Don't Want To Be a Complainer

Posted by Bax @tbaxter33, Jun 26, 2018

As i was growing up, I heard my mom complain daily about pain and discomfort in various parts of her body. As a result, decided when I was younger that I would never be a complainer! I suppose I formed a judgment that my mom had a low threshold for pain and was just a complainer. I felt like people did not want to hear that, and it drove them away. I am now convinced that I was very wrong. For about the past 20 years of my life, I have had lower back pain which has become progressively worse over time. Over the more recent few years, I have chronic neck, shoulder, and upper arm pain which is severe at times and bad other times. MRI shows two separate syrnix lesions (one in cervical and one in thorasic area). Suspect cause for those is trauma due to a horse fall incident several years ago. No surgery is indicated due to risks and uncertain benefits. Also, degenerative disease mostly in the neck, but some in the lumbar area. Most recently, had RF ablation procedures done on the lower back. Worked good for about a month, but pain is back (mostly with standing and walking). Pain in neck and shoulders is terrilbe at times. Have tried Tramadol (which local docs DO NOT want me to take), and it does not really work for me anyway. Cannot take NSAID meds due to kidney issues. Hydrocodone works, but getting it is nearly impossible any more. [If you wondered, I have no history of drug abuse, addiction, or alcholism] I am SO AFRAID of becoming a chrinic complainer like I grew up with. In fact, I feel that the few friends I do talk to about it (probably 2 at most) have formed judgments and do not want to hear it. I even feel like the docs think I am a complainer — perhaps to get meds — which is simply and firmly not true. What do people do? Live with it and hurt? I am not retired yet — have a couple or three more years — but it is so hard to keep up this pace. Already frustrated and darkenss widening here. Thoughts?

Liked by Parus, Leonard

@parus

@tbaxter33 Try not to be too critical of yourself. We all need to complain where we are safe. I find I get stuck in chronic complaining as it matches all of my chronic conditions. I can only hope others have better success with their doctors than I have had. Now everything is blamed on my age. Yup, I am also chronically old body wise. A wise old sage at times. My thinking is why go to a doctor when all they say is there is nothing can be done. OTC's I stay a way from as I do not want another chronic condition.
Oh I am also chronically negative at times. That is not a complaint-rather, it is a fact. Surely must be some psych med for such.

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That is true I have a pal who lost her legs , in a nursing home Just lying there Hell on earth

Liked by lioness, Leonard

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@dianrib yes just look at people in nursing homes,hospitals so many tragic stories I've seen in my career in nursing.

Liked by Leonard

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Hi, I am sorry about the challenges you have in your daily life. From what I understand you were a healthy person with no pain symptoms up to a certain time in your life. Changing from a comfortable painless life to a life with constant Chronic pains is definitely not easy, and can challenge even the strongest among us. I was reading some of the suggestions from other people here, and I liked the idea of swimming or just moving in a Pool, many community centers offer reasonable aquatic therapy group sessions. I think its important to realize that unfortunately, we as human being in challenging situations, have no other choice than to "Adapt", and to try to adapt with minimal or if possible no pain medication. We are all well aware where the unintentional abuse of these drugs can take people, and no one wants to move from a difficult chronic situation, to one much worse. I know its not easy, but you cannot imagine how adaptable human beings are in any situation. When I had difficult challenges, including severe pain after multiple surgeries, and during and post military service, I decided that I am going to work on my tolerance by myself, mostly by getting used to the pain and discomfort, and I stopped comparing with periods of no paining my past….Pain changed with time in my mind to discomfort, and I started thinking of it as something that is part of my life, and that is when I stopped feeling sorry for myself. Wish you all the best in life, and may you find your path to relative comfort !

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Jack Not all are as strong as you ..Congrats to you . Maybe I am weak but as much as i have tried depression lingers, Lost my husband, daughter had a stroke, grand kid has major problems , son broke his back. I take one day at a time and recall sweet memories that i am so grateful for. I also donate, & have volunteered . My way of adapting is to just live with my 'New self' I joined a club, go out, see friends. Each AM I wake feeling lost ,empty & scared. My husband & I were soul mates and very dedicated… For that we were blessed

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@dianrib

Jack Not all are as strong as you ..Congrats to you . Maybe I am weak but as much as i have tried depression lingers, Lost my husband, daughter had a stroke, grand kid has major problems , son broke his back. I take one day at a time and recall sweet memories that i am so grateful for. I also donate, & have volunteered . My way of adapting is to just live with my 'New self' I joined a club, go out, see friends. Each AM I wake feeling lost ,empty & scared. My husband & I were soul mates and very dedicated… For that we were blessed

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@dianrib I identify with what you say. We can't all be strong. We can just try to adapt to the new normal and try every strategy in the book to deal with the mental and physical pain. Being social, volunteering, writing, doing something creative … all these things help. After four years of living alone I have just stopped waking up saying to myself "I'm so alone".

