. A special trunk of his that was always locked I found open. Naturally I looked into the trunk. After seeing much pornography I then found the child pornography. I knew there was something wrong but my husband would not speak of this at all. Never. And with many, many other reason I decoded to leave my husband. With three children a six month old baby girl, a two year old boy who was born with a double cleft lip and palate and a five year old girl. With absolutely no family to help me on both sides. How we lived and struggled to survive is a book in itself. All these years I have kept this from my children. I never received a dime from their father for their support just to keep this information from them..I did not want them to know all these ugly things of their father. Now here is the kicker. My oldest says their lives would have been so much better if their father would have been in their lives; So therefore she and her brother and sister will not talk to me, see me or anything. Help me here people: If I tell them about their father I do not think they will believe me. They will think I am making this all up just to be with them. I am very tempted to tell them. Should I write them a letter of this? Might be better than being hung up on and not getting the message across or just continue on "All alone am I". (Very embarrased in Ocala).

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@peach414144 . Hi. It was good to hear your situation and we, on this forum, are always here for whatever input we can give. I'm sure you're going to have folks here suggest going over this issue with a counselor. That would be a good start. For me, personally, I have gone to professionals before making these kind of decisions. I myself would not make the decision you're trying to make without good, sincere, objective input from someone who deals with such trauma. Again, you are so welcome here. The only "rule " is YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEEL EMBARRASSED. Blessings.

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@georgette12

@peach414144 . Hi. It was good to hear your situation and we, on this forum, are always here for whatever input we can give. I'm sure you're going to have folks here suggest going over this issue with a counselor. That would be a good start. For me, personally, I have gone to professionals before making these kind of decisions. I myself would not make the decision you're trying to make without good, sincere, objective input from someone who deals with such trauma. Again, you are so welcome here. The only "rule " is YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEEL EMBARRASSED. Blessings.

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Dear Georgette, Thsnk Yoy. Peach

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@georgette12

@peach414144 . Hi. It was good to hear your situation and we, on this forum, are always here for whatever input we can give. I'm sure you're going to have folks here suggest going over this issue with a counselor. That would be a good start. For me, personally, I have gone to professionals before making these kind of decisions. I myself would not make the decision you're trying to make without good, sincere, objective input from someone who deals with such trauma. Again, you are so welcome here. The only "rule " is YOU NEVER HAVE TO FEEL EMBARRASSED. Blessings.

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Dear people all of you. Thank you, and yes I have been going to a psychiatrist for many years about this and other things. I am alone and it does help especially now because I am 82 years old and I now am legally blind. Cannot drive any more and I live alone. My friends are either deceased or in assisted living. Of which I do not want to go into assisted living. I know to much about it as I was there and left to be here in my house with my chihuwawa and red cat. My passion is to help other people and to help them to help themselves. What a wonderful feeling that is. My wish is to some how get this very true message to my children Some how.

Liked by Lisa Lucier

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@peach414144

May I please write a most very special problem I am living with. When I realized my husband was on many drugs not prescribed by a doctor, and then my friends and neighbors came to tell me, he is peeping tom in their windows, (two neighbors), then another neighbor friend told me she saw him jerking off in his car while watching women walking by I started to look into his belongings. A special trunk of his that was always locked I found open. Naturally I looked into the trunk. After seeing much pornography I then found the child pornography. I knew there was something wrong but my husband would not speak of this at all. Never. And with many, many other reason I decoded to leave my husband. With three children a six month old baby girl, a two year old boy who was born with a double cleft lip and palate and a five year old girl. With absolutely no family to help me on both sides. How we lived and struggled to survive is a book in itself. All these years I have kept this from my children. I never received a dime from their father for their support just to keep this information from them..I did not want them to know all these ugly things of their father. Now here is the kicker. My oldest says their lives would have been so much better if their father would have been in their lives; So therefore she and her brother and sister will not talk to me, see me or anything. Help me here people: If I tell them about their father I do not think they will believe me. They will think I am making this all up just to be with them. I am very tempted to tell them. Should I write them a letter of this? Might be better than being hung up on and not getting the message across or just continue on "All alone am I". (Very embarrased in Ocala).

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@peach414144

What a challenging decision! Finding a reputable counselor would be a reputable counselor, maybe a family counselor. I'd suggest that you talk with the counselor alone before you say anything to your kids.

