Don't Want To Be a Complainer

Posted by Bax @tbaxter33, Jun 26, 2018

As i was growing up, I heard my mom complain daily about pain and discomfort in various parts of her body. As a result, decided when I was younger that I would never be a complainer! I suppose I formed a judgment that my mom had a low threshold for pain and was just a complainer. I felt like people did not want to hear that, and it drove them away. I am now convinced that I was very wrong. For about the past 20 years of my life, I have had lower back pain which has become progressively worse over time. Over the more recent few years, I have chronic neck, shoulder, and upper arm pain which is severe at times and bad other times. MRI shows two separate syrnix lesions (one in cervical and one in thorasic area). Suspect cause for those is trauma due to a horse fall incident several years ago. No surgery is indicated due to risks and uncertain benefits. Also, degenerative disease mostly in the neck, but some in the lumbar area. Most recently, had RF ablation procedures done on the lower back. Worked good for about a month, but pain is back (mostly with standing and walking). Pain in neck and shoulders is terrilbe at times. Have tried Tramadol (which local docs DO NOT want me to take), and it does not really work for me anyway. Cannot take NSAID meds due to kidney issues. Hydrocodone works, but getting it is nearly impossible any more. [If you wondered, I have no history of drug abuse, addiction, or alcholism] I am SO AFRAID of becoming a chrinic complainer like I grew up with. In fact, I feel that the few friends I do talk to about it (probably 2 at most) have formed judgments and do not want to hear it. I even feel like the docs think I am a complainer — perhaps to get meds — which is simply and firmly not true. What do people do? Live with it and hurt? I am not retired yet — have a couple or three more years — but it is so hard to keep up this pace. Already frustrated and darkenss widening here. Thoughts?

Liked by Parus, Leonard

If you are too staunch and stoic for too long, you're probably going to crack down the line somewhere! I have periodic meltdowns and then everyone takes notice. Wisah there was a more adult way of dealing with it.

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Neuropathy can torture your feet or any other part of your body where located. I only have a mild form, but still experience the burning and needle like shooting pains. You're right, if we keep quiet, others forget we have a problem. I definitely am not a martyr :).

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@tbaxter33

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and interest in my situation. I am still employed full time and I guess need to be so for the next 3 or 4 years. Retirement is not really an option because I need the health care coverage I have through work. I have tried PT before several times. Each time, I didn't see a lot of change, plus I could not afford to invest the time away from the office very often. Appointments are available late in the evening, but I am completely wiped out by then. Early mornings sometimes work, but it is all I can do to drag out of bed and get to work on time. I found myself getting so frustrated and stressed about being away from the office — and it always being noticed and pointed out — that I gave up on PT several times. I do fight the "demons of depression" regularly, and fight hard to stay above the clouds and doing life in VFR conditions. Often I do wander into IMC, at which time it becomes difficult to figure out life — even to know which way is up. I once had a very strong faith that living the right life, doing the right things, and turning the really important issues (fears) over to the care of God was living right. I lived a few years with that peace that passes all understanding, until I lost a freshman in college (son) very unexpectedly to suicide just before the end of his first (and very successful year), entered the world of total chaos associated witht he alcoholism and addiction of another son (going on 17 years now), cleaned up the double-murder scene of some very close relatives who were killed in a senseless home invasion robbery many years ago (now undersand the terminology of "bloody murder"), and the list could go on. I thought I had done things right (at least the best I could) and prayed fervently for the protection of my boys when they went to college only to have bad things happen. That "peace that passes understanding left in May of 2004, and I have not been able to regain it. I just don't know what the point is of life most days any more. The pain associated with it all gets deeper. So, there are not times for hobbies, no time to work on self, until retirement which I don't believe I'ill ever attain since it is a few years away and I have passed over into the realm of overwhelming physical, mental, and spiritual pain.

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Hello, I have been thinking of you and wanted to send something….. Many things in your story have reminded me of things in my story.

