Broken Hearted, What can I do?

Posted by Native Floridian @nativefloridian, Oct 24, 2011

Is it really necessary to allow oneself to be mistreated for the sake of commitment? My heart aches because the man I am with is abusive. His mood swings often come in the early to late evening when he is tired. His eyes glaze over and he is angrier than anyone I have ever known. I don’t know what happened to him but he says things about his past that scare me sometimes. He won’t talk about it but he gets hateful at times and very mean. It is almost like he is taking it out on me, whatever bad things he has been through in his life.Although he does not physically abuse me, he does say alot of things that are very insulting, hurtful and mean when he is angry.

I do not know what to do anymore. I have taken him to medical doctors, psychologists and marriage counseling. He acts like a responsible adult during the daytime but when he is alone in the home with me things change. Sometimes it is like I live with a drug addict or someone with multiple personaility traits. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I told him tonight after he lambbasted me again (out of the blue) that I do not want him to scream at me and point his finger in my face ever again. He scares me sometimes. It is difficult to love this man anymore. My heart was broken years ago when he first started this, now it is just numb.

@shenriq

Hello broken-hearted,
I have read your comments and those of many others and here’s what I think. It is clear that you are working hard to be patient, loyal and committed, conflicted, fearful, and frustrated. The range of the feelings and experiences you shared says a lot about the consistent lack of fulfillment you are experiencing with your husband, a very troubled man. All the support you have given doesn’t seem to work to improve his understanding of himself and yours, despite the time you both have invested. Unfortunately, your spouse is falling short on his willingness to do the work to get healthy, which is unraveling your marriage and keeps you off balance — a very difficult and disappointing situation. So far, I’m hearing you are a victim of your decisions to stay with a husband who is a threat to you and robs you of happiness and safety.
Please give some thought to a few things, that come to mind: and don’t keep them in your head — get a journal and write them down – date your response and don’t edit!
What is it that you truly want from this relationship? What do you want from your husband? What do you want for yourself? What works in this marriage? What doesn’t? What about this relationship makes you happy? What keeps you in this relationship? What do you want more of, less of? Who can you trust to help you talk about your pain? You mentioned that you sought professional help. Are you continuing to work with this individual, since you said it was very helpful? If yes, what has been your learning? If no, why have you stopped seeing this individual?
Looking at the thoughts you documented, is this relationship working for you? What resources do you have or need, to help you move yourself from where you are, to where you want to be? Food for thought.
PS
Do you understand that you’re responsible for your own happiness? So, what holds you back from giving yourself this?

Jump to this post

Wow, i am truly moved in a god way by your words. This is because I’m in pretty much the same position. You really made each point so clear and thought provoking. I’m stuck, very lonely and very unhappy. I sought out help almost a year ago and it took until late this summer for me to just talk to my spouse and try to make some progress. Not much there. I’ve been married for 34 years and have been dealing with this for most years of it, about 27 years. It’s been intermittent but constant enough to make it a pattern. I struggle with my self worth and question my integrity for staying. I’ve been on antidepressants for a year and now have added anxiety meds. I began counseling a year ago too for my depression but was able to progress to the point of having my spouse sit in on one of my sessions to hear my pain. Unfortunately I’m in between counselors now due to the one i was using closing their satellite branch. Your very thoughtful, supportive, concise words really touched me and i have saved them to reread and feel the strength and clarity they give me. Thank you for making a difference!

REPLY

Sorry for all you are going through. It makes it more complicated when you love someone, as you obviously love your husband. This is a hard place to be stuck in for anyone. Please think first and foremost of your safety and sanity. Rely on those around you for help. Maybe your husband should spend some time staying with his family to give both of you a break and a real chance to think about the current situation.

Liked by Lisa Lucier

REPLY
Please login or register to post a reply.