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@dianrib

Jack Not all are as strong as you ..Congrats to you . Maybe I am weak but as much as i have tried depression lingers, Lost my husband, daughter had a stroke, grand kid has major problems , son broke his back. I take one day at a time and recall sweet memories that i am so grateful for. I also donate, & have volunteered . My way of adapting is to just live with my 'New self' I joined a club, go out, see friends. Each AM I wake feeling lost ,empty & scared. My husband & I were soul mates and very dedicated… For that we were blessed

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@alpaca so true wake up greet the new day plan what can I do today

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@tbaxter33

Thank you all for the kind thoughts and interest in my situation. I am still employed full time and I guess need to be so for the next 3 or 4 years. Retirement is not really an option because I need the health care coverage I have through work. I have tried PT before several times. Each time, I didn't see a lot of change, plus I could not afford to invest the time away from the office very often. Appointments are available late in the evening, but I am completely wiped out by then. Early mornings sometimes work, but it is all I can do to drag out of bed and get to work on time. I found myself getting so frustrated and stressed about being away from the office — and it always being noticed and pointed out — that I gave up on PT several times. I do fight the "demons of depression" regularly, and fight hard to stay above the clouds and doing life in VFR conditions. Often I do wander into IMC, at which time it becomes difficult to figure out life — even to know which way is up. I once had a very strong faith that living the right life, doing the right things, and turning the really important issues (fears) over to the care of God was living right. I lived a few years with that peace that passes all understanding, until I lost a freshman in college (son) very unexpectedly to suicide just before the end of his first (and very successful year), entered the world of total chaos associated witht he alcoholism and addiction of another son (going on 17 years now), cleaned up the double-murder scene of some very close relatives who were killed in a senseless home invasion robbery many years ago (now undersand the terminology of "bloody murder"), and the list could go on. I thought I had done things right (at least the best I could) and prayed fervently for the protection of my boys when they went to college only to have bad things happen. That "peace that passes understanding left in May of 2004, and I have not been able to regain it. I just don't know what the point is of life most days any more. The pain associated with it all gets deeper. So, there are not times for hobbies, no time to work on self, until retirement which I don't believe I'ill ever attain since it is a few years away and I have passed over into the realm of overwhelming physical, mental, and spiritual pain.

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It sounds to me, anyway, that you do not have to worry about going to 'hell', you are living in it right now. If you do not have a notebook may I suggest that you get one as soon as you can. Keep it with you and begin writing every time you have pain, where it is, how long did it last, how would you rate it on the 0-10 scale, and anything else you remember that happened just before you felt the pain. The more you can document your pain, frustration, anger and ….. you will have something to show your doctor. If your insurance says that the doctor you are seeing is the only one you can see, I wish I could tell you what to do. If you feel you need another "Gate Keeper" ask someone you know that has a doctor they like and is willing to see new patients, then you may want to make an appointment with that doctor. Take your notebook with all your notes in it to let this doctor have an idea of the 'hell' you are going through. You, and only you, are your own best advocate. You may have to complain, not too your family or friends, but to your doctor(s). Unfortunately we have doctors who would rather hand out pills than spent time with you to find out what is really going on. It takes less time, and they are so overbooked they do not want to spend the 10 minutes to find out what is going on with you.

It also sounds as if your family has, or still is, going through their own 'hell'. Prayer can help, but we all have to make our own mistakes. It is what we do once we made our own mistakes that can determine the type of person we will become one day. We always think that it is the mothers job to fix everything. I hate to tell you, until you are fixed yourself you are unable to fix anyone else. Your job right now is to get 'you fixed'. If you can listen to some soothing, quiet, gentle music do it. I have some on now, because I understand too well, what you could be experiencing, and if I am unable to quiet my inner self I cannot write anything that will help you quiet your inner self. I hope I have been able to give you some needed help and reassurance that you will be okay. Good luck.

mlmcg

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@dianrib

Jack Not all are as strong as you ..Congrats to you . Maybe I am weak but as much as i have tried depression lingers, Lost my husband, daughter had a stroke, grand kid has major problems , son broke his back. I take one day at a time and recall sweet memories that i am so grateful for. I also donate, & have volunteered . My way of adapting is to just live with my 'New self' I joined a club, go out, see friends. Each AM I wake feeling lost ,empty & scared. My husband & I were soul mates and very dedicated… For that we were blessed