I'm pretty new to the site, have only responded to one other story, am not sure what is "allowed" as far as suggestions, fear saying something that will cause more anxiety to you, or someone else, ( can you tell depression and anxiety are big for me ?! )

I'm a ''senior'' with lots of life experiences…. Lots of "losses," which may be part of living this long…but pain is no fun in whatever form it comes…..physical, mental, spiritual.

When you wrote about loosing "the peace that passes understanding " my heart ached. I have days of severe depression when I can't pray. Luckily the "good" days come again, and I can feel my spiritual life returning. To have to live without the help of a faith, that has sustained me through so much, would be so very hard. I would like to encourage you to seek out help in this area of your life.

The different realms of life, and our taking care of the different areas, can seem overwhelming at times. But, the physical, mental, spiritual, all need attention. Sometimes just a tiny step is better than no step. Right now I am completing week 11 of a commitment to walking. It was recommended to combat the depression that I deal with. Some days I don't want to make the effort. I push myself and am glad that I have.

I have been praying for you, and will continue. Knowing people pray for me is a comfort, especially on the days when I can't pray.

I hope that you have had something to smile about on this 4th. of July……It was a "good" day for me AND I got to write to you, something I've thought a lot about doing, and pray is of some comfort to you.

Take care ~

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@tbaxter33

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and interest in my situation. I am still employed full time and I guess need to be so for the next 3 or 4 years. Retirement is not really an option because I need the health care coverage I have through work. I have tried PT before several times. Each time, I didn't see a lot of change, plus I could not afford to invest the time away from the office very often. Appointments are available late in the evening, but I am completely wiped out by then. Early mornings sometimes work, but it is all I can do to drag out of bed and get to work on time. I found myself getting so frustrated and stressed about being away from the office — and it always being noticed and pointed out — that I gave up on PT several times. I do fight the "demons of depression" regularly, and fight hard to stay above the clouds and doing life in VFR conditions. Often I do wander into IMC, at which time it becomes difficult to figure out life — even to know which way is up. I once had a very strong faith that living the right life, doing the right things, and turning the really important issues (fears) over to the care of God was living right. I lived a few years with that peace that passes all understanding, until I lost a freshman in college (son) very unexpectedly to suicide just before the end of his first (and very successful year), entered the world of total chaos associated witht he alcoholism and addiction of another son (going on 17 years now), cleaned up the double-murder scene of some very close relatives who were killed in a senseless home invasion robbery many years ago (now undersand the terminology of "bloody murder"), and the list could go on. I thought I had done things right (at least the best I could) and prayed fervently for the protection of my boys when they went to college only to have bad things happen. That "peace that passes understanding left in May of 2004, and I have not been able to regain it. I just don't know what the point is of life most days any more. The pain associated with it all gets deeper. So, there are not times for hobbies, no time to work on self, until retirement which I don't believe I'ill ever attain since it is a few years away and I have passed over into the realm of overwhelming physical, mental, and spiritual pain.

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Good points. Depression and sadness is so common. Some days are good, some awful. Maybe its part of living long. But we must NOT give up. I just 'adopted ' a soldier send letters and supplies toothpaste, shampoo, soap, etc. Also joined a widow/ widowers club… who said life was supposed to be EZ ? I think its meant to challenge us…. Be well

