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lilgrizz
@lilgrizz

Posts: 45
Joined: Aug 29, 2017

Are you ever afraid of dying alone because of your mental illness?

Posted by @lilgrizz, Oct 11, 2017

I don’t know about you but it seems everyone I know who has a mental illness has some other illness, usually physically, to go along with it. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1, severe, PTSD, multiple sclerosis in 2012, lupus in 2012, degenerative scoliosis in 2013, which I have now had 2 surgery for. Let me think……I believe that is all. I divorced in 1997 from my 2nd marriage and have had 3 dates since then. its like they find out like what all is wrong with me and they can’t run fast enough to get away from me. I don’t know about u but i’m scared to die alone.

REPLY

Hello @lilgrizz I am sorry to hear of your health issues. While I am no medical professional, I agree it does seem that mental illnesses and physical illnesses sometimes go hand in hand. Then again I also know several folks who battle only one or the other.

Physical and mental illnesses can also lead to, or exacerbate isolation and feelings of isolation. In the case of my wife many people evidently just had no idea how to interact with her as her medical condition changed. So they simply ghosted on us.

All I can say about your fear is that none of us know when we will breathe our last. All we can do is keep on living as best we can and not dwell on when or where we might die.

Strength, courage, and peace!

@lilgrizz , Hi. Wow, that is a powerful admission to make. I also am in front of 2 divorces, and my health seems to be going downhill with diabetes, hypothyroidism, gastroparesis, heart problems, gee that’s enough. Oh, let’s add severe depression, and it appears a little PTSD to boot. Yeah, I’m afraid of being in a nursing home with no relatives coming by. I have my two kids, thank God, but I’m scared to death for them because neither one takes care of themselves. They both have diabetes, and my daughter also has hypothyroidism. You would think I’m contagious! I have to remember that having illnesses makes you prone to having depression. I finally went to see a therapist again, as it turns out it was a one time shot! I asked him should I make another appointment and he says no. WTH! I need someone to talk to. Talking to my daughter about death is freaking her out, understandably. I guess that’s what I want to talk about, death. I guess everyone wonders when and how. Is this what you wanted to talk about? Let me know and I can shut my mouth. I’ll go for now. You take a pretty picture. Dany

Not certain which I fear the most-dying or living alone because of mental inadequacies. I tell no one how despondency has slowly entered and is like a leach that is sucking a way at my will to even try. Paste on a smile and dare not tell another about the fears inside. Sounds like one wallowing in self-pity. I am wrought w/ physical and emotional pain. I desire to be included and, yet, can no longer find the energy.
Move on? For what?
Surely I will get through this. Currently unenthusiastic. No longer have the desire to even try to placate myself with platitudes. The depression deceptions have a hold and not even wanting to fight the darkness. It always returns.

@parus

Not certain which I fear the most-dying or living alone because of mental inadequacies. I tell no one how despondency has slowly entered and is like a leach that is sucking a way at my will to even try. Paste on a smile and dare not tell another about the fears inside. Sounds like one wallowing in self-pity. I am wrought w/ physical and emotional pain. I desire to be included and, yet, can no longer find the energy.
Move on? For what?
Surely I will get through this. Currently unenthusiastic. No longer have the desire to even try to placate myself with platitudes. The depression deceptions have a hold and not even wanting to fight the darkness. It always returns.

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@patshaw
I am sorry that you find yourself in such a tough place right now. I find your words, “depression deceptions,” to be very descriptive. Depression really does cause deceptions, doesn’t it?

Thanks for sharing this with us. We hope that this time of “deception” will lift soon.

Teresa

Liked by Parus

@parus

Not certain which I fear the most-dying or living alone because of mental inadequacies. I tell no one how despondency has slowly entered and is like a leach that is sucking a way at my will to even try. Paste on a smile and dare not tell another about the fears inside. Sounds like one wallowing in self-pity. I am wrought w/ physical and emotional pain. I desire to be included and, yet, can no longer find the energy.
Move on? For what?
Surely I will get through this. Currently unenthusiastic. No longer have the desire to even try to placate myself with platitudes. The depression deceptions have a hold and not even wanting to fight the darkness. It always returns.

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@parus— so great to hear from you. Very sorry things have felt dark.

You really have a way with words and put into eloquent text what many are thinking on the inside. You are not alone–we are with you.

@IndianaScott

Hello @lilgrizz I am sorry to hear of your health issues. While I am no medical professional, I agree it does seem that mental illnesses and physical illnesses sometimes go hand in hand. Then again I also know several folks who battle only one or the other.

