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strongbutterfly
@strongbutterfly

Posts: 7
Joined: Sep 16, 2017

Family making anxiety and depression worse

Posted by @strongbutterfly, Thu, Mar 22 11:25pm

Has anyone had Family members actually making their depression and Anxiety worse?I have! And it Constantly depresses me out.This past wknd brought on Anxiety I had Never felt before.There was Fighting via text messaging and i got ugly because of a few dig comments and the way shes so self-Absorbed me,me,me.Thinks her life is way worse than mine,when actually its the other way around.I felt like i need a restraining order on her!I think im going to.I need peace.I have 2 Really Toxic family members,and the other is Non Supportive for me,It kills me Sooo Bad! Like Depression isnt enough of a horrible disease for me without her dramas all the time and hurting my heart,NoT Supporting me! Ive thought for months about getting rid of her,blocking my number.I need her to wake up but the prob is she has mental illness as well.What Should i do?My life is in Complete Chaos right now,So many Issues going on,Im NoT happy! Barely living,fatigued as hell,now theres fighting.Its gotten out of control.

REPLY

Hi, @strongbutterfly — I can imagine all this drama with family, with fighting, dig comments or just not being supportive would be hurtful and hard. I'd like to tag some of our members who are familiar with or have experienced anxiety and depression for their thoughts on the idea of family making things worse with these conditions, like @hopeful33250 @gman007 @contentandwell @mscosette @amberpep @coloradogirl and @nanke99.

What is contributing the most to making your life feel like complete chaos right now?

When my son visits, my husband is constantly critical of me and him. The thing is, he loves our son and I do not understand. He cannot abide our daughter-in-law at all. (she no longer visits) We only have the one son who lives 9hrs away. We lost our younger son, but he was the same way toward him. My husband is actually a people person and most people really like him. I have tried talking to him and it didn't help at all. It breaks my heart, plus I become real anxious when our son visits, but I want him to come. I love him dearly.

Could he be attempting to hide his strong feelings possibly of grief, guilt, or some such feeling? And it comes out as (unjustified to you and your son) anger? Maybe he would benefit greatly from speaking to someone and getting his feelings out. You've said that you lost your younger son and I'm so sorry to hear that and may you be comforted among the others who mourn. Would he talk about his feelings about that loss, grief or whatever else it is, and then his anger might go away.

Liked by Lorraine

@stressedmesseddepressed

Could he be attempting to hide his strong feelings possibly of grief, guilt, or some such feeling? And it comes out as (unjustified to you and your son) anger? Maybe he would benefit greatly from speaking to someone and getting his feelings out. You've said that you lost your younger son and I'm so sorry to hear that and may you be comforted among the others who mourn. Would he talk about his feelings about that loss, grief or whatever else it is, and then his anger might go away.

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Thanks for your reply. Perhaps, and this is why we try to forgive. He had a very unhappy childhood and wasn't a good family man while the boys were growing up. He has changed in many ways now. but seems to want to be in constant control. He has talked to me about his grief and desire to have do-overs, which none of us get. When I have tried to talk to him about his put downs of his sons, his niece and sister, his response is that he wants us to be "perfect". I believe this is so he will look good, but I even understand this because he feels everyone looked down on his family. They lost their mom when he was very young and his dad was an alcoholic. He has been an excellent provider, but it's been rough emotionally. It has seemed in the past that he cared more about other people than his family. Both sons and I have dealt with depression. I am concerned about the living son who also now has Parkinson's Disease. I am now living closer to God and am sorry this was not always the case. God sustains me. He is my strength and comfort.

Well, I can say I am not alone with family stuff. I say nothing about my health and stay superficial. So far my 3 year old grandson adores me. This is a comfort.

