Deciding whether or not to marry someone with mild dementia

Hello, @maryflorida Since you asked what others might do in this situation, I'll tell what I might do.

I was married for 41 years before I lost my wife. First I told myself I would make no significant change decisions for the first 18-24 months after her death. In hindsight, that was a solid decision for me as my interests/ideas, etc. on changes did shift over that time period.

Next, if it were me, I would do a very complete check into his background, financial situation, legal decisions, and insurance, plus go with him to a doctor's appointment to discuss his medical condition.

I would then be sure there was a legal prenuptial agreement signed to protect the assets I'd worked my whole life to attain.

Then I'd ask myself if I was ready to spend possibly the rest of my life as a caregiver. Speaking from 14+ years of being a caregiver it can be even more isolating than being alone and harder work than any other job.

Just my opinion.

Strength, Courage, & Peace

Thank you.... more information if you don't mind. I homeschooled the youngest four through high school, taught school, wrote an accredited Latin course, took care of my sick husband as he died (for two years), am very tired.
I am a caregiver and have been all my life since I took care of my brothers when I was 14. Relieved now to be free and wanted to go to college at this late date. My children are all very successful; one son financially supports me. Now the other side, can I really desert this man I have known for four months and feel that I love so much? He will be lost without me, I fear. His children have control of his investments and I think they are just waiting for him to die. No one wants me to go through this. It is hard when he is in another world, but when he is with me, really WITH me, I love him so much. Is it just selfishness to not care for him? It feels like it is. Any thoughts? No counselors thru church or medical facilities. Need help.

@maryflorida You’ve said that you were a caregiver all your life starting at age 14. Then you raised 11 children. And you also said that you’re relieved to be free and maybe go to college. Do you really want to be a caregiver again. When his children control everything? If they are”just waiting for him to die,” it won’t be a happy relationship with them.
Maybe you could just continue to go to movies, for walks, etc and not get married. Be good friends. I saw how exhausted my mother go caring for my dad. She was tired but had to keep going.
Don’t make any decisions yet. Let’s let other members chime in

@IndianaScott -- Excellent post, Scott. Thank you.

And Mary-- Based on it, and my own 5-year-experience with my wife -- who'll likely continue to need caregiving for an undetermined period (she's only 80), my own personal response which I offer to you would be: please consider -- and maybe even try -- being "close friends" / "very close friends" / lovers / or whatever the most appropriate noun would be... before going forward and tying the knot.

Not telling you (or anyone else what to do), just stating my subjective opinion as you requested.

All the best... no matter which way you decide to proceed!

/LarryG

Larry, I was considering doing that. I think that is the best solution. My own children, all adults, said to do that. For some reason, I felt weird about him sleeping overnight, but he is still cuddly and only in dementia once or twice a week at this time. Marriage would entail lots of financial decisions that might get messy.
It is so helpful to hear opinions from those who have experience. Thanks to all of you!

Mary, if this gentleman has dementia, he may only be showing symptoms once or twice a week, but that will progress as time goes on, maybe slowly, over a period of years or maybe within just a few months. Everyone is different. Have you gone to a doctor or neurologist’s appointment with him? Do you know what type of dementia he has?
When his memory becomes worse and he can no longer remember things that happened yesterday or even a few hours ago, can you be comfortable with that? If and when he becomes incontinent will you be able to change him and dress and shower him when he can no longer do those things for himself?
You mentioned that your son financially supports you. Is he willing to support this gentleman as well if it gets to the point where you need in home care to help care for him? Medicare doesn’t pay for that. It’s self pay and is very expensive, even for a few hours a few times per week. If you were to get married would he be willing to give you power of attorney and put all of his investments in your name rather than in his children’s names so you can use that money for his care until that runs out?
Caring for someone with dementia is not an easy life. I agree with Larry’s advice of being close or very close friends with this man before tying the knot. After a couple of years you would be in a better position to make a decision.

Maggie, I appreciate your notes. No, I have not gone to the doctor with him as yet. No, my son won't support him and has, in fact, told me not to marry him. His own sons take care of him somewhat, so I guess if we do not get married, then they will have to continue doing this. And no, absolutely no, he would not give me power of attorney nor put his investments in my name. I think that may be the tipping point, isn't it? His first priority is his own children, which does not bother me, as my children all take care of me too. But, I think I will just tell him that we can be close, but not live in my house (he likes mine better!) and keep company. That way his children can have final authority and responsibility for him. You all have helped me, without telling me what to do, and I appreciate it very much!

Can’t you just be his friend?

Yes, I can, but HE is the one who wants to get married or at least move in with me. I think we will be okay now that I am not feeling pressured. Thank you for caring.

I cared for my husband of 58 years until he died with Parkinson's dementia. It was so very hard. I am 81. All of my married friends are taking care of husbands who are ill and some of them getting dementia. I was an RN but this was the hardest thing I ever did. Then after he died I develped breast cancer. He never could have taken care of me. I will sing from the top of the hills," Don't get married." You still have some freedom.