Caregiver here-spouse has depression and anxiery

kimchi01,
you seem so gentle with each other. He may need to be alone because he feels incapable. Financial stress may make him feel a failure. Maybe this predicated by the natural loss of testosterone that men experience in age.
He seems willing to be honest with you, but uncertain of what is going on with himself. He may have an illness affecting his behavior that he doesn't even know about.
But how are you doing? It can't have been easy for you living with someone who has severe anxiety and depression.
Will you celebrate together Friday, honoring the in love years.
Will you leave the door wide open in case he "needs" to return to you.

You don't say how old. "Love" has roots in neurotransmitters and peptides (dopamine oxytocin). Our synapses have to fire "hot" to give us feelings. See brain areas of love below.
As we age, this organic mass changes and can become less efficient at processing life.
So, maybe not take it personally. It might just be organic.

@kimchi01 I’m relieved that you found us at Mayo Clinic Connect. We are supportive of one another through our own life experiences.

I was married for 16 years when my now ex-husband wanted a divorce. That was a long time ago (in 2000) and while the memories are still there, the pain and anxiety are gone. The marriage had problems for more than 10 years and yet I hung in there with many times thinking of filing for divorce. The problems are too complex and numerous to go into here and are not relevant. This is more about what I did at the time and what I wished I’d known then.

I hoped for a time that he would come back to the marriage. That lasted for a few months until I learned about the “red flags” I had ignored during the past few years of the marriage. Then I got angry and got busy taking care of me. When I told a few friends that he had moved out and we were headed for divorce female friends surrounded me with love and compassion. One of those friends is still dear to me. There was a whole community of women there for me. I found a psychologist to work with. I found a financial advisor to help me with financial planning and I found my own attorney to advise me through divorce.

My marriage did not survive but I did. To say I flourished without his “stuff” is putting it mildly. I became bolder in thinking and doing what I wanted. Over time I felt I regained my sense of self. Did I think I could do this at the start? No, not at all. But with the support of friends, and therapy, I did.

I know personally of a few couples who weathered through crises in their marriages and are back together. Would your husband be interested in marriage counseling? Does he see his own mental health therapist? And are you working with a mental health therapist?

His counselors said he is not ready as of yet. However, I do believe my husband would engage when he is ready. He was under two years of financial stress and the last 8 months being incredibly difficult. My husband has always been an amazing husband and him telling me this was like being smashed with a sand bag.

He did not communicate his feelings about the pressures he was holding in. I know he did this to spare me anxiety and to protect me. However, by doing so, he sacrificed himself and that deeply saddens me. He has always put me and my needs first. I believe we will make it through. I didn't because I had a counselor that did not take the time to understand me and my thought processes. I am ADHD and I see things and process differently. I got a new counselor that I spoke with today and I feel more hopeful and relieved after the session.

Just as an fyi my counselor was $120.00 every week. I went to better help and it's 30 some dollars a week with unlimited emails and I feel very happy, satisfied and comfortable with my choice in using them. (I added for those that have trepidation about those sites.)

Thank you for everyone's support and would love to hear from others who have endured this and made it through the other side with a happy intact marriage.

@gently
I read that he may feel that way. When he initially told Me this he did say that to me. He no longer says that and maybe it is internalized and possibly something he needs to work through.

kimchi01, it does seem like a form of temporary disassociation from himself.
What ever might be in the telling, he must have profound trust in you, and I can see why. All of your concern is for him. Other than caring we don't even know how his revelation descended upon you.
I think him lucky. You see him as able to work through his troubled thoughts. I suspect that it is you who have kept him from unraveling with depression.
I hope he just needs a little break.
If you are involved in his health care, some blood work might be revealing.

@shmerdloff 26 years

@shmerdloff
I mean his age, not how long you are married?

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