Liked by lovetoall

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Hi my username is Ursweetpam. I can relate so much to what you are saying totally! My mother suffered for the last decade or so of her life with severe rheumatoid arthritis and back pain issues. She worked hard most of her life and even after she started having problems but it seemed that when we spoke, it was almost always about the pain. I used to get so upset sometimes because it became an all the time thing towards the end of her life. I just didn't have the experience yet to know what it mist have been like for her every day to wake up and feel that way for years. I used to believe she was a " complainer" Honestly, I don't think that she was. No other person can really judge how another feels. Even for the same kind of pain, it can be different. That us what makes us unique. We need to be more understanding when someone is hurting. I found out the hard way that she was probably suffering a great deal. I had a mucrodiscectomy/ laminectomy is 2015. I woke up to excruciating ,crushing pain in my back, left hip and my entire left leg. The surgeon said my back surgery was a fail because I had bone death to my vertibrate caused by undiagnosed severe osteoporosis and I have arachnoiditis that glued my nerve roots together and caused them to misfire. I never knew pain like that even existed! The surgeon also cut into my dura 3 times so I had to lay flat on my back for 24 hours and required 4 large blood patches. I couldn't walk far at all for 2 years because it turned out that my left hip and left pelvis was off center and out of the socket from the surgery to my back. I found i was always in pain and i talked about it a lot. My kids don't understand. They say that it's all I talk about and now I understand just what my mother was going through. I think that the pain Drs see so many people everyday and we all say we are in pain. They have become used to hearing it….so much so that they have lost empathy to our plight. I worry too if they think I am always complaining and if they think I am just seeking drugs (my pcp flagged me for that until she got the MRI tests back) You have to keep reminding yourself that you are just as impostant as everyone else. You know it's real and how bad it is for you…not everyone else. Maybe you do have a low tolerance for pain. So what! No one else lives inside you and you can't show anyone how you feel so let them judge and think what they want. Be honest and never stop looking for something that works for you. Until they are where you are, they can't possibly know what it's like. Hope this helps.

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@ursweetpam

Hi my username is Ursweetpam. I can relate so much to what you are saying totally! My mother suffered for the last decade or so of her life with severe rheumatoid arthritis and back pain issues. She worked hard most of her life and even after she started having problems but it seemed that when we spoke, it was almost always about the pain. I used to get so upset sometimes because it became an all the time thing towards the end of her life. I just didn't have the experience yet to know what it mist have been like for her every day to wake up and feel that way for years. I used to believe she was a " complainer" Honestly, I don't think that she was. No other person can really judge how another feels. Even for the same kind of pain, it can be different. That us what makes us unique. We need to be more understanding when someone is hurting. I found out the hard way that she was probably suffering a great deal. I had a mucrodiscectomy/ laminectomy is 2015. I woke up to excruciating ,crushing pain in my back, left hip and my entire left leg. The surgeon said my back surgery was a fail because I had bone death to my vertibrate caused by undiagnosed severe osteoporosis and I have arachnoiditis that glued my nerve roots together and caused them to misfire. I never knew pain like that even existed! The surgeon also cut into my dura 3 times so I had to lay flat on my back for 24 hours and required 4 large blood patches. I couldn't walk far at all for 2 years because it turned out that my left hip and left pelvis was off center and out of the socket from the surgery to my back. I found i was always in pain and i talked about it a lot. My kids don't understand. They say that it's all I talk about and now I understand just what my mother was going through. I think that the pain Drs see so many people everyday and we all say we are in pain. They have become used to hearing it….so much so that they have lost empathy to our plight. I worry too if they think I am always complaining and if they think I am just seeking drugs (my pcp flagged me for that until she got the MRI tests back) You have to keep reminding yourself that you are just as impostant as everyone else. You know it's real and how bad it is for you…not everyone else. Maybe you do have a low tolerance for pain. So what! No one else lives inside you and you can't show anyone how you feel so let them judge and think what they want. Be honest and never stop looking for something that works for you. Until they are where you are, they can't possibly know what it's like. Hope this helps.

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You are right. None of us can truly experience the pain of someone else. Rather, we must attempt to understand the difficulty, and listen carefully to their words. In fact, we must ask them directly, "What is it that I can do to help you?" Maybe the only thing is being a friend. And so be it. We cannot allow ourselves to leave someone lonely just because they voice their pain. Our strength must help to address their lack of it. God bless us every one.

Liked by jfsherley

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