1. < Loss & Grief

Adult child estrangement

Posted by sueborfl @sueborfl, Aug 21, 2023

As parents who just experienced and now dealing with an adult daughter now 52 yrs old —she has deduced that her parents are part of, if not all at fault force her clinical depression problems and subsequent lifestyle difficulties since she was born. Needless to say, we have our conversations with clinical people who are showing us the opposite. And also showing us where many parental faults may lie. All comments welcome.

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coldagglutinin01 | @coldagglutinin01 | Aug 22, 2023

Family therapy continues to help families , it helped mine .
Encouraging you to get the tools to help you through this.
God bless

REPLY
kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 21, 2023

I totally understand. My daughter, 48, blames me for everything. Her father and I divorced when she was in 1st grade. According to her I was never there like before. Yes, I was working a full time job that required overtime at times in the year. It was my fault that her father didn't show up t pick her up for visitation. And on and on. I am terrible because her father would tell her he didn't pick her up because of me....what he left out is that I had to fight with him for child support, medical, etc. She needed orthodontic braces and the court ordered him to pay for them. He wouldn't and didn't leaving bill collectors to come after me. I had to take him to court for that and the Judge said that since I had paid the portion owned IT WAS PAID and he owned me nothing!! I got him to pay for the braces but only after I had my Mother call his sister about what was going on. Then he agreed but only if a certain dentist in his area (55 miles away) did the work. Fortunately my parents were retired and could drive her up there, which he never expected.

The coup foray came when he told her that I supposedly had a lot of money for her college (I did not). He told her that what child support he did pay me was to be put away for her college (???) She took me to court over this. She could prove nothing. There was an account I had that I had put birthday money, gift money etc. in for her over the years and it came to around $2,500. This I transferred to her when she turned 18. That turned out to be a stupid thing for me to do because she claimed she never got it and it was supposed to be a lot more than that.

In flaming her lawsuit against me for $$ she also claimed to be afraid of me. Always insisted that she was afraid to be around me, I had to leave before she would leave the courthouse (dramatics) Claimed I threw her out of house the summer between her junior and senior year at college. That was bunk.

What happened is that I, and my hubby) came home to find her and her boyfriend hunka chunkaing in her bedroom. I told her that I did not approve of that. She told me that she could do what she wanted where she wanted. My response was that as long as she was living with me and I was paying her bills, she couldn't do that. Her response was that she was moving out. Told her she didn't have to move, but no huka chunka-ing in my house....they could get a motel etc. She moved.

To this day we are estranged. I will tell you I was furious and very hurt by what she pulled on me.

REPLY
1 reply
kartwk | @kartwk | Oct 21, 2023
In reply to @kartwk "I totally understand. My daughter, 48, blames me for everything. Her father and I divorced when..." + (show)
@kartwk

I totally understand. My daughter, 48, blames me for everything. Her father and I divorced when she was in 1st grade. According to her I was never there like before. Yes, I was working a full time job that required overtime at times in the year. It was my fault that her father didn't show up t pick her up for visitation. And on and on. I am terrible because her father would tell her he didn't pick her up because of me....what he left out is that I had to fight with him for child support, medical, etc. She needed orthodontic braces and the court ordered him to pay for them. He wouldn't and didn't leaving bill collectors to come after me. I had to take him to court for that and the Judge said that since I had paid the portion owned IT WAS PAID and he owned me nothing!! I got him to pay for the braces but only after I had my Mother call his sister about what was going on. Then he agreed but only if a certain dentist in his area (55 miles away) did the work. Fortunately my parents were retired and could drive her up there, which he never expected.

The coup foray came when he told her that I supposedly had a lot of money for her college (I did not). He told her that what child support he did pay me was to be put away for her college (???) She took me to court over this. She could prove nothing. There was an account I had that I had put birthday money, gift money etc. in for her over the years and it came to around $2,500. This I transferred to her when she turned 18. That turned out to be a stupid thing for me to do because she claimed she never got it and it was supposed to be a lot more than that.

In flaming her lawsuit against me for $$ she also claimed to be afraid of me. Always insisted that she was afraid to be around me, I had to leave before she would leave the courthouse (dramatics) Claimed I threw her out of house the summer between her junior and senior year at college. That was bunk.

What happened is that I, and my hubby) came home to find her and her boyfriend hunka chunkaing in her bedroom. I told her that I did not approve of that. She told me that she could do what she wanted where she wanted. My response was that as long as she was living with me and I was paying her bills, she couldn't do that. Her response was that she was moving out. Told her she didn't have to move, but no huka chunka-ing in my house....they could get a motel etc. She moved.

To this day we are estranged. I will tell you I was furious and very hurt by what she pulled on me.

Jump to this post

Oh, she never contacted me but my parents would try to patch things up. After the hell she put me through and the lies she said I had a very hard time forgiving her to myself.

About 2 years ago I contacted her and got a response saying that I was wrong because, as my daughter, she deserved unconditional love regardless of what she did/does. She than went on to accuse me of things I did to her that NEVER happened. Told me that beause I was so evil she doesn't want her son, age 9, anywhere around me. yadda, yadda, yadda. After 2 years of sending her birthday cards, Christmas cards etc. and never hearing back or only getting very curt, short reponses I have decided THE HELL WITH IT. Life is too short.

One thing I did find out from My Mother before she died is that my daughter discovered that her Father paid for his girlfriend's daughter to go to college and would never help her out. Inspite of this she idolized him.

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