A counselor might work with you on the reasons for telling your kids, as well as reasons not to tell them; are you doing it for your own benefit; how telling them might affect you – or how not telling could affect you. Those are just a few questions you could be asked to explore. I'm not saying that you should answer any of that kind of question to us – unless you want to. We're just here to listen and lend our support. I'll be praying for you, that God will give you wisdom in handling this.

PS I wrote this before I read your post. It's good that you have a good psychiatrist. Have they ever suggested that you see a family counselor?

Jim

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@jimhd

@peach414144

What a challenging decision! Finding a reputable counselor would be a reputable counselor, maybe a family counselor. I'd suggest that you talk with the counselor alone before you say anything to your kids.

A counselor might work with you on the reasons for telling your kids, as well as reasons not to tell them; are you doing it for your own benefit; how telling them might affect you – or how not telling could affect you. Those are just a few questions you could be asked to explore. I'm not saying that you should answer any of that kind of question to us – unless you want to. We're just here to listen and lend our support. I'll be praying for you, that God will give you wisdom in handling this.

PS I wrote this before I read your post. It's good that you have a good psychiatrist. Have they ever suggested that you see a family counselor?

Jim

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Thank you Jim. You are right. Their father could have seen and visited with them but I would have wanted supervised visits. It never came to that because he wanted his way, with no responsibilities for his children and to never see them again which was his choice. Another way to hurt the children. If they knew he really did not care to see them that knowledge would harm them even more. Seems I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I want them to know the truth but how much will it hurt them? My son is very fragile with the nineteen some operations and other clinical work that was a must to rehabilitate him. But he is responsible and does hold a job. I did a good job holding it all together with no help. I am sure I have made many mistakes but I am proud of myself and do know that I have done a good job for all of us. I think my adult children should be put in their place and doing this by their knowing the entire history of this family. They are in their late fifties and should be grown-ups by now.

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@peach414144

Thank you Jim. You are right. Their father could have seen and visited with them but I would have wanted supervised visits. It never came to that because he wanted his way, with no responsibilities for his children and to never see them again which was his choice. Another way to hurt the children. If they knew he really did not care to see them that knowledge would harm them even more. Seems I am damned if I do and damned if I don't. I want them to know the truth but how much will it hurt them? My son is very fragile with the nineteen some operations and other clinical work that was a must to rehabilitate him. But he is responsible and does hold a job. I did a good job holding it all together with no help. I am sure I have made many mistakes but I am proud of myself and do know that I have done a good job for all of us. I think my adult children should be put in their place and doing this by their knowing the entire history of this family. They are in their late fifties and should be grown-ups by now.

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@peach414144

Is your ex-husband still living? Telling your adult kids the truth would be kind of scary for me. Do you have a will? Your story could be included with it.

Do you have friends who knew what was going on with your husband back at the time you left him?

You said that you've talked about this with your psychiatrist. I wonder if your family would be willing to sit in some sessions, perhaps your doctor would agree to be a facilitator when you're ready to tell them the truth about their father. I don't remember if you have said if they have ever seen him. Such a sad, messed up world we live in.

Jim

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@peach414144 . I believe in my heart that our children need to know the truth. I had to tell my 6 year old son that his father had just killed himself . This same son has a brother who killed himself 3 years ago in the same tragic manner. I'm 75 and have had lots of practice trying to decide whether I should tell my children the truth. In my own opinion, children need to know who their parents are. They are then invited to decide with knowledge, how to move into the future. By the way, I'm thinking you deserve to be loved for the loving mom you always have been. And as for your son, he sounds like an incredibly strong person, and you could both love and lean on and support each other. Blessings.

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By the way, @peach414144 , I definitely think your dog and red cat need you at home and you also need them. Good for you! I work in Assisted living facilities and agree with your choice . Your passion to help people will open the door for you. There are all sorts of things you can do without even leaving the house.

Liked by Lisa Lucier

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@lisalucier

Hi, @twinkie – another Connect member I'd really like you to meet is @jimhd, who has also spoken about major depression and suicide attempts. Hoping he can help provide support at this time when you are feeling sad and as though you've lost your children because they don't understand your mental illness.

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I'm kind of confused how this system works. Posted for support earlier. Still struggling. I dont see posts related to my posts. Could the moderateer help me understand what to do.

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