@liz223

When my son visits, my husband is constantly critical of me and him. The thing is, he loves our son and I do not understand. He cannot abide our daughter-in-law at all. (she no longer visits) We only have the one son who lives 9hrs away. We lost our younger son, but he was the same way toward him. My husband is actually a people person and most people really like him. I have tried talking to him and it didn't help at all. It breaks my heart, plus I become real anxious when our son visits, but I want him to come. I love him dearly.

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@liz223 This is such odd behavior since you do feel he loves your son. Obviously, as stressedmesseddeppressed commented there is something going on within his own mind.
You mention that he wants to be in control. My husband does also, it's extremely annoying and after many, many years of marriage I finally started speaking up more, which of course he was not crazy about. Although he tried to control both my son and my daughter in many ways he would never say anything hurtful to them and if anything he goes too much the other way.
It would be good if your husband would talk to someone about his feelings and try to figure out why he is so critical but if he is anything like my husband that is not going to happen.
JK

Liked by Parus

@parus

Well, I can say I am not alone with family stuff. I say nothing about my health and stay superficial. So far my 3 year old grandson adores me. This is a comfort.

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You're blessed to have an adoring grandson. I do not have grandchildren. I cannot stay superficial. I think I would explode or have another breakdown. Blessings.

@parus

Well, I can say I am not alone with family stuff. I say nothing about my health and stay superficial. So far my 3 year old grandson adores me. This is a comfort.

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@parus, As it should be. I have three and the oldest, a girl, wanted to hang with G (me) on the last day she was out of school. I was so excited that she wanted to see me instead of a play day with friends at the Y. I was not feeling great but played as long and hard as possible – God gives blessings when he takes away. After becoming disabled, mostly because my pain would not allow me to work and the pain meds make me unhirable, I was able to spend many days on the golf course with my Dad up until about 6 mos prior to his passing a couple of years ago. Days I am not sure I would trade for good health!

@parus

Well, I can say I am not alone with family stuff. I say nothing about my health and stay superficial. So far my 3 year old grandson adores me. This is a comfort.

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@liz223 Yes I am blessed. I have to remain superficial and passive or will not ever see my grandson again. Threats are cruel. Mostly it is the children who pay the price. Back to you on the blessings. I saw an American Goldfinch this morning starting to dawn it's summer plumage. I see this as blessed. Cold out and that little ray of sunshine outside my window was a blessing.

@parus

Well, I can say I am not alone with family stuff. I say nothing about my health and stay superficial. So far my 3 year old grandson adores me. This is a comfort.

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@gman007 You betcha! Yes He does.

God blesses us in so many ways. Do whatever you have to do to keep that beautiful grandson in your life.

@strongbutterfly
Sometimes you have to separate yourself, hopefully temporarily, from toxic relationships even if they're family. I've had to do that. After years of verbal abuse I realized I had others in my life at that time that treated me like family should. Hopefully you both get stronger and can build a more positive relationship with each other.

@strongerbutterfly @pearlbaby7 Unfortunately, we cannot choose our family [but we get to choose our friends]. And unfortunately, family members sometimes feel they have license to treat us poorly. There is no reason for us to be quiet when we are treated badly. Personally, I let that happen for many years, then got some backbone and said, "no more!". It has estranged me from 3 of my 4 siblings, but I am happier for it. When I confronted the offenders, they didn't want to listen, nor change, nor even believe it was happening. I had to talk to myself and realize my sanity was at stake, and if I wouldn't put up with it from strangers, why did my family get away with it? It's not fun, and sometimes I miss the old closeness.

When it comes to siblings the only thing we have in common is DNA.

Hi @strongbutterfly.I don't know if this is an option for you or not, but my family treats me like I am a child. I have been hospitalized for depression several times over the course of 25 years and I am now in a really good place, however after every family get together, I come back feeling as though I have been looked down upon. So I talked to my psychologist and for now I do not go to the family get togethers anymore. I am able to keep the distance which is a healthy boundary for me. I would be so anxious before a get together and that is not healthy. I have a very good group of friends and they are the ones I go to. In fact they know more about my life than my family. I hope this helps

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