Physical and mental illnesses can also lead to, or exacerbate isolation and feelings of isolation. In the case of my wife many people evidently just had no idea how to interact with her as her medical condition changed. So they simply ghosted on us.

All I can say about your fear is that none of us know when we will breathe our last. All we can do is keep on living as best we can and not dwell on when or where we might die.

Strength, courage, and peace!

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@IndianaScott so sorry it took me so long to reply. I appreciate your message and also hurt for the pain you must feel with your wife’s sickness. Your response to not dwell on when and where hit me hard like I needed. Thank you. Self pity can be so ugly sometimes.

@danybegood1

@lilgrizz , Hi. Wow, that is a powerful admission to make. I also am in front of 2 divorces, and my health seems to be going downhill with diabetes, hypothyroidism, gastroparesis, heart problems, gee that’s enough. Oh, let’s add severe depression, and it appears a little PTSD to boot. Yeah, I’m afraid of being in a nursing home with no relatives coming by. I have my two kids, thank God, but I’m scared to death for them because neither one takes care of themselves. They both have diabetes, and my daughter also has hypothyroidism. You would think I’m contagious! I have to remember that having illnesses makes you prone to having depression. I finally went to see a therapist again, as it turns out it was a one time shot! I asked him should I make another appointment and he says no. WTH! I need someone to talk to. Talking to my daughter about death is freaking her out, understandably. I guess that’s what I want to talk about, death. I guess everyone wonders when and how. Is this what you wanted to talk about? Let me know and I can shut my mouth. I’ll go for now. You take a pretty picture. Dany

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@danybegood1 hey sorry it took so long to reply. Some days the pain from all ailments just make it too hard to sit and think. Thank you so much for your reply . We have so much in coming. Ravaged with illness, divorced, and how people can look at our mental illness in an outstandingly horrible way. Wow I would love to get my hands around that therapist neck who treated you so coldly. My kids also freak out when I talk about death and dying alone and they get really mad at me. They talk to me like I’m not going to die so end of conversation. As I think about it though I really shouldn’t put that kind of undue pressure upon my children. My parents are 75 and I take care of them and I take care of them and I tell them all the time their not dyeing. Kind of makes me a hypocrite. haha. I not know so much to think about. So much I wish I didn’t think about. My bipolar mind just want listen to me. Darn it!

@parus

Not certain which I fear the most-dying or living alone because of mental inadequacies. I tell no one how despondency has slowly entered and is like a leach that is sucking a way at my will to even try. Paste on a smile and dare not tell another about the fears inside. Sounds like one wallowing in self-pity. I am wrought w/ physical and emotional pain. I desire to be included and, yet, can no longer find the energy.
Move on? For what?
Surely I will get through this. Currently unenthusiastic. No longer have the desire to even try to placate myself with platitudes. The depression deceptions have a hold and not even wanting to fight the darkness. It always returns.

Jump to this post

@parus talking about hitting the nail on the head. Are you like a therapist, doc, or even an author. Your words could move mountains. Sorry it took so long to reply, just some days pain, some day depression, and believe it or not even days of mania prevent me from getting on the computer. The things you say are like you have a psychic look into my brain. And as I just got through telling someone else before I got to your reply, self pity can be so ugly. And when certain people listen to you, you can begin to tell by the expression on their face that that is the thought going through their unsympathetic mind. Sympathy is not what I want, just understanding. I think that is 2 different ideas here. I don’t know about you but I’m tired. “Move on? For What?” Sometimes I think move on to where? I’ve tried all directions and keep ending back up in the same spot.

@parus

Not certain which I fear the most-dying or living alone because of mental inadequacies. I tell no one how despondency has slowly entered and is like a leach that is sucking a way at my will to even try. Paste on a smile and dare not tell another about the fears inside. Sounds like one wallowing in self-pity. I am wrought w/ physical and emotional pain. I desire to be included and, yet, can no longer find the energy.
Move on? For what?
Surely I will get through this. Currently unenthusiastic. No longer have the desire to even try to placate myself with platitudes. The depression deceptions have a hold and not even wanting to fight the darkness. It always returns.

Jump to this post

@parus Thank you!

