Broken Hearted, What can I do?

Posted by Native Floridian @nativefloridian, Oct 24, 2011

Is it really necessary to allow oneself to be mistreated for the sake of commitment? My heart aches because the man I am with is abusive. His mood swings often come in the early to late evening when he is tired. His eyes glaze over and he is angrier than anyone I have ever known. I don’t know what happened to him but he says things about his past that scare me sometimes. He won’t talk about it but he gets hateful at times and very mean. It is almost like he is taking it out on me, whatever bad things he has been through in his life.Although he does not physically abuse me, he does say alot of things that are very insulting, hurtful and mean when he is angry.

I do not know what to do anymore. I have taken him to medical doctors, psychologists and marriage counseling. He acts like a responsible adult during the daytime but when he is alone in the home with me things change. Sometimes it is like I live with a drug addict or someone with multiple personaility traits. I’m tired of walking on eggshells. I told him tonight after he lambbasted me again (out of the blue) that I do not want him to scream at me and point his finger in my face ever again. He scares me sometimes. It is difficult to love this man anymore. My heart was broken years ago when he first started this, now it is just numb.

@vrswesley

If you can …..I hate to be harsh ….leave him… if its against your religion….God will understand….you arent required to live with someone who wont get help.
im sorry i know its not simple-i care

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It is not that simple. Are you married? That is a harsh opinion to have but I understand that some people just aren’t as tolerant as I am. I don’t think God wants people to just get divorced for the sake of divorce, to make life easier or more enjoyable Sure it would be nice sometimes to trade but that’s not really what God wants, i dont’ think.

REPLY

I am truly sorry for your suffering broken hearted! You are a champion to stand by and support your partner’s ailment. However you must keep yourself safe from harm. In addition, continue to seek help until you find the best possible resources. Ask friends, family, professionals until success happens! I will pray for positive results.

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@zenful

I am truly sorry for your suffering broken hearted! You are a champion to stand by and support your partner’s ailment. However you must keep yourself safe from harm. In addition, continue to seek help until you find the best possible resources. Ask friends, family, professionals until success happens! I will pray for positive results.

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Thank you, I appreciate your positive feedback and prayers. I am doing all of the things that you recommended. Seems to be helping, yet it is a daily struggle as I try to keep my emotions out of it.

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@debera

Sorry life is too short. How old is he? Has he been checked for bipolar. What time of day does this start?

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I’ve been thinking about what you wrote alot, you are so on target about this man I am married to. I am seriously considering ending the relationship if at all possible. I am so tired of dealing with someone that really doesn’t want to get ‘well’. He thinks I am his problem. He is cold, mean, uncaring and rude to me. When my teenagers are home (they live with their dad about an hour away) on weekends, etc. he is nice to them one weekend and the next he just ignores them. They think he doesn’t like them. I tend to agree. They are good kids and don’t deserve to have someone like him for a step dad. Sometimes I think it would be better for me to remove us from his life because he is not going to get better because he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his behavior. He feels justified in his anger and continues to act like a you-know-what when he is home. I hate it.

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you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that’s who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it’s you that has changed and you who hasn’t been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don’t marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people’s spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven’t chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that’s who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it’s you that has changed and you who hasn’t been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don’t marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people’s spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven’t chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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If he was so honest, then why didn’t he do what he said he was going to do? He promised he would go through with therapy for his “anger issues”. He quit going as soon as he started to talk with the therapist about his angry feelings. Therapy doesn’t ‘change’ someone’s personality. I married the man because I loved him for who he was and his anger has turned him into someone I didn’t marry. I think you’ve got it backwards and probably should learn more about therapy before you critique someone, Delia..

