Caregiver grief

Posted by chris20 @chris20, Dec 1, 2023

Caregivers of loved ones with dementia all know the unusual grief we feel having lost the person we have loved for so long while still having them physically with us. I am grateful she is here, but saddened that her personality is so altered by the disease. I know she is hurting, especially when she is occasionally aware of her memory failure and cannot remember the birthdays of our children and grandchildren; remembers things that never happened, while denying things that did. She sometimes even asks, when looking at a photo of a granddaughter, who her parents are. Since I am with her 24/7, I help her save face by changing the subject when she asks a family member the same question fifteen or twenty times in a five minute period. I am glad November is over, because she habitually asks me, hundreds of times, what month we are in, I tell her November, and then she asks what day my birthday is. We have been together 60 years as of December 4th, 2023. Strange that she remembers the month but not the day. She asks if we had any children born in November. I remind her yes, one of our sons and also our daughter. I have been advised to "meet her where she is" (mentally), and I have been doing that for quite a few years now. Not sure if it really helps anything, it's just a "one day at a time" situation. God help us.

Interested in more discussions like this? Go to the Caregivers: Dementia Support Group.

Your last sentence says it all. Pray to God, He is there and He is listening.

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@anotherday

Your last sentence says it all. Pray to God, He is there and He is listening.

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Thank you so much for reminding me. I pray regularly but for some odd reason I haven't prayed for solutions or guidance for this specific grief. I have just been slogging through it and praying for the strength to handle it.

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@chris20, sometimes people refer to this type of grief as anticipatory grief or preparatory grief. It's as real, but different, as the grief when someone is no longer physically with us. You might appreciate the posts in this older, related discussion:
- Dementia and the grieving process: How are you coping? https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/the-grieving-process/

@jsaved74 also mentioned the challenges of their loved on not remembering special dates anymore.
- Alzheimer’s: Should I remind him of our anniversary?
https://connect.mayoclinic.org/discussion/alzheimers-dementia-1/

I'm glad that you opened this topic. Talking about it can help.

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