Liked by Parus

@lilgrizz Why there are places such as this with folks whom do “get it”. I hear your pain and frustration. We do not choose to be the way we are at times. I am where I am physically as to where I live because it is the best I can do. So, retirement is not what I had expected. Apartment living is certainly different and horrifically loud at times. At least not a place that is crime infested and mostly a senior community. 65 hit hard. I only know my brain and how I feel…we are on a similar path. I also feel stuck and it takes every ounce of strength (paltry at best), fortitude, tenacity and just plain mule-headedness to even wash a cup. I make a short list of goals to accomplish each day-do not always achieve thus and it is okay.
I was perusing youtube and found a group called “Anthem Lights”. Put their music on this morning, started singing along and was amazed that I accomplished the 3 things on my list!!! I know I struggle to keep myself motivated as no one else will do this for me…Girl, even if you only stand up you have achieved something. Give yourself kudos when you can. Okay, I am now in need of the heating pad and a cup of herbal tea.
Hugs and encouragement to be all you can be and nothing more.

@danybegood1

@lilgrizz , Hi. Wow, that is a powerful admission to make. I also am in front of 2 divorces, and my health seems to be going downhill with diabetes, hypothyroidism, gastroparesis, heart problems, gee that’s enough. Oh, let’s add severe depression, and it appears a little PTSD to boot. Yeah, I’m afraid of being in a nursing home with no relatives coming by. I have my two kids, thank God, but I’m scared to death for them because neither one takes care of themselves. They both have diabetes, and my daughter also has hypothyroidism. You would think I’m contagious! I have to remember that having illnesses makes you prone to having depression. I finally went to see a therapist again, as it turns out it was a one time shot! I asked him should I make another appointment and he says no. WTH! I need someone to talk to. Talking to my daughter about death is freaking her out, understandably. I guess that’s what I want to talk about, death. I guess everyone wonders when and how. Is this what you wanted to talk about? Let me know and I can shut my mouth. I’ll go for now. You take a pretty picture. Dany

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You are not a hypocrite…Talk about your dark stuff here as it is a safe place. I also have PTSD.

@parus

@lilgrizz Why there are places such as this with folks whom do “get it”. I hear your pain and frustration. We do not choose to be the way we are at times. I am where I am physically as to where I live because it is the best I can do. So, retirement is not what I had expected. Apartment living is certainly different and horrifically loud at times. At least not a place that is crime infested and mostly a senior community. 65 hit hard. I only know my brain and how I feel…we are on a similar path. I also feel stuck and it takes every ounce of strength (paltry at best), fortitude, tenacity and just plain mule-headedness to even wash a cup. I make a short list of goals to accomplish each day-do not always achieve thus and it is okay.
I was perusing youtube and found a group called “Anthem Lights”. Put their music on this morning, started singing along and was amazed that I accomplished the 3 things on my list!!! I know I struggle to keep myself motivated as no one else will do this for me…Girl, even if you only stand up you have achieved something. Give yourself kudos when you can. Okay, I am now in need of the heating pad and a cup of herbal tea.
Hugs and encouragement to be all you can be and nothing more.

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@parus

What an encouraging post! I pulled up “Anthem Lights” on Youtube and really enjoyed their music. Music is a great medicine for all that ails you! I volunteer for a group called Therapy Choirs and you don’t have to have musical talent, but just want the benefits of singing. The group is mainly composed of folks with TBIs or neurological problems that affect their speech. Here are some webpages about it, http://www.therapychoirs.org/. Here is a story about one of our members that was in a local newspaper, http://www.hometownlife.com/story/opinion/columnists/2017/08/09/inspiration-look-farmington-hills-listen-singing/104370448/.

Teresa

@parus @lilgrizz @danybegood1 – I kind of abandoned Connect for the past week. I’ve had a cold, and depression seems to have taken a dive, so I haven’t felt like writing, and now I have a huge backlog in my inbox.

I visit a woman each week who has told me about her fears of dying. She’s not afraid of what follows, because she’s looking forward to Heaven. But it’s the act of dying that bothers her. She’s 103, so she’s had a long time to think about it. I try to be a thoughtful friend to her, and I’ve let her know that if I know her death is near, I will be with her to pray and sit with her. Of course, I’ve tried to reassure her that death often is not a painful thing, and I think that has calmed some of her fears. In the meantime, I enjoy having conversation with a woman who has lived that long, and remembers details of times and places and events both current and what might be called ancient. She loves my smartphone because I can look up her childhood homes and talk about who lives there now, and find the landmarks. Really interesting. I think I feel less depressed during the hours I spend with her.

I tapered off a medication a few weeks ago, and I know that part of my deeper depression is connected with that. It was Cymbalta, which I had been taking for peripheral neuropathy pain, along with morphine, and Cymbalta is also an antidepressant. The interesting thing is that I felt no improvement in my mood when I started taking it a year or two ago.

