Dying Well

@ess77 Well, you're an interesting lady, and a natural story-teller (the best kind). I very much enjoyed your post and could well imagine everything you recollected. I've been in several countries in Europe but regrettably not the U.K. However, my granddaughter spent a semester in Edinburgh three years ago for her last internship before graduation (the first was in Latvia), my daughter and her husband made a road trip through England to Edinburgh and up to the highlands a couple of years ago, and my grandson's girlfriend is studying for a semester in Dublin. My mom's ancestors came from York. I've loved hearing their varied stories and memories ~ they all fit together, along with yours, into a lovely patchwork quilt of warmth and love. Thank you for reminiscing and adding to the beauty.
Peace,
Barb

A dear friend’s husband died two years back from a brain tumor. For months prior to his death at age 70, he was still able to function. He planned his entire funeral down to the playlist of the live band who performed in the church and the exact menu for a lunch reception in the social hall. He donated his body to the local medical school. I have never attended a going away service anything like it. It was absolutely beautiful.

@bjk3 and all... Oh, my. What a lovely message from you, Barb. Thank you for making my day better! Your whole family is enjoying our beautiful world! How wonderful your children and grandchildren are having and taking the opportunity to see other countries, other social histories, and becoming so much deeper and better human beings for these experiences.

I have always enjoyed talking and sharing thoughts. You don't want to encourage me on this lovely site. Although, I do find there are many of my personal experiences somehow I think may help another here to make it through a difficult time or boost some spirits. Or, fine strength and encouragement to push ahead on the crazy health journey.

I pray that is true and some can benefit from our education with our own medical issues...
Blessings, Elizabeth

A few days ago I discovered _Smoke Gets in Your Eyes and Other Lessons from a Crematory_ by Caitlin Doughty.
Doughty writes with an ironic humor which makes it easier to accept the unfamiliar facts she shares.
In sharing the story of her own struggles to understand death, she moves to a very deep understanding of our general experiences of death in the West over the twentieth century.

In short, those of us who are now old have grown up in a world in which contact with death was largely kept hidden from us, both in hospitals and mortuaries.
Doughty argues that our ignorance and fear have cost us real emotional vitality in the years that we are alive.

Knowing that we will die presents the great existential challenge of our lives, and how we face it and manage our fear is the defining element of each life.
Some people find safety in religious belief.
Some try to defeat death by creating monuments to themselves.

Doughty is dedicating her life to helping people experience death and grief in loving ways that will help us embrace life, including the pain and uncertainty that we can’t honestly avoid as we all approach our end.

[For a deep read on this, see _The Birth and Death of Meaning_ and _The Denial of Death_ by Ernest Becker.]

@edsutton You wrote of Caitlin Doughty's theory "In short, those of us who are now old have grown up in a world in which contact with death was largely kept hidden from us, both in hospitals and mortuaries."

When I was in a Catholic grade school in the 1950's, the old pastor had what my Mom viewed as a curious practice - if there was a funeral where he felt there would be few mourners, he had classes from the school attend the Mass. When he would do his eulogy, he would mainly speak to us kids about how death was a normal part of life, not to be feared, etc. As an adult, I realize how wise that was.

Now in my 70's, I still have friends who are seriously anxious about offering condolences to people who have lost a loved one, going to funerals or memorial services, or even talking about friends who have died. I feel sad that they are unable to embrace all the phases of life.

My extended family embraces a wide variety of beliefs, but we always gather to celebrate when a member dies. I think it feels different for each of us - some see salvation, others respect a life well-lived, and still others remember what the person has meant to them - but we do it together.

@katgob
I just want to add that I have known many family members who have agonized over having to make those decisions. A health Care Directive might make it easier for them. However, I've known children that dehydrated and starved their mother to death because she had a DNR. To me that means Do Not Resuscitate or use Extreme Measures. You need to specify what it means.
Additionally, I have known a few family members who made selfish decisions to enrich themselves, going against the wishes of the deceased loved one. Many times, this included going against legal documents when they were named as executor. Giving heirs copies of all documents might make your decisions easier for everyone involved.

The form I was provided required further detail of DNR so it was clear what could be done and what should not be done, as well as who was authorized to make the decision, including alternate persons. It's not fair to leave it up to anyone to determine exactly what DNR means.

1) Maintain up-to-date documents, give copies to your health care agent(s), doctor(s) and lawyer.
2) Write about this in detail, what you want and don't want and why; share and discuss with family and close friends, clarifying as necessary.
3) Encourage your friends to do the same. Listen to them, share thoughts, fears and knowledge.
4) As you face these things and talk about them, they become less frightening. It feels good to take charge of what you can.

@grannytrucker: You are correct that a DNR is a medical document instructing healthcare providers not to perform cardiopulmonary resuscitation in the event breathing or heart stops. It does NOT mean withholding food, fluids or vital nutrients.

The situations you cited go beyond selfish decisions and would constitute elder abuse. There are organizations availabe to report such cases: (877) SOS-ADULT or (602) 364 -2536, or complete the online reporting form in the state in which it is occuring or the specific state Area Agency on Aging's Senior Help Line.

@kjoed53. True and keep in mind that DNRs vary by state. Most require physician signatures, some require RN, NP or PA signatures and some require additional validation. Some are specific for in-hospital stays, some for in-home. All have designated colors and all should be prominently displayed or in locations - such as the front of the refigerator or in ones wallet - where EMS can readily locate it.

For more information, check Do Not Resuscitate (DNR) Laws by State 2026