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@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that’s who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it’s you that has changed and you who hasn’t been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don’t marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people’s spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven’t chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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I’M UNCERTAIN AS TO WHOM I CRITIQUED. I MADE 2 DEDUCTIONS BASED ON YOUR LETTER. IF SOMEONE HAS A CHRONIC LIVER DISEASE, FOR EXAMPLE, THEY CAN GO FOR THERAPY AND GET MEDICATION, ETC…IF THEY FIND THEY CAN’T COPE, THEY WILL STOP. THE DISEASE GETS THE BETTER OF THEM DUE TO EITHER A LACK OF COURAGE OR A HORMONE THAT IS IN EXCESS QUANTITY OR TOO LIMITED QUANTITY, ETC… ALL I SAID WAS THAT HIS ANGER WAS EXPOSED TO YOU BEFORE YOU MARRIED HIM AND YOU DID HAVE CONCERNS THEN BUT YOUR LOVE WAS GREATER THAN YOUR WORRIES. NOW THE DISEASE/CONDITION/PERSONALITY DISORDER OR, WHATEVER IS THE ROOT CAUSE, SEEMS TO BE GETTING THE BETTER OF YOU AND YOUR CONCERNS ABOUT YOUR SPIRITUAL SURVIVAL ARE GREATER THAN ANY LOVE FOR HIM. YOU’RE THINKING OF QUITTING THAT PROJECT, YOUR MARRIAGE. SO THAT REMARK ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND BEING HONEST WAS TO CITE HIS LACK OF ‘PHONINESS’ AS HIS PREDISPOSITION TO ANGER/FRUSTRATION/ANXIETY WAS REVEALED TO YOU IN THE EARLY STAGES OF YOUR RELATIONHIP. YOU DID NOT MARRY A SIR WALTER RALEIGH WHO SUDDENLY SHOWED ALL SIGNS OF AN ANGRY HOSTILE SPOUSE AS SOON AS HE BECAME YOUR HUSBAND. HIS ANGER ISSUES ARE NOT ABOUT YOU, THAT’S THE BAGGAGE HE BROUGHT INTO THE MARRIAGE AND HE DID DISCLOSE THIS TO YOU. HIS INABILITY TO CONTINUE ANY TYPE OF TREATMENT FOR IT IN THE PRESENT OR SHORTLY AFTER THE MARRIAGE, IS NOT ABOUT YOU, IT’S HIS OWN DISEASE/CONDITION/PERSONALITY DISORDER/HORMONAL IMBALANCE THAT IS WEIGHING HIM DOWN, IT SEEMS EVEN MORE OVER TIME. HE IS BEING WEIGHED DOWN BY SOMETHING HE CANNOT GET ENOUGH CONTROL OVER TO GET HIM TO A THERAPIST; YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, ARE BEING WEIGHED DOWN BY HIS PROBLEMS. YOU ARE LOOKING FOR HELP AND I JUST THOUGHT, SINCE YOU ASKED, I’D SEND REFLECTIONS AND QUESTIONS YOUR WAY, BUT NO ANSWERS AND NO JUDGMENT. THIS IS YOUR LIFE AND ONLY YOU, AND YOU ALONE, CAN NAVIGATE WHAT IT IS YOU WANT TO NURTURE. WHEN YOU STEER YOUR OWN SHIP, WHICH IS, I WOULD IMAGINE, THE MAIN GOAL OF EVERY ADULT, YOU NURTURE YOURSELF FIRST AND THEN THE FLOW OF THAT CARE REACHES OUT TO THOSE AROUND YOU. YOU DECIDE WITH THIS FLOW OF ENERGY ‘HOW’ TO LOVE THOSE AROUND YOU. IT’S IMPORTANT NOT TO FEEL GUILTY IF THERE IS REJECTION AS THAT IS LOVE IN ITSELF, SEEING THAT THAT PERSON IS SEPARATE FROM YOU. IF YOUR LIFE’S AMBITIONS AND ACTIONS ARE PHYSICALLY BLOCKED OR EMOTIONALLY HAMPERED BY THE INFLUENCE OF ANOTHER, THEN QUESTIONS ABOUT EXPOSING YOUR JOYFUL SELF/SAD SELF TO THEM ON AN ONGOING DAILY BASIS IS LIKE HITTING YOUR HEAD INTO A WALL AND EXPECTING IT TO FEEL BETTER ON THE NEXT ATTEMPT. SOMEONE GREAT (INDIRA GHANDI?) SAID ‘you be the change’ . YOUR LETTER SHOWED THIS IS THE WAY YOU WERE THINKING, YOU COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