A separate issue I’ve been having is waking up in the night with a panic attack. If you’ve had one, you know how not fun they are. It sometimes makes me afraid or anxious about going to sleep. So far, I’ve been able to deal with them by sitting up in bed, focusing on my breathing and just giving it some time to pass. I pray and sometimes read, but I don’t like to wake up my wife, though I told her that if she does wake up, it helps to ground me if she will rest her hand on my arm or my back.

Well, it’s that time again. It’s after midnight and I can’t put it off forever. Hopefully this will be a night without any issues.

Y’all have a good weekend.

Jim

@parus

Not certain which I fear the most-dying or living alone because of mental inadequacies. I tell no one how despondency has slowly entered and is like a leach that is sucking a way at my will to even try. Paste on a smile and dare not tell another about the fears inside. Sounds like one wallowing in self-pity. I am wrought w/ physical and emotional pain. I desire to be included and, yet, can no longer find the energy.
Move on? For what?
Surely I will get through this. Currently unenthusiastic. No longer have the desire to even try to placate myself with platitudes. The depression deceptions have a hold and not even wanting to fight the darkness. It always returns.

Jump to this post

@lilgrizz BTW-not an author, therapist nor a doc. Hope things are improving at times. Grasp the concept of returning to the same spot and also the fatigue. Self-pity does dawn its ugly face uninvited. Most days I feel like a conglomerate of negativity and incompetence. Just got a new laptop this past Wednesday and already giving me fits. A tech person I am not and the attitude of this contraption has proven to me it does not agree with requests by telling me “unresponsive programs”-this technological beast and the user have a lot in common!!! I will omit a streak of deleted expletives as this would be indicative of crudeness and a lacking vocabulary. Moving like a slug for now…no salt-shakers needed…grin.

@parus

@lilgrizz Why there are places such as this with folks whom do “get it”. I hear your pain and frustration. We do not choose to be the way we are at times. I am where I am physically as to where I live because it is the best I can do. So, retirement is not what I had expected. Apartment living is certainly different and horrifically loud at times. At least not a place that is crime infested and mostly a senior community. 65 hit hard. I only know my brain and how I feel…we are on a similar path. I also feel stuck and it takes every ounce of strength (paltry at best), fortitude, tenacity and just plain mule-headedness to even wash a cup. I make a short list of goals to accomplish each day-do not always achieve thus and it is okay.
I was perusing youtube and found a group called “Anthem Lights”. Put their music on this morning, started singing along and was amazed that I accomplished the 3 things on my list!!! I know I struggle to keep myself motivated as no one else will do this for me…Girl, even if you only stand up you have achieved something. Give yourself kudos when you can. Okay, I am now in need of the heating pad and a cup of herbal tea.
Hugs and encouragement to be all you can be and nothing more.

Jump to this post

@parus I always look forward to your replies. It is like you can read my mind at times and your funny at times. Mule-headedness; I like that. lol. Since I became bipolar I love listening to lots of hard rock and roll when i’m manic but I haven’t been that high in some time. But for the first time about three months ago I was feeling really, really manic and my 75 yr old dad was washing dishes and a good ole 70’s rock song came on, can’t remember which one anymore, but anyway they caught the news guy dancing and he didn’t realize he was on live and it really cracked my up. He was no John Travolta. It cracked me up and my dad asked what was so funny so I went about telling and showing him. Big mistake. Since they put two rods in my back running from the top of my shoulder blades to the top of my tailbone and they don’t bend or twist but in my elation I didn’t think about that and went to show my dad had the nerd on tv was dancing and found out real quick that I couldn’t dance like that no more which meant I couldn’t do much of any kind of dancing anymore. I got scared and yanked my shirt up with my back to my dad and yell, “Daddy. is my back still straight?” Luckily it was but I pulled just about every muscle in my back. talk about crashing immediately down from mania to depression In about 1min sucked. Now that story was leading up to something and I will be darn if I forgot what it was. Freaking MS. I CAN”T remember anything anymore because of it. Oh I do remember my dad looked at me like I had 3 heads so I took a pain pill and some muscle relaxers and went back to bed. I mean if your dad can’t understand you how you expect others to accept you with all your ailments how can you make friends to accept you the way you are. I have tried and it don’t work. I have no friends. I mean 0. Ofcourse most of my time is spent taking care of my parents. my mom is blind and my dad can hardly walk from a botched back surgery and is in severe back pain 24/7. Oh me I’ve done worked myself into a tissy. Haha the dictionary says tissy isn’t a word, but down south in Alabama it sure is.lol Have a good day.

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