Bipolar Rage. Can't stop. Everyone's mad at me.

I can't comment from the perspective of bipolar since I'm not but I do understand anger.

Everyone is fundamentally afraid on some level, especially in the past few years but, overall, it's an underlying experience ubiquitous to being alive and sentient. Most people cope with their underlying fear by denying it, ignoring it, treating it (with meds, drugs, alcohol, extreme behaviors like sky diving, you fill in the blanks here), turning it inside (depression) or outside (aggression). Fear doesn't exist by itself and most Humans have a subconscious mechanism that turns it into something else. Those who struggle with chemical imbalance or whatever it is that causes "mental illness" aren't always able to use a subconscious mechanism (normally they're acquired in childhood as a coping mechanism for unhappy - or worse - circumstances). It isn't their FAULT they can't do that, it's the nature of their brain function. So occasionally (or, for some, most of the time) the management of fear is impossible and it turns to ANGER.

Even in the world of non-Humans, fear can turn to anger (there are three expressions of fear: fight, flight, freeze) and, sometimes, that anger can become AGGRESSION: striking out (dogs bite, cats scratch, horses kick, etc.) In the Human, aggression can mean violent displays of physical harm but, most often, it means lashing out at others.

So what you're doing isn't a deliberate verbal assault, it's a form of adult "tantrum" driven by fear the situation elicits (that you're not in touch with at that moment) that is defended by anger and expressed with verbal aggression. I think most people have experienced this at one time or another, at least, i.e., during arguments with a spouse or close friend, when they might find themselves saying to that person "I didn't mean it". Saying ugly things to someone is definitely not an unconscious act, the person certainly did "mean it" at that time; it's probably an echo of how the person was treated in childhood or a very strong acquired defense mechanism against verbal abuse the person received from a loved on at some point.

There is a way to address this and attempt to get some control over its expression toward onself (in depression) or others, but when you're bipolar it might be more difficult: that way is by really getting in touch with that anger in therapy. You need a very skilled therapist for this, someone you absolutely trust, because underneath that anger is an enormous amount of FEAR and HUGE sense of VULNERABILITY. It takes time, it doesn't always work (especially if you're very very stressed), but overall it does teach you to redirect fear into something else and not allow it to put you into a place where your anger reaction turns into verbal (or physical) aggression.

There are times anger is called for, it's an appropriate response. But sometimes it's best, to protect ONESELF, expressed in ways that don't direct it toward the person who "deserves" to hear it. Your psychiatrist must know a therapist capable of helping you deal with the fear you experience that expresses itself in anger. Ask for a referral.

Dear BPForLife,

You don't have to have bipolar disorder for life. You can develop emotional regulation.

I found something absolutely amazing when I found my emotional regulation. It felt like I had been imprisoned most of my life and I finally became free.

No healthcare provider should ever yell at a patient!

If the patient is dangerous then the provider should take the necessary steps to protect everyone involved, including the patient.

A medical provider who can not control their own emotions is far more dangerous than the wounded souls they are supposed to help.

First they told me I was depressed but I accomplished too much to be depressed.

So they diagnosed me with bipolar disorder.

Then I was “energetically suicidal” so they shocked my brain and gave me more drugs and labeled me “treatment resistant”.

For fifteen years I watched everything and everyone be stripped from my life.

When I finally snapped they put me in prison.

When I took control of my own life and told them what I wanted they dismissed me.

Four months latter I take no medication have started a new company, am trying to reconnect and make amends to my ex-wife and children

and I am some kind of miracle.

No, I can read!

Apparently none of the countless number of providers I trusted can.

I made the tragic mistake of not educating myself on what was going on with me.

The tragedy visited on my wife and children could all have been avoided with a simple Google search.

The tragedy that was the last fifteen years of my life would never had to happened if even one person, most of all me, had the humility to just say “I don’t know, maybe I will look this up”

I no longer accept what any provider tells me. I do my own research and then “I” decide.

If I am going to suffer at least I will know who to blame.

I hope you find the peace you deserve.

I agree with you about the fear. I am afraid of not having my physical medical issues managed. In this last case, I had just spent a week in the hospital and received a new diagnosis. I needed to follow-up urgently with my primary care doctor to have him coordinate my care. He said he would see me, but then blindsided me when I showed up to the appointment. He only brought me in to deliver a dismissal letter to me.