THE SECOND COMMENT WHICH I PUT IN QUESTION FORM WAS WHAT CAUSED THE CHANGE IN YOU? THIS IS NOT A CRITICISM OF YOU, SOME COULD TAKE THAT AS A COMPLIMENT. IF YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION THAT YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY AND REALIZED YOU DESERVED BETTER AND YOU ARE CAPABLE OF BEING A BETTER PERSON/HAPPIER AND LOVING WITHOUT HIM, THEN THIS CAN BE A MOVE IN ANOTHER DIRECTION OF YOUR CHOICE. IF YOU WOKE UP ONE DAY AND COULDN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE BECAUSE HE WAS NOT HELPING HIMSELF, YOU HAVE FINALLY PUT THE ONUS ON HIM AND ONLY HIM TO BETTER HIMSELF AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS OWN MISERIES (AND JOYS) AND NOT GET SUCKED INTO THE VACUUM OF BLAME. YOU CAN CHOOSE TO PUT THE EMPHASIS ON YOURSELF, YOUR OWN GOALS, COMPLETING YOUR OWN DREAMS AND LEAVING HIM BEHIND INSTEAD OF CONTINUUING TO HELP HIM AND FEELING DRAINED OF ENERGY FOR YOUR EFFORTS . A QUESTION IS NOT A CRITIQUE. IT IS THROUGH QUESTIONS FROM FRIENDS, FAMILY, ACQUAINTANCES, THERAPISTS, THAT YOU CLARIFY YOUR OWN THOUGHTS AND GET CONNECTED WITH YOUR OWN CREATIVITY ABOUT LIFE. A CONCERNED PERSON CAN ASK TOUGH QUESTIONS BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO BOTHER WITH THE QUESTION OR ENTERTAIN IT WITH AN ANSWER. A FEELING PERSON KNOWS IT’S ABOUT YOU AND YOUR PERSPECTIVES AND DOESN’T CARE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO ANSWER BUT THEY REFLECT ON YOUR CHOSEN TOPIC OF CONVERSATION THAT YOU INVITE THEM INTO. IF YOU ARE GIVING INFORMATION AND SEEKING INPUT ONLINE, IT IS NOT OUT OF LINE FOR SOMEONE TO ASK YOU A QUESTION ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS/THOUGHTS OR COMMENT ON THEM. YOU ONLY GO AROUND ONCE IN THIS WORLD, AND IT’S UP TO YOU TO DECIDE WHAT YOU WANT TO KEEP IN YOUR LIFE AND WHAT YOU WANT TO GET RID OF. WILL HE BE IN THE CREATIVE PROCESS OF YOUR OWN LIFE OR DO YOU FEEL YOUR CANVAS WOULD BE BETTER WITHOUT HIM? THIS BOILS DOWN TO HOW VITAL A PART OF YOUR LIFE HE IS AND CAN YOU DRAW AND COLOR ON THAT CANVAS MORE FLOWINGLY WITHOUT HIM? YOU, AND ONLY YOU, CAN ANSWER THAT QUESTION. LIFE CHANGES EVERY MINUTE AND WE CAN EMBRACE THE NOTION OF CHANGE AND DEAL WITH IT OR WE CAN RUN FROM IT AND THINK IT’S THE WAY IT WAS.
ARE YOU IN THE PRESENT MOMENT? HE IS WHO HE IS WITH HIS ANGER ISSUES THAT WERE ROOTED BEFORE THE MARRIAGE. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE WITH LOVE FOR HIM ROOTED BEFORE THE MARRIAGE. DO YOU WANT HIM TO LESSEN HIS ANGER ISSUES? THIS FOCUS IS JUST GOING NOWHERE AND YOU SAY YOU ARE BASICALLY IN LIMBO WITH THIS. SECONDLY, CAN YOU MOVE ON TO A LESS STRESSFUL PLACE OR ARE YOU STUCK IN THE PAST?

IF YOU LEAVE HIM, IT DOESN’T MEAN YOUR LOVE WASN’T OR ISN’T REAL, IT JUST MEANS THAT YOU LOVE LIFE AND YOU WANT A BETTER TOMORROW. HE CAN BE A REAL PART OF YOUR MEMORIES AND EXPOSURE TO HIM ON A LESS FREQUENT BASIS OR NO BASIS MAY BE THE ANSWER.

IF YOU STAY WITH HIM, AND YOU STAY THE SAME AND HE STAYS THE SAME, YOU WILL GET MORE OF THE SAME. IS THIS GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU?