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I am not what you might call genetically born strong, but I learn that if I have to survive the cards I was dealt. I needed to find the strength to deal with our son's 7 open heart surgery from congenital Heart defect, to deal with 3 strokes he had 2 of them during long procedures, deal with his neurological challenges up to this days that he lives with us at age 42. But I learned that I can only do the best I can, I cannot change realities that are not in my control, and therefore most important not to see myself as a victim,. I can feel what you say about going through some difficult time, specially that your beloved husband passed away, but you are an individual by yourself, if your husband can see you in your despair, I am sure he would want you to go on with your life, find happiness in what you have, and dont look constantly at how you wish your life was or could have been. Broken back of your son, or issues with your grandchildren, or even your daughter's stroke, all those are emotionally challenging, but not in your control, and you are not emotionally responsible for everything around you. At this stage of life you are responsible for your wellbeing, and the younger member of your Family should worry for your wellbeing. Using big words like Depression are not useful, unless you were diagnosed by a psychiatrist, and even then things can be kept in control with the right therapy and or medication. When you wake up tomorrow morning, take a deep breath, and think positively about what you can do about having a good day tomorrow, despite your "worries". Think about planning something to look forward to for next week, and for next month, forget the bad mood that you associate with depression, make friends, go on a cruise, fill your life with enough positive, so that the scale of the balance of your life will lift the positive side, to at least equal and with time to surpass the temporarily negative side of your life balance.

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@dianrib

Jack Not all are as strong as you ..Congrats to you . Maybe I am weak but as much as i have tried depression lingers, Lost my husband, daughter had a stroke, grand kid has major problems , son broke his back. I take one day at a time and recall sweet memories that i am so grateful for. I also donate, & have volunteered . My way of adapting is to just live with my 'New self' I joined a club, go out, see friends. Each AM I wake feeling lost ,empty & scared. My husband & I were soul mates and very dedicated… For that we were blessed

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jack Yes I was diagnosed.& I do take meds . You are correct … I tend to look back too much Because I fear whats ahead.. I was able to step up to the plate and help my daughter recover ., my son as well. I want to ' live in' the moment' Thats what I strive for .I just had a great week in May with my new great grand baby & son in San Diego . They are my blessing Thanks

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@dianrib

Jack Not all are as strong as you ..Congrats to you . Maybe I am weak but as much as i have tried depression lingers, Lost my husband, daughter had a stroke, grand kid has major problems , son broke his back. I take one day at a time and recall sweet memories that i am so grateful for. I also donate, & have volunteered . My way of adapting is to just live with my 'New self' I joined a club, go out, see friends. Each AM I wake feeling lost ,empty & scared. My husband & I were soul mates and very dedicated… For that we were blessed

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Thanks also to Maureen &lioness

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@dianrib

Jack Not all are as strong as you ..Congrats to you . Maybe I am weak but as much as i have tried depression lingers, Lost my husband, daughter had a stroke, grand kid has major problems , son broke his back. I take one day at a time and recall sweet memories that i am so grateful for. I also donate, & have volunteered . My way of adapting is to just live with my 'New self' I joined a club, go out, see friends. Each AM I wake feeling lost ,empty & scared. My husband & I were soul mates and very dedicated… For that we were blessed

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Thanks Be well

Liked by Parus

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I live in a world where worth is based on possessions, etc. Love seems to not be enough. It is what it is. Grab on to those special times and try to smother the sad times with happiness.

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@brettmanning

Have you tried walking at least every other day? Exercise helps relieve mental and physical pain/stress. Start slowly and build your stamina. The endorphins released during exercise are your body’s natural pain killers. I wish you all the best.

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@lioness, I also use a walker following a fall and fractured leg and I have been in therapy since. And my back bothers me also. BUt my therapist had to remind me to stand up straight and when I do, my back pain is better and If I start walking and immediately stand straight, most of the time, I don't get any back pain! gailfaith

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I am so sorry you are suffering. I am a retired RN. I have been in fear that people who really need opiates for pain control won't be able to get them because of the opiate crisis. The doctors are running scared now! Have you tried going to pain management? You may want to think about medical marijuana and see if that might work for you. Tramadol does not work very well for severe pain. I agree with water therapy to obtain some relief

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I have been on the neuropathy pain train for the last 7 years (ideopathic) and have tried everything the doctors have recommended and every miracle cure located through research to no avail. I try not to complain but find that if you don't some, everyone around you forgets you have these issues and then is so surprised when you can't do some activity or function because of the pain. I get the old oh, I didn't know you were still having those problems many time from people that you have explained to many times that no, we have found no cure and pain meds don't work. If you are not an advocate for yourself, the medical community and your friends and family move on as if there is nothing there. I can't explain that my pain in my feet IS NOT the same as your sore feet from a long day at work. Have to make a little noise or be forgotten!

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