Now I am worried my psychiatrist is going to stop treating me. I like him a lot and have seen him for 2 1/2 years.
I do have an excellent therapist who has been working with me on my anger issues for 3 years. I do ok when I have time to talk with him to coordinate a response. However, I run into trouble when something catches me off guard and I instantly react.

Thank you for your comments. They are very helpful.

Thank you for your response. I am sure that it may be possible for some to do. I have had BiPolar for more than 30 years. Initially I refused to accept the diagnosis or meds for many years. I believe now that I could have avoided a lot of episodes had I been willing to admit my issues and adhere to treatment. My Bipolar issues are compounded by a large amount of trauma. I have a good team and I stick with the meds because my daughter requested I do so. However, it is still not easy and I am still trying to figure out how to manage my anger and rage. I can go from 0 to 1000 in a microsecond.

Dear BPForLife,

I am 62.

I had been mentally ill for more than five decades as the result of the traumatic influence of my mom and dad.

My dad beat me brutally as a child and a teen. He beat anger into me. That is what he taught me.

Half of my birth family died from suicide. In my recently published book, "Tools of Transformation", I share: My mom hung herself in the basement of our house; my baby brother found her and committed suicide some years after that; and my older brother overdosed on barbiturates and heroin.

At the age of 30, to save my life, I checked myself into an inpatient psychiatric unit.

I took lithium for much of the next three decades. Although that medicine masked some of my worst symptoms, my true healing, the development of stable and strong emotional regulation, in-place of a volatile "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" personality, is what freed me from the prison of mental illness.

I believe, on the most profound level, that any mental illness is reparable, no matter how grave. That is the underlying message of "Tools of Transformation," and the second book in my transformational series, "Secrets of Sleep."

In my yet-to-be-published book, "The Root Cause and Fix of Every Illness," I generalize some of the principles in the first two books in my series.

Most Sincerely,
Joe Lerner

Is there a setting where you could get your medications balanced? It sounds like your "rage" might be beyond your control? My husband has some issues with dementia, and while it is not the same, I wonder if staying hydrated, avoiding sugar and substitutes and revamping your diet to non-processed would help. A daily habit of taking walks might also help reduce stress-rage. Eliminate frustration by keeping things simple, setting a schedule and writing down tasks to be done as well as other coping skills. I think when one is in the midst of this it can be difficult to make a plan, but Habits can work through.

@bpforlife
What medications are you taking?
Jake

@bpforlife Your description of what has been happening is indeed sad and so disappointing. I’d like to think that all of the medical providers we see will be patient, listen to us, and will help us find the best solution. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen for many reasons including the fact that the medical providers are human. We react, they react, and it all escalates from there.

I have a suggestion. My suggestion has worked for me many times that I have worried about something that might or might not happen and so I’m feeling very anxious. I am proactive. I’m going to use a medical appointment as an example for being proactive. Let’s imagine an appointment with your psychiatrist. At the very beginning of the appointment, you will say « I want to share something about myself. I am very reactive and sometimes I get very angry. I know you are here to help me. I’m telling you this to get this out in the open because it will help me feel more calm during our appointment ».

I made up the words you could say but hopefully you get the idea. I’m thinking you are worried that you will be filled with rage before you have a chance to tell your doctor what’s going on with you. If you put it all out there at the beginning of your appointment your doctor won’t be caught so off-guard. You don’t have to tell the doctor about your childhood trauma. Make your proactive statement short and also let the doctor know you are working with a therapist who has been helping you.

If was a doctor and someone was proactive with me like I described I would try my best to listen and help.

I have used this method many, many times. I’ve used it with doctors, at work, and in my personal relationships. It works for me. I hope it could work for you.

What do you think about my suggestions?

@bpforlife
I don’t claim to know anything about bipolar, however, someone wrote that their neurologist said 100 mg of B-6 helped with the rage sometimes caused by the seizure drug Keppra, which is also prescribed for bi-polar. Are taking it?
I was wondering if the B-6 might also help the rage your enduring. even if not caused by Keppra. Might be worth asking your doctor about it.
Good luck,
Jake