Mayo Clinic Connect
My boyfriend is bipolar..Is it common for them to turn things around on you, no matter what you say or do? game-playing and definately a one way street, things will set them off?
Hi there. I think the disease affects people in different ways. I have bipolar disorder and was still really new to the disease when I got married. My mood swings put such a strain on the relationship that 6 years of dating turning into about a year and a half of marriage. I had times where I acted irrationally and lashed out at my wife and my family. If you can tell when your boyfriend is agitated or on the high end of his mood, I would suggest trying to keep the peace and don’t try to win any arguements. I also found medication to be VERY important for me, so if he allows you, support him to find the combination that is going to stabilize his mood the best. Above all else, try your best to ignore his crap when he’s not well. Speaking from experience, I was never myself at the high or low ends and none of the stuff I said or did was rational.
Thank you your feedback is helpful…you are correct, there is no winning an argument…keeping the peace can be exhausting….most days i do ignore the crap and he says he hates it because i dont play his games…I dont believe its an excuse to be hurtful to someone. I do not understand what he is going through mentally/physically…I am just going to try to get him some help and I am trying to understand bipolar….I think my sister is also bipolar…I have an aunt who is bipolar….It’s a very selfish state of mind-not judging-just based on facts/experience…If you know you are playing games, why dont you control it? Is is just a compulsion thats too overpowering? I read about euphoria on this website….thank you again….just let yourself be happy and know that there are good people out there.
The best way I can answer the question ‘Why don’t you control it?’ is by getting you to try to think of mental illness no differently than a physical illness like diabetes or asthma. Your boyfriend is most likely over reacting to things because unbalanced brain chemistry is causing him to perhaps feel agitated or think irrationally. It’s not a compulsion. The illness alters your personality. In my case, I know that I need to stick to my medication and work on psychological stuff too so that I can address the mental part of my actions and reactions. The medication is just there to balance brain chemistry. Do your best to find time for yourself that will allow you to get your mind of this for an hour or two at a time. You’ve already told me how exhausting it is and it sounds familiar. My ex also needed more support from my parents. Her comment was that everyone always was checking to make sure I was OK but never asked her how she was handling things. Don’t be afraid to be selfish yourself and look for some support. Your boyfriend (and sister) will be fine. I have had to take a different path in life than I would have hoped because of my illness, but for the most part I still participate in all the things I love to do and am still working on getting healthier mentally.
WHY DOES THE BIPOLAR PERSON ATTACK THE ONES THAT LOVE THEM. DO THE FAMILY MEMBERS.BECOME CONDITIONED TO TRYING TO KEEP PEACE?
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Thank you…talking to others has helped me feel like I am not alone….that’s why I am here..help for him and myself…once you understand that its physical and not personal-that helps too….you should stay on here and talk to people…its helpful….I think a lot of your life has to do with your own outlook…some days thats all i feel i need…a few minutes to myself…we have kids and its hard sometimes..its hard for anyone…His daughters are obviously better at his games than i am but i dont want to play games…my hope is just for everyone to have fun and feel good about themselves….thank you again..stay positive…
Frosty, you have made a very astute and intelligent remark. YES…this DOES happen. Like living with an alcoholic… you can become an ENABLER by ‘taking it all’ and assuming its ‘all up to me’ to keep the peace. No. I know I have made remarks on this thread that will be upsetting to people who prefer to the ‘they just can’t help it” attitude. One can become ADDICTED to being mean. Drugs can help. Counseling can help. But STILL a person has to truly BELIEVE they can change and want to assume responsibility knowing it will be hard work — but worth it. Sometimes ‘tough love’ is the only answer… and sometimes walking away is the only answer. There are no easy answers, but there ARE answers.
Liked by Roxie43
I went through hell with a family member who is alcoholic and may have a mental disorder. No matter how I encouraged, she wouldn’t get help. Finally, I just had to let go and pray that she gets help. She says horrible mean things about people and distorts truth, etc. Perhaps a professional reading this may have answers.
Believe me I have dealt with many illnesses within family and outside (i.e. others). Am very compassionate, understanding or should I say ”was” until I read some books. When your own health deteriorates because of others, it is time to ask questions. Some people are very grateful for help but others are inclined to take caretakers for granted. They become extremely (or perhaps they have been like this all along) manipulative and abusive in some cases. They use the illness as an excuse. I will still help people but I will not take verbal abuse or insults of any kind. Yes, I have heard some say “oh, I am this way because of my illness”. There is a lot to be said for “tough love”. One can be kind but firm—don’t become a doormat for others. When your health goes, they are not there and they will find others to …… Take care of self and then you have energy for dealing with others. If a person doesn’t want to help self, nobody else can do it for them.
my problems furthered… im greatfull for your reply and i trust that your doing well… its just my bf ended up cheating on me and the doctors say im … bipolar??? i dont even understand
I was diagnoesd as being bi-polar in about 1998 or so. It has taken me a long time to feel like I understand how the illness effects me and what I need to do to control it. The journey has involved A LOT of learning and taking the time to participate in therapy of some sort. I been involved in programs that were more like courses, done a few different types of group therapy, worked with 2 psychiatrists and 2 psychologists over this time, spent 2 weeks in a psychiatric ward after a manic episode where I participated in different programs. Topics of the courses I have taken include things like stress management, anger management, relaxation techniques, cognitive behavior techniques, WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan), My message is that it is in your best interest to learn as much about bi-polar as you can, figure out how things relate to you and work with a psychologist AND a psychiatrist to help you through things. I found that until I was committed to making changes and actually working on myself, I was just spinning my wheels and not making much progress. On the other hand, I think I needed a lot of time to get to the point where I was ready to move forward and I don’t think there is anything too wrong with that either. Move at your own pace if you are able to, keep doing things that you enjoy and try not to beat yourself up about making mistakes or having bad days along the way. I have learned more from the times I have screwed up or made mistakes than when things have been fine. If I can work though this, any one can.
thank you for your time..i agree abuse is abuse….an illness is not an excuse…no one should be a doormat in any situation…yes i have to take better care of myself .
hope you are doing good….i think it would be harder to be bipolar than diabetic….again not an excuse to cheat….i just feel crazy some days…
i like your post…its true…i want to help him but he has to agree with it and i am tired of keeping the peace…we both have kids…they dont need to see that..im pretty forward though…
yes there are distortions of the truth…interesting….thank you i feel better hearing other peoples situations
you are right you have to want the help…he has to make that choice…i will help him even if it means im the bad guy…just to see him successful…and better…we are old enough though…
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