I APOLOGIZE IF YOU FELT THERE WAS ANY JUDGMENT IN MY RESPONSE
YOU PUT IT OUT THERE, AND AS A LAY PERSON, GAVE MY HONEST FEELINGS ABOUT THE SITUATION, TAKING NO SIDES.

GOOD LUCK IN YOUR LIFE’S DECISIONS. DELIA SANDERSON

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People who behave as you describe your husband do not change when the behavior is long term and no treatment is available. While I respect the sanctity of marriage, it sounds like it is time for you to take care of yourself by seeking your own counselor and an attorney. You may also invest in a voice recording device (I like Olympic) to begin privately documenting your husband’s abusive behavior. You’ll want to be careful that you set up the recorder so that it does not make any sounds at all when you are using it (e.g., no beeps when the recorder is turned on/off and no sound if “play” is accidentally hit). You need a recorder that you can sync to your computer and you need to make sure that the files are password protected and hidden. The files will be large. You will also want some kind of external hard drive to back up your recordings weekly. Make sure to keep the external hard drive at a trusted friend’s house or family member. DO NOT allow your husband to know what you are doing. These files will be important to share with your lawyer and will also be useful with counseling. When you live with a person like your husband you might start doubting yourself or reality. It is very important to keep records for yourself so that you are able to know that your trauma is completely real. In addition to recording events I would also set up a private email address that only you know about and use this to keep a written journal of events. You will just write out your “journal entry” in an email that you send to yourself at the same email. These records will also be very important in helping you obtain the care and support you need to leave your husband or to have your husband removed from your home. Wishing you well. EN

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@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that’s who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it’s you that has changed and you who hasn’t been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don’t marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people’s spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven’t chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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I think this reply is irresponsible and wrong. The assumptions here may be projections or imagination at play. This response, Delia, invalidates the trauma this woman is experiencing by writing off what she has said, ignoring her feelings/pain/suffering, and making up scenarios that are absurd. How do you know this man was honest when they got married? How do you know this woman believed marriage would change this “honest” man? Who are you to pretend you know anything about this woman’s intentions, reasons for marriage, or current position. Her last line indicates that her husband’s behavior came about a few years ago and thus her pain and agony should be recognized by your own standards of issues regarding choice. If you choose to respond to this post, please don’t use all caps and please reflect before you write. I understand that it is difficult to be criticized in any forum. At the same time, this forum should be supportive and should not be blaming people seeking help, support, and advice. So, all caps and response that is clearly not thought out would be a waste of your time and our time. Please rethink and please figure out a way to be supportive. I am sure everyone here would appreciate that.

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@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that’s who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it’s you that has changed and you who hasn’t been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don’t marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people’s spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven’t chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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Don’t pay attention to anything from Delia on this issue. Bravo for your comment that this person has things quite mixed up. I’d ignore any further posts from this person. I hope you are getting help in this forum.

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@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that’s who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it’s you that has changed and you who hasn’t been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don’t marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people’s spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven’t chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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I think I understand better where Delia is coming from after reading her lengthy reply. I have been unusually stressed this week because things have escalated, the man stated he was ‘moving out and getting my own place’ on Monday evening. He disappeared for over 24 hours and then returned to our home. He has not spoken one word to me and continues to keep all of his clothing packed on his bed. I am waiting to see if he is moving out tomorrow since he has the day off.

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@deliasanderson

you married a man who was honest. you knew he had anger issues and he still has anger issues. you loved him then. you seem to think marriage should have changed him. if you wanted him changed, you should have waited till he finished his therapy and then decided if that’s who you wanted to marry. it seems to me that it’s you that has changed and you who hasn’t been honest about your reasons for marrying him..you don’t marry someone to change them, you marry them for who they are.. when people’s spouses change radically for the worst, then they really haven’t chosen this, but you knew what he was all about so what is it about you that has changed?

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I understand better where you are coming from and you raise questions that I feel are very valid for my situation. I appreciate the fact that you apologized although I am not sure that you needed to. I apologize for being rude, if I was. I have been very upset this week and know that my writings have not been very positive. I have suffered some trauma that I did not realize until this week. I have been repeatedly threatened with divorce and the emotional and verbal abuse has gotten to me. Symptoms of depression have been lingering as I struggle with the situation. I am seeking professional advice and do appreciate your concern and comments. I hope you will continue